Letting it out felt good. Having Dad’s stoic mind puzzle it out was better. Like me, he tended toward facts and logic and didn’t often get emotional. His responses always felt safer to me than Mom’s, which is probably why Mark ended up gravitating toward her.
“I’d be pissed too,” he said.
I sighed.
“You know it was wrong, don’t you?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“So make it right.”
“How? I signed the stupid contract.”
Dad waved that off. “Not that. With Mark.”
“That’s how I make it right.”
Dad definitely glowered then. “Don’t be an idiot, JJ. Mark’s hurt that you didn’t tell him what you were doing. He tells you everything.”
“He doesn’t,” I replied softly.
And that’s when it hit me like a punch to the sternum.
Mark hadn’t told me about the escalating tensions between Mom and Dad. Or about the impending divorce. I’d been totally blindsided by my parents and siblings. This bakery job? Maybe this had been some convoluted attempt to swing back at him.
The thought robbed my breath.
“Damn,” I muttered. Was I that vindictive? I didn’t like that at all.
“What hasn’t he told you?” Dad asked.
For five seconds, I sized Dad up.
“The divorce.”
A silent question came in the form of grooves between his eyebrows. I looked away, guilty over my anger. My teeth ground into each other until my jaw started to cramp. I forced myself to take a deep breath.
“Why didn’t you tell me how much you were struggling?” I asked. “Why did everyone leave me out? Megan and Mark knew everything. I had no idea.”
His expression darkened like a thunderstorm. “It wasn’t on purpose, JJ. I was just keeping my head above water. Plus, I didn’t tell them. Your mom did.”
“It made me feel like I didn’t matter as much. Like you’d forgotten me.”
“I’d never forget you, JJ. Your mom turned to Mark quite a bit at the time. She must have sworn him to silence, or something.”
“And you turned to no one?”
“That seemed better than relying too much on the three of you,” he countered. “JJ, there’s no easy answer to your question. It was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t. To lean on my son as a support? That wouldn’t have been fair. You had to live through this too. The pressure of helping me would have made it worse.”
Certainly an angle I hadn’t thought of. I wondered if Mark resented Mom’s reliance on him. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to know about their issues.
“I’m sorry, JJ,” Dad said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more open with you. I’ve been an ass through the divorce, and even after. Maybe before, too, I don’t know. My world’s all flipped around.”
I blinked, stunned. Well . . . that was something. Dad was rarely wrong in his own eyes. Not sure what to say, I let that sit there. Dad released a long sigh, then shook his head.
“Have you ever failed at something?” he asked.
“Of course.”
“Failed at something that impacted you and everyone you care about?”
“Probably.”
“Then maybe you know what it feels like to have your world crumble around you. To see everything you worked for your entire life just . . . fall apart the moment you thought you’d have it.” He shook his head. “I thought if I just kept working, if I focused on what I could do versus what felt . . . impossible . . . then I’d retire, have time to do everything I wanted, and everything would be okay.”
A thousand scenarios ran through my mind. Things he could be talking about. But they all vanished. Because here sat a man I’d never met: a humbled version of my father. I wiggled in my seat to find a more comfortable position. Dad’s acknowledgment sobered the atmosphere. I couldn’t help but admire him for it.
“What did you think felt impossible?” I asked quietly.
“Making her happy.”
The haunted words cooled the fire in my body, turning my veins to ice. I stared at him, startled to see tears in his eyes. He blinked them back, his voice thick. “I have always loved your mother, JJ, and damn if I didn’t know how to show it. I thought I tried, but . . . maybe I was just deluding myself.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“I know.” He met my gaze again. “Because I didn’t tell you. It’s not . . . it’s not how I was raised. My father never spoke an emotional word in his life. Even on his deathbed, he never told me he loved me. It was always implied, just . . . never spoken.”
I wanted to get outside. Dig my nails into the rocks. Feel dust crumble beneath my feet as I pushed higher, faster, and harder. Conquer the mountain before it can conquer you. It had always been our motto. But this metaphorical slope felt slippery, like I’d never get a foothold.
“I should have just told Kelly that I loved her. Let her know how I felt. Now I’m living in my own regrets, and it’s my due.” Dad leaned forward. “Whatever you do, don’t make the same mistakes as me. Clear this up with Mark, all right?”
The waitress sashayed over, burdened with plates on a too-small tray. We dug into our food for a few minutes, grateful for the reprieve.
“How is retirement?” I asked.
“Quiet.”
“Bet you love that.”
He half-grinned. “I do. The fish don’t.”
I laughed. With the air cleared between us, we kept up a steady flow of conversation. Updates on Adventura. Dad’s plans for retirement. Mark’s new spa idea. Dad had kept up with Megan and knew about her relationship with Justin.
“He seems great. Glad she has him,” Dad said as he reached for his coffee. “What about you? You ever going to settle into something?”
A few days ago, the answer would have been a firm no, same as always. But Lizbeth had rearranged the puzzle pieces of my future. Although I still hadn’t seen her since the awkward ride home yesterday, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that her hair
