“Love of romance is the only trait I really share with Mama,” I continued shakily. “What if I bring that here? What if I destroy you? I can’t do that. I can’t let myself be like her. Not even a little. I went to college because she didn’t. I’m organized because she wasn’t. I have plans because she didn’t. I . . . I won’t do what she did to the world.”
Several long moments passed. Another tear fell down my cheek.
“I’m sorry, JJ. I can’t do this anymore. This is beautiful and amazing and fun, but I have to stop it now.”
“If it’s beautiful and amazing and fun, then why do you have to stop it?”
“Because one day it won’t be. One day it will be hard and difficult and maybe even scary. When that comes, I might break your heart. I might turn into Mama and leave devastation in my wake. Romance and love haven’t been what I expected. For all the goodness and light I feel with you, there’s the potential for as much darkness and fear. If things are good between us now, who’s to say they won’t be terrible later? I’ve been so wrong already . . .”
He frowned and opened his mouth, then closed it again. Tears blurred his form the longer I stared at him.
“Your parents,” I whispered gently. “Aren’t they a prime example?”
He sucked in a sharp breath. “That’s not fair.”
“Why? Because it’s true? For the first time in my life, JJ, I’ve finally comprehended that there’s a dark side to romance. That it’s as much a force for bad as it is for good. I’ve spent years thinking love would save me. That it was only light and goodness and would sweep me off my feet into a better world, but that’s not true. There’s angst and pain and darkness too. I’ve just ignored it until now, and that’s exactly what Mama did. So she chased it right to her grave. It’s her darkest legacy, and she gave it to me.”
He swallowed and stepped back. “Sounds like you’ve made up your mind.”
“I care too much about you to do that.”
“Don’t do that.” He shook his head. “Don’t blame this on romance. You called me out on that once, and I’m doing it now to you. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about romance. This is about you and whatever you’re afraid of.”
A thousand replies surfaced, then dissipated. I couldn’t keep up with all the little pieces of my broken heart. JJ ran a hand through his hair. The anguish in his eyes only fortified my resolve.
If it was this hard to bear now, wouldn’t it be worse later?
“Lizbeth, I—”
“Please,” I whispered. “Please don’t. JJ, this is the only gift I can give you right now. Please take it. Let go of me so I don’t break us later when there’s so much more to lose.”
He stared at me, then nodded once. “Fine.”
My breath trembled when I sucked it in. “Thank you. I’m . . . I’m so sorry.”
Then he was gone.
The crunch of his boots in the snow faded. I stood in the middle of my cabin until my knees gave out. It felt like someone had picked up my snow-globe world and shaken it. Disoriented, I struggled to stand in the same world, the same place, but a rapidly changing environment. The pieces would eventually settle, but not into the same spots. No, it was different now.
All the thoughts that had filled my head before vanished all at once. The vacuum they left behind allowed the pain in.
The crushing sensation of love was every bit as excruciating as I’d feared.
Somehow, I shoved JJ into a small box in the back of my mind, packed all my belongings, and forced myself back to Mark’s desk in the office.
Once there, I kept my head down. The soft strains of Bocelli sang to me in the background and made my eyes hot. There was maybe an hour left of work that had to be done in the office, then everything Mark needed me to do from Adventura would be complete. The rest I’d do remotely.
Because I couldn’t stand one more second of JJ’s delicious smell. Not after I’d broken his heart.
JJ had disappeared, but I kept my head tucked to my chest and the chair on the shortest possible setting so the computer hid my face. I’d even thrown on a pair of old, fake glasses just to obscure my puffy eyes a little more.
Twenty minutes later, I sent Mav a text.
Lizbeth: Can you come get me? I’m all done at Adventura and can move back home. The rest of the work can be done remotely.
Maverick: Everything okay?
Lizbeth: Yep!
My entire body choked on the lie, but I sent it anyway. Things were okay between me and Mark. The erupting volcano was within me.
Maverick: I’m on my way home from Jackson City in a little bit. I can be there in less than an hour.
My heart clenched as I responded with trembling hands.
Lizbeth: Perfect. See you then.
One more hour, I thought as I shoved my phone into my pocket. One more hour.
I perused a few binders I’d made for Mark. Double-checked everything in the desk. Reviewed my spreadsheet full of strikethrough font and color-coded descriptions of where each project stood. Almost all of them were done, so I updated the online interface with his business information to make sure I had it all so I could work remotely without having to call and hear their voices.
Puttering, that was it. I puttered around, trying to find something to keep me here. I would close out my life here today and be justified. Yet, my fingers wouldn’t stop checking everything again. Maybe I’d find something to tether me to this place that felt so much like home.
Twenty minutes until JJ
