I’d been alone and drifting, not knowing where my life was going to take me. She had given me purpose. I owed her for that, and I needed to be more grateful.
You also erased everything you were.
“I’m sorry. I really am. And you’re right; I’m a professional, damn it. I just… Sampson was going to kill her, and I knew I could stop it, so I did. Because sometimes, we have to make a human choice.”
She nodded. “Your humanity and your love of people is one of the reasons I recruited you. We don’t want those qualities eliminated. I just want you to be aware that the mission comes first. You have to know that. You have to drill it into your bones.”
“I hear you. I’m sorry.” It was a real effort not to sound like I was choking on the apology.
Because I wasn’t that sorry about what happened with Sampson and the not-so-accidental stabbing. It was more that I was sorry that Roz was disappointed in me.
“Okay, that’s it.” She stood, and I went to give her a hug. Sometimes, when I was feeling all alone, it was easy to pretend that Roz was my mother, though I knew she wasn’t.
My mother had been very, very different from Roz. All warmth and softness, but sadly, a little afraid of her own child. She’d had her hands full with a daughter like me. I was always running off to save someone or to give someone a piece of my mind. By the time I was ten, I’d had several adults threaten to spank me if she wouldn’t do it. Especially when she took me back to Ghana where she’d grown up.
Since I was a child, my mouth had always gotten the better of me.
My abhorrence of injustice started early. When something wasn’t right, I had to fix it, even if fixing it meant I was likely going to get in trouble. What I wouldn’t have given to hear my mother yell out one more time, Lyra, for the love of Christ, be careful. Watch your mouth.
But she’d been gone a long time now. I cleared my throat to dislodge the unexpected emotion. “I’m sorry, Roz. Next time, I will be full-on Elsa. Completely chilled out.”
Roz shook her head at me, and then we hugged. I teetered on my heels, nearly knocking us both over. I managed to find my center of balance, but not before toppling several files on Roz’s desk. One folder, much thicker than the others, flew open, and papers went everywhere.
Roz’s voice was a swarm of harsh pinpricks as I bent to retrieve them. “Fuck, Lyra, leave it. Those are classified.”
I bent down immediately. “I’m not even looking at them. I’m just helping you pick them up. I’m sorry.”
She shooed me aside and shook her head at me. “No, I will get them. I said they’re classified.”
“Sorry.” I backed off and put my hands up. “I was only trying to help.
She sighed. “Lyra, what’s wrong with you? You seem off.”
“No, I’m fine.”
She lifted her brow and frowned at me.
I threw up my hands and then slid off the heels I was wearing. “These. These are the problem. I have a stupid date tonight.”
She grinned at me. “Ah, yes. The nice boy from next door.”
I laughed. “Roz, he’s not a nice boy. He’s a man. A full-fledged man.” With the big hands of a man. Not that I’d been watching him too closely.
She nodded. “Yes, of course. Sorry.”
I laughed. “Oh, you know what I mean. He’s a man, and this is our third date, and I don’t know what I’m going to do with him.”
She laughed. “Well, it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date, but I seem to recall that what you do with them is fuck their brains out.”
My jaw fell open. “Roz.”
“What? I was young once.”
Screw young. Rumor was, in the past, she liked to try out the young Valentine operatives. A test drive so to speak.
I kept my amused snort to myself. “I have no objections to him, really. He’s perfectly nice, I guess.”
Marcus looked the part. Sex appeal and brains in spades. He was a game designer, and I liked him. He was kind, attentive, and conscientious. But there was something off.
Sometimes when we were together, it was like I ran into static interference. I could tell there was so much more to him, but if I went a layer too deep, it was like I had the wrong signal or something. And it certainly didn’t help that our first two dates had been interrupted and we hadn’t even kissed.
Roz smiled and nodded. “Yes, nice is good. You do need a life outside of The Firm, so this is perfect. And you know that senior management prefers our agents in relationships.”
Ahh, yes. The partnership clause. I personally found it bizarre. One would think black-ops agents should be unattached. But no, senior management found that agents in a steady, committed relationship performed better and were less volatile, so they encouraged partners. Granted, they did not encourage telling your partner what you actually did for a living. If you did… Well, that had grave consequences.
“I mean, do you think it’s wise, all things considered?”
She picked up her papers and stacked them back on her desk. “In your case, yes. You had a different induction into The Firm. Before you joined us, your home life was a much more normal situation than some of our other agents. So get a life. Go on a date. Make some friends. Los Angeles is full of people looking to connect. Some of your teammates didn’t have normal recruitments, whatever normal means. They had more colorful inductions into The Firm, but I even encourage socializing for them. So, you should date. And a relationship is a good way to release some
