Lady Prague was in the middle of explaining to the general that dear Louisa had always been such a high-spirited girl and could, therefore, hardly be blamed for her actions. ‘Not that I approve of her, of course. I don’t, but somehow one forgives things to her that one couldn’t put up with in others’ – when the door opened and Ralph Callendar swayed into the room. He kissed Sally’s hand, blew kisses to Jane and Albert, bowed to the rest of the company, and explained:
‘Loudie is making up her face in the hall. She thinks that she’s looking tired, but that if she is sufficiently maquillée everyone will think: “How painted she is!” instead of: “How aged she is!” which is naturally preferable. The angel! Here she comes!’
The door opened again to admit an immensely fat Pekinese, with bulging eyes and a rolling gait, followed by his mistress and human counterpart, Mrs Fairfax. Short and plump, waddling rather than walking, her little round face inches deep in paint, her little fat hands covered with rings, her stout little body enveloped in a sable coat, she resembled nothing so much as a rather prepossessing giant Pekinese. The moment she was inside the room she let loose a perfect flow of inconsequent chatter:
‘Sally, darling, what must you think of us, forcing ourselves on you like this? We heard you were here quite by chance and couldn’t resist coming. Florence, what a surprise! And Mowbray, too, and the admiral, and dear, nice Mr Buggins! Albert, such an age since I’ve seen you. Jane – looking so beautiful. What’s happened to you, my dear? In love, I suppose, as usual? Well, I must say this is a delightful party. And the poor Craigdallochs are away, I hear.’
She sat down next to Walter and continued:
‘Of course, I suppose you all think Ralph and I are eloping? Well, no. Though to be frank, this is the first time I’ve made a journey of the sort without eloping. I ran away with all my dear husbands, you know, even with poor Cosmo, though I can’t remember why that was necessary. Oh, yes, of course I know, I was under age and my father said we must wait for three months. Three months! As though anyone could. So we just ran away to Paris: only for a night and it was all most innocent (dear Cosmo – so pompous!); but we were seen by several people – we took care to be, of course – and after that it was plain sailing and we were married in the rue d’Aguesso, I remember. Really, it made a vivid impression on me at the time. The Ambassador was there and poor father gave me away, and poor Cosmo took me away, dear thing, to Rome or somewhere, and it was all very different from what I had expected. And now I’ve shocked Florence. But what was I talking about? Oh, yes, of course. Well, Ralph and I are not eloping: merely escaping.’
‘Escaping?’
‘From Linda May. From the West Coast of Scotland really. You tell them about it, darling, while I get on with my fish.’
‘You see,’ said Ralph, shutting his pained eyes and speaking in a voice which gave the impression that he had lived a thousand tiring lives, ‘Linda, the poppet, seems to have gone mad. It is a great tragedy. She invited us to go for a cruise in her yacht. She said we would go to the Islands. Naturally thinking that she meant the Greek islands, we accepted, intending to leave her quite soon for the Lido. Two days before we were to start I discovered, to my horror and amazement, that we were being taken to visit some islands on the West Coast of Scotland. Well, you know, Albert, Scotland is all right for you, but it’s not my period. So I telephoned to Loudie and told her this agonizing news. I begged her to come straight to the Lido instead. But no, obstinate as a mule. She insisted on going with Linda. Imagine my mental sufferings faced with the prospect either of not seeing Loudie for weeks, or of facing these ghastly hardships in her company. I begged, I implored her to change her mind; and when, at last, I realized that she was absolutely bent upon going, I made the great sacrifice and accompanied her. But I did beg, didn’t I, Loudie?’
‘Yes, darling, you did, indeed,’ she replied, with her mouth full.
‘To continue: It was even more horrible than I had anticipated. The scenery – my dear Albert – forgive me if I say that the scenery made one feel physically sick whenever the eye strayed out of the porthole. I kept my curtain drawn all day and even then I couldn’t help seeing those mountains sometimes – they haunted me. To make matters worse, Linda, it appears, is madly in love with a monster of a Scotsman, who came to dinner last night in his kilt. Those hairy old knees decided us. “The mountains I can bear,” said Loudie. “Natives in the semi-nude at dinnertime is another matter. I leave tomorrow.” Luckily the angel had her Austro-Daimler sitting at Oban, so here we are! But I tell you –’
At this moment there was a piercing shriek from Lady Prague. The Pekinese was seen to have his teeth firmly embedded in her right ankle.
‘Doglet!’ said Mrs Fairfax in a gently reproving voice. ‘what do I see you doing, my own? Somebody give him a piece of grouse and he’ll leave go at once.’
General Murgatroyd, however, seized the dog roughly by its tail, whereupon it turned round and bit him in the hand. The general shook it off and, crimson with rage, demanded that it should instantly be destroyed.
‘My little Doglet destroyed?
