The Missing Husband: a tense psychological suspense full of twists

next day. She’d loved her job and had known she was pretty damn good at it. So, she had assumed that she’d be pretty damn good at parenting too and it came as quite a shock to her when she wasn’t. Having children was always on the cards for them and as soon as they hit their thirties it was operation conceive. They’d had plenty of fun in their twenties but she’d started to feel the biological clock ticking and knew it was time to start the next chapter in their life. They were fortunate, within a few months of trying the two blue lines appeared before them as they sat together in the bathroom, holding hands and waiting in anticipation for the results. They’d both grinned at each other, giddy.

‘I think it’s a girl,’ Pete had said. ‘I’m getting girl vibes.’

Kate had giggled, caught up in this special, shared moment. ‘Me too, definitely girl vibes. I wonder what cravings I’ll have. Marmite on marshmallows anyone? Oh, Pete, we did it! We’re having a baby!’

Kate had stroked her stomach as she envisaged the next nine months – a life-defining time as she wore floaty maternity dresses, bonded with the baby growing inside her and glowed with the joy of pregnancy. The reality was somewhat different.

Pregnancy was boring. She knew how lucky she was to be carrying a healthy child and she was grateful for it, but she couldn’t help but feel resentment when Pete continued to live his old life, going out for client weekends away and Christmas parties, coming home full of booze and stories, while she stayed at home feeling knackered, bloated, nauseous and left out. She knew she was being selfish, but she just couldn’t shake off the feeling that she was making all the sacrifices, not him. It’ll be different when the baby comes, she told herself. Then Pete will be able to bond with it and our parenthood journey will really begin, together.

After a twenty-seven-hour labour and emergency caesarean, Lily arrived in the world and shattered all of Kate’s preconceived ideas about being a mum. She loved Lily with every ounce of her being from the minute she was born but she didn’t understand her at all. Gazing into her daughter’s beautiful eyes she thought, How on earth am I going to look after you? I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. She couldn’t stop crying and although everyone reassured that this was normal, the baby blues that every new mum got, this loss of control over her emotions completely floored her.

She was sleep-deprived, anxious and desperate to please this tiny little person who seemed furious about her lot. The more she tried to get it right, the more she got it wrong. Pete seemed so confident, handling Lily with ease, cooing at her and suggesting pub lunches and meeting up with friends but she was terrified to go out in case she couldn’t stop her crying or she had a nappy explosion and there was nowhere to change her. Breastfeeding was a nightmare but she was so worried that people would judge her for bottle feeding – or that she wasn’t giving her baby the best start in life – she persevered through the pain and frustration, crying every time Lily latched on and sobbing that she couldn’t even feed her baby properly. Whenever Pete suggested a bottle, she shot him down immediately.

One day she was out walking in the park with two of the antenatal mums, Nadia and Abi, and they were discussing the joys of parenthood.

‘It’s SUCH hard work, but isn’t it just SO rewarding,’ Nadia enthused.

Abi nodded. ‘I know, I just can’t stop staring at his gorgeous little face. I could sit there for hours just staring at him. I don’t even mind the middle of the night wake-ups as it’s just another opportunity to hold him and give him a cuddle.’

They had looked at Kate expectantly, waiting for her to agree. But she was too tired to play along. ‘It’s fucking hard,’ she said. ‘Way fucking harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I really hate it.’

Nadia and Abi had stared at her, speechless, eyes wide in shock, and she had immediately regretted her honesty. Quickly she added: ‘But it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever done, of course.’ The two women smiled and nodded, and they carried on their way. Kate never spoke of her true feelings again.

But the reality was that she felt overwhelmed and incompetent at the biggest job of her life. Her parents, who had moved to Devon a few years previously to enjoy their retirement, visited a few times but seemed genuinely terrified at the prospect of looking after a baby again so they were of little help, except to look away nervously whenever she got a boob out or to enquire as to what their daughter – messy-haired, bleary-eyed and covered in baby vomit – would be preparing for their dinner that evening. She had never felt more alone and out of her depth but no one seemed to get it. Her only beacon of hope throughout those first few months was Erin. But as lovely and supportive as she was, she didn’t have children of her own and didn’t really understand what it was like. And she worked full-time anyway, so she was never around during the long, lonely weeks when everyone else was at work.

Pete tried, he really did, but he didn’t get it either. He seemed to think maternity leave was a holiday. As she insisted on exclusively breastfeeding, she was the one who had to keep getting up in the night. At first, he would get up too, keeping her company and trying to help soothe a fussy, writhing Lily back to sleep. But when he returned to work after two weeks’ paternity leave, he was shattered and the cracks were beginning to show, so she suggested that he move into the spare room, just for a few