And with that she stood up, gave him a kiss on the cheek and walked into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind her and leaving him alone on the sofa wondering what the hell had just happened.
15
Kate
Pete. Lily’s finally walking around normally again. Or should I say strutting! She asked me to send you a video, which I’ve attached. I sat the girls down for a chat at the weekend. I told them you’d gone away and that I didn’t know when you’d be coming home. They had a lot of questions which I tried to answer as best I could. I told them that you loved them very, very much but that you’d been feeling sad for a long time and you had gone somewhere that made you feel happy. They wanted to come of course but I told them that it was very far away and that we couldn’t go. I have no idea if it was the right thing to say but I didn’t have many options. I think they might think that you’ve gone to the place where the My Little Ponies live.
They were both upset and asked if it was their fault. I assured them that it was absolutely, in no way, their fault. I think they believed me but they don’t really understand it. It was absolutely horrible but I had to do something. You’ve been gone for three months, even children know that business trips don’t go on for that long.
It’s Christmas in a couple of weeks. We went to get the tree yesterday and decorated it. The girls are super excited about the school fair and guess what – I’m manning a stall! Yes, you heard me correctly, I’m like a proper ‘school mum’ now. Since I’ve been doing the school runs every day I’ve got chatting to a few new parents and they’re lovely. I’ve started organising playdates and going for coffee with them after drop-off on Fridays and when they asked me if I wanted to join the Christmas fair committee I thought, why not? I’ve even been doing some PR for them!
I’ve started seeing a therapist too. It still feels strange and uncomfortable talking to a total stranger but it’s helping. Like letting Rachel go, it’s one of the things I should have done years ago. Perhaps if I had done, you’d still be here with us now.
I’m still hurt and I think I always will be. But I admit that I’m as much to blame as you are and I’m sorry, I really am. I’ve been a terrible wife to you over the last few years. I refused to give you the love and attention you deserved and I drove you away. If it helps, I refused to give myself the love and attention I deserved too. We’re both paying the price.
I’m not going to ask you if you’re coming back anymore. In fact, this is the last email I’m going to send you. You know where we are. Our marriage is over, that much is clear to me now, but there is still a place for you in the children’s lives. Don’t leave it too long, Pete.
Kate applied another layer of mascara and stood back to look at her reflection in the mirror. She didn’t look too bad, actually. The daily school runs and running around after the girls had given her a bit of an outdoorsy glow, plus she was a few pounds lighter than she’d been in years. That’s what post-traumatic stress disorder in the wake of your life being turned upside down does to you, she thought wryly, it’s the ideal diet plan. She felt the familiar clutch of fear in her stomach before pushing it away and focusing on her reflection again.
Erin was on her way over to babysit and she was going out for the first time in months. A few of the mums from Maggie’s class had asked her along to their end-of-term dinner. It was the first time she’d been invited out with them and she was feeling nervous. She’d been doing the daily school runs ever since Rachel left and now she wondered why she’d avoided it for so long. When Lily started school she’d gone to the new reception parents drinks and stood around nervously making small talk with the other mums and dads but it hadn’t been a particularly sociable class. Nadia, whose daughter was in the other reception class, had of course instantly made friends with the other mums and formed a little gang. She’d always invited Kate along to things and she sometimes went but she never felt truly part of it. When Maggie had started the previous year, she hadn’t even bothered going to the welcome drinks.
She had been afraid of all the other school mums. They all seemed so together and she felt like an absolute joke in comparison. On the rare occasions that she’d talked to them in the past she always came away feeling that she had put her foot in it in some way, saying something stupid or stuck-up when she didn’t mean to. She would analyse the conversation for the rest of the day, berating herself for opening her mouth at all. In the end it was easier just to let Rachel do the majority of the school runs and after-school playdates and make a quick getaway on the days that she did do them. But with Rachel gone, she’d had no choice but to get over her fears.
On only her third morning on school run duty she’d caught the eye of a couple of mums who had children in Maggie’s class and they’d smiled warmly at her before making their way over.
‘Hi, Kate isn’t it?’ one of the women, who introduced herself as Lottie, asked. ‘My daughter Ava is in Maggie’s class and she never stops talking about her. We’d love to have you over for a playdate some time.’
‘That
