Were we happy back then? he wondered, thinking back to the day when they had moved into the house. Kate had been ridiculously stressed in the run-up to the move but he had a vivid memory of her beaming smile when they walked into their new home for the first time – a brief moment of calm together before the storm of removal men and children.
‘This is it, Pete, a proper family home!’ she had said, swinging her arms around in a circle. Caught up in her excitement he’d copied her and for a few minutes they had spun round and round, laughing. He remembered thinking, I’ve missed that smile and having a flash of hope that this move was just what they needed after all. A new start, he had thought, a new future. But in the end it hadn’t materialised, it had ended up being the same old.
Would this time be different? he wondered. Is this the new start I’ve been hoping for after all these years?
17
Kate
Kate tapped the table, playing imaginary scales with her fingers as she nervously read the press release for the thirteenth time before attaching it to the email and hitting send. Then she sat back and exhaled. It was the first piece of official work she’d done in years and she was terrified at sending it to her new client for approval only for them to tell her that it was a pile of crap. But she was also feeling proud of herself. She’d really enjoyed the work so far and after initially staring at the screen for fifteen minutes paralysed by the inability to write, she’d finally started typing. After that it had all come naturally and she could feel her old confidence creeping back in. It’s just like riding a bike after all, she thought.
Her New Year’s resolution had been to let go of the past and look to the future – to forget about surviving and start actually living. Christmas had been hard. She’d spent so many Christmases with Pete and his absence had been even more poignant. If I could just talk to him, she thought, then everything might be okay. But it was impossible and the reality of that was a constant pain that she didn’t think would ever go away. She wasn’t even angry with him anymore. The warning signs had been there but she had ignored them. If it was just her to think about, she probably would have gone to bed and hidden under the duvet for the entire Christmas period but her girls, her beautiful little girls, were so excited about the festivities and she had to make it special for them. So, she had done the exact opposite – she had gone into Christmas overload and made a huge effort. And through their excitement she had felt a trickle of it herself because their joy was infectious.
She wanted to spend Christmas Day just the three of them but she’d invited Karen over on Christmas Eve. They’d hugged each other warmly when she arrived and had spent a lovely afternoon opening presents and listening to Christmas songs. She still didn’t know whether inviting Karen into their lives was a sensible idea and she knew it was probably unhealthy to cling on to a part of Pete – but it was done now and she really liked the woman. She was honest, open and non-judgemental in a way that only someone who has made their own mistakes in life can be. Kate loved her parents but they were very reserved people and the warmth and love that radiated from Karen was like a tonic. It was a stark contrast to the woman that Pete had known as a child. Kate wished that he were here to see it.
After Karen had left, Erin had come over with a bottle of bubbles and they’d staged an impromptu Christmas party in the living room, dancing around like loons until Lily and Maggie were so exhausted that they’d had to carry them up to their beds. The two girls were asleep before their heads had even hit the pillows.
Back downstairs, the sisters clinked glasses.
‘How are you doing? I mean REALLY doing?’ Erin asked.
‘I don’t know, Erin. One minute I’m absolutely fine, good even, and then the next it hits me like a ton of bricks again. I guess it’ll be like that for some time. I’ve spent weeks, months, analysing our marriage and I accept that we fell out of love with each other ages ago. I’ve made peace with that. But the way it ended was just so cruel. It didn’t need to be that way, it could have been different and that’s what torments me.’
‘I get it,’ Erin nodded. ‘He could have handled it so much better. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for what he did. I still can’t believe it myself – all these months and he hasn’t got in touch. It beggars belief, it really does. I’ll never understand it.’
‘We both could have handled it better,’ Kate replied.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I was a terrible wife, Erin. No, don’t try to defend me, I was. Somewhere along the way I just lost myself. I had postnatal depression but I refused to admit it and the longer it went on, the less I wanted to deal with it. But I should have got help rather than glide along through life under a cloud of grey. It’s only now I realise that and I’m furious with myself for throwing away so many years of my life – and Pete’s. He did try to help me but I wouldn’t let him.’
Erin said, ‘Look, I’ve always been fond of Pete but I don’t think he was there for you when you needed him, I really don’t. He just wanted you to be fine, like everyone else, he didn’t want to accept that you weren’t. He should have tried harder to help you. We all should have
