‘I don’t know,’ he answered honestly. ‘My plan is to go away and work it out.’
‘With her?’
‘With her.’
‘And who exactly is “her”?’
‘Does it matter?’
‘It does to me.’
He sighed deeply. ‘It’s no one you know. Just someone I met.’
‘Do you love her?’
‘Yes.’
She nodded, as if resigned. ‘Do you know, Pete, if you’d handled this like a gentleman, if you’d come to me and told me how you were feeling, I would have understood. We could have confronted it and dealt with it. We’ve been in each other’s lives for so long that we owe each other that. But instead, you decided to deceive me for months on end, humiliate me and then scuttle off with your lover without so much as a goodbye to your children. That’s unforgivable.’
Now it was his turn to laugh. ‘You would have understood? Are you kidding me? You’d have made my life hell, punishing me for the humiliation that I’ve caused, blaming me for your own embarrassment. All you care about is what other people think. You want everyone to think we’re the perfect couple, living in the perfect house, with the perfect children. You really don’t care what’s actually happening behind closed doors.’ He risked a glance at his watch. Could he still make the train? Suddenly, he wanted to leave even more than ever. They weren’t going to resolve this right now, sitting on the floor of their hallway, hating each other.
As if on cue, the wind deflated from her sails and she clutched her knees and started sobbing. ‘What happened to us, Pete? When did it all go so wrong?’
He knew this was his fault, that he’d been a shitty husband to her but he was in self-preservation mode now and instinctively wanted to put the blame on her.
‘It went wrong when you started resenting me even though I’d done nothing to warrant it,’ he said. ‘I’ve always tried to be a good husband, and a good father, but it was like I could do nothing right. For the last few years it’s like you’re just tolerating me being in your life for the sake of the children. You don’t really want me around.’
‘So rather than ask me what’s wrong you just find someone else, is that it?’
‘I tried to ask you,’ he insisted. ‘I tried so many times, but you just shut me out. It’s like you gave up on our marriage long ago but couldn’t even be bothered to discuss it. And to be honest, Kate, you kind of gave up on yourself too. I don’t know what happened to you but you’re not the woman I fell in love with, not anymore.’
‘How do you think I’ve been feeling, Pete? Why do you think I’ve been like this?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Did it ever occur to you that I was struggling too? That I’ve been struggling for years watching you live your life like everything’s okay while mine is crashing down around me?’
‘I gave you everything you wanted, Kate, but it was never enough.’
‘It’s not about the fucking money, Pete! It’s not about the fancy house or the holidays. It’s about having a husband who’s there for me.’
‘I was there for you!’
‘How? By sleeping with another woman?’
He sighed. They were going around in circles. This was why his idea to leave without a confrontation had been a good one. They could have saved this conversation for when they’d both calmed down and it would have been a lot more rational.
‘Look, Kate, we’re both angry, we’re both hurt and upset. Maybe I should just go now, and we can talk again in a couple of weeks when we’ve both had time to calm down.’
‘Okay,’ she agreed, which surprised him. ‘Only, if you really need time to calm down and think about it, you can’t go away with her. Surely you know that?’
‘So what do you want me to do?’
‘Go anywhere, take the time you need, I’ll take some time too. I’ll tell the girls you’ve gone away on business. Come back in a couple of weeks and we’ll talk again.’
He knew it was a perfectly reasonable request, in fact it was bloody decent of her given everything. For a second he saw the Kate he used to know – the fair, rational person who looked for the positive in every situation. Should I do it? He thought. Should I give her this? Then he thought of Claire. She’d be absolutely livid. Would she ever forgive him? She’d been amazing up until now but this was pushing it. He was in limbo between two women and he had no idea which direction to go in. But maybe he owed it to Kate to do this for her. All of a sudden the idea of an option C seemed appealing. Perhaps Kate was right. Perhaps some time on his own, away from both women, was what he needed to finally make a decision.
He looked his wife straight in the eye and nodded. ‘All right,’ he said.
24
Claire
The train emerged from the darkness and just like that, she was back. The English landscape whizzed past her, each field taking her closer and closer to Pete. There would be no ceremony, no welcome party when she arrived in London. No one even knew she was coming. Claire rested her head against the window and looked out at the countryside. It looked exactly the same as it had when she had last seen it – but for her, everything had changed.
It had been five months since she was last on the Eurostar, heading in the other direction towards her new life. Her mind drifted back to that day. She had been in bits when she realised Pete wasn’t coming and, after her initial burst of defiance had quickly worn off, had spent the first half of the journey crying quietly and avoiding eye contact with other passengers. Everything she had imagined, anticipated and hoped for
