“That’s—good, I guess. But unless you signed some contract that you’d never have a relationship because you’re a dad, that’s old news. When you meet someone you want to be with for real, that kind of shit goes out the window. Because it was to protect you and Sadie from fly-by-night flings that breeze in and out of your life. It wasn’t to protect you from a good woman who already has a strong relationship with your kid. Now it’s just an excuse not to be happy.”
“I’m happy. I have my business, Sadie’s doing great—”
“Partly because of Rachel,” Noah pointed out.
“My furniture side biz is taking off, and there’s no drama. No bullshit of having to worry about somebody lying or cheating or leaving Sadie.”
“Or leaving you. Like her mom left you with the baby and never looked back. Don’t waste your time taking a swing at me. You know I’m not wrong. Sadie’s not the only one you’re protecting. You’re scared that it won’t work out and you’ll be more miserable than you are now. Or that it will work out and you’ll have to let go of a little bit of control. For a guy who lives out in the woods, you’re pretty rigid. I’m saying this because you deserve the truth even when it sucks. We’ve all got issues and shit to work through.”
“I was not in love with her mother.”
“I never said you were. But you got left holding the bag. You love Sadie, and she’s fantastic, and I’d never want her to not be here. It’s just that your last carefree fling changed your whole life with the consequences. Maybe you’re not eager to see what else a woman could throw at you that you didn’t know how to handle.”
“I am not afraid of Rachel or consequences.”
“So I’m assuming you used a condom when you hooked up,” he said.
“Shit.”
“And we have learned nothing from past experience,” he chuckled.
“She’s probably on the pill.”
“Yeah, it’s probably fine. But you’re not acting like a man who doesn’t want a relationship. You didn’t use a condom. That tells me you want to be with her but maybe you’re not sure you should. So you roll the dice and leave it up to fate and maybe part of you hopes she got pregnant because that traps her.”
“First of all, bullshit. Second of all, pregnancy doesn’t trap anyone, as you will see demonstrated by the fact that I’m a single father one hundred percent of the time. I would never do anything to snare Rachel against her will. That’s disgusting that you suggested it. I think I’m going to burn your steak just for that,” I said, flipping the meat and taking a long drink of my beer.
Son of a bitch had a point, not about the condom, about the fact that I didn’t like the idea of Rachel deciding I wasn’t worth sticking around for. Trapping her was the opposite of what I wanted. I didn’t want to end up in a relationship with a woman who didn’t want to stay with me but wouldn’t leave because of Sadie. I didn’t want to ruin both our lives and then keep her here because she loved my daughter too much to hurt her.
“Rachel’s terrific. Sadie’s happier than I’ve ever seen her, and you should really be more thrilled about this. I’ve known Rach a long time and she’s not afraid of hard work. She’s not the kind to bail on you when the going gets tough. You like her. She likes you. It’s all good, man. Don’t make this harder than it is.”
He was oversimplifying the situation and I knew it. But instead of telling him so, I felt excitement. Happiness at the idea that this might be possible, that instead of screwing up by going to bed with her, that maybe things would work out. That I might take that risk, and that she might take the risk right along with me.
During dinner, while I tried to coax Sadie to eat the potatoes and asparagus and not just the garlic bread, I thought how I’d like to have Rachel here with us, eating outside on a beautiful night, joking around and making everything brighter and better. Sadie even said it, she said, “You know who likes strawberries? Rachel. She showed me how to make a pie out of them. We used Jell-o. It got really bright and bubbled and then it makes it wiggly!”
“Sounds like Rachel’s a lot of fun,” Noah said.
“She is! We do picnics and we make art like she let me paint with this white gooey stuff but we put colors in it—it’s shiny!”
“Condensed milk,” I explained. “And food coloring. It dries to a shine and it smells like—condensed milk,” I said wryly. “They do crafts and stuff. Like kids do with their babysitters.”
“I used to stay with my grandma while my parents worked. We watched Young and the Restless together, and I learned how to mix gin and 7-Up for her.”
“Okay, moving right along,” I laughed. “Maybe some sitters are better than others.”
“I loved my grandma. And she liked her soaps and her mixed drinks. People have different standards. Point is, your girl Rachel’s doing a terrific job.”
“She is,” I admitted.
“She had supper with us, but it’s been a lot of days ago. I was gonna ask her last night, but Daddy was giving me a mad look right then.”
“Really? Daddy needs to lighten up and have fun,” Noah teased.
“This is fun,” I replied.
“It’s fun, but it’d be more fun with Rachel,” Sadie said.
She wasn’t complaining and didn’t sound gloomy, but she also wasn’t wrong. She was telling me clearly that she wanted Rachel to be here with us for nights like this. I couldn’t exactly say I was making all my choices with
