I watch Caitlin make her way around the room and for a woman who has such strong opinions about clichés at her wedding, she seems to be basking in the attention of others, who are swooning over her dress. I think about Ava, who will be reeling from the shock of Caitlin’s dress of choice and Hackett at her side.
Oscar finally feels able to leave my side and heads off in search of a couple of glasses of fizz for us, even though that’s the last thing I feel like. My stomach is gurgling from the lack of food, and the nerves that were on hold during the ceremony are building once again.
Returning triumphant, Oscar makes it back with two glasses of fizz and then his phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket.
‘Shit, I didn’t know that was on! Lucky it didn’t ring during the service.’ He pulls the phone to his ear, turns away from me and starts a jarred conversation with whoever is on the other end.
‘What? Hang on, Jon, I can’t hear you properly.’ He turns back. ‘Babe, I’m going to pop outside. It’s Jon – he’s started the Morris job today, and there’s a balls-up already.’
I wave him away. ‘It’s fine. I’ll be here.’
He plants a quick kiss on my cheek and walks away.
I watch the room for a while. A few people glide past me, and some stop and discuss how pleasant the ceremony was, they compliment me on my dress and tell me how much they are looking forward to the wedding breakfast. Once I have done this conversation to death, I sink into a chair and reach into my clutch bag for my phone. Still no missed calls or messages; I’m no longer sure if that’s a good thing. The Hackett incident is playing on my mind. I try not to let myself feel sorry for Caitlin, but I naturally do. She longed for a father figure for so long, and she found it in Hackett.
I feel the presence of someone behind me, and I look up and see Ava standing next to the table. She has come in a simple dusty-grey dress with an embroidered bodice, pinched at the waist with a flowing skirt. A rather understated dress, there is no mother-of-the-bride look about her; she could just be another guest.
‘May I sit?’ she asks and I nod.
‘Caitlin seems happy.’ Ava looks around the room. I notice a slight shimmer on her cheekbone as she moves her head and the light catches it.
‘Have you ever really cared for Caitlin’s happiness?’ I ask Ava sincerely.
Ava clears her throat and looks at me. ‘Whatever you may think you know about me, Sasha, I can honestly say that you are wrong. Things are always more complicated than they really seem. What you think you saw amongst those photos—’
‘Wrong? How can I be wrong?’ I cut Ava off. ‘I know what I saw at Saxby all those years ago. I know how you treat people – look at how you have treated your own brother for so long! You’re a disgrace,’ I hiss. ‘You never wanted Caitlin and I to be friends, and you marred our relationship as a result. Caitlin was never able to truly commit herself to me as a friend, and she struggles deeply with intimacy. And it’s all because of you. You’re no mother. Should you even be here today?’ I say, and as I look towards the double doors, my stomach begins a series of somersaults. They are early. I wasn’t expecting them until after the meal.
Ava follows my gaze. There are two women standing in the doorway, and one of them Ava recognises immediately, I can see it in her eyes, but she doesn’t flinch or show any emotion. She remains still and stunned.
I compose myself, and turn to Ava. ‘Are you okay, Ava? I hope you don’t mind, I invited one more guest to the wedding.’
28 Saxby House, Dorset, August 1990
Chuck came and found me later that afternoon, when I was sitting out the front of our cottage. I didn’t want to be anywhere near the main house, but I knew if I waited here long enough, someone would surely come and find me. I was glad it was Chuck. I felt sick at what I had done last night, and I needed to talk to someone about it. I knew Chuck was the only one who could understand.
‘Hey, Sasha,’ he said, and came and sat down next to me in the spare stripy deck chair. ‘How are you?’ he rubbed at his face and turned to look at me. ‘Do you want to talk about last night?’
I shuddered and felt my shoulders freeze. I wasn’t sure I wanted to discuss it. It only brought home the differences between Chuck and I, how he was from a different world to mine.
‘You didn’t want Ava to see me with you, did you, Chuck? That’s why you pulled me into the outbuilding?’
Chuck looked down at his feet. ‘I guess, I don’t know. It’s just that my parents and Caitlin’s parents have always seen me as the guy who will one day marry Caitlin. I just didn’t want Ava seeing us walking alone in the dark.’
‘But you wanted to walk alone in the dark with me?’
‘I know, and I did. I like you, Sasha. Very much.’
I felt my cheeks redden.
‘And I’m sorry I ran off and left you in the outhouse,’ he continued. ‘I just thought it would be a good idea once Ava had passed us that we left
