‘Go and grab some fresh air – I just need to do one more thing,’ I say to Oscar. He nods dutifully and I am overwhelmed with love for him, his trust and his understanding.
I arrive in front of Caitlin, and she leans against the wall in a very relaxed pose, and I am stilted for a second. But I quickly pull myself together.
‘I’m sorry for ruining your wedding day,’ I begin. ‘But I needed to know once and for all. And I think today you proved me right.’
Caitlin lets out a small laugh.
I shake my head. ‘I was never going to be a good enough friend for you. I understand how things were difficult for you growing up, but when I moved to Saxby, I only ever wanted to be your friend. We had fun, but you were so mean to me. Too many times. And because I wanted to be friends with you so much, I let you. And that pattern just carried on as we grew older.’
‘Well, we’re like sisters. And sisters fight, don’t they?’ Caitlin said, and I thought I detected a waver in her voice, an uncertainty that it wasn’t all about to work out in her favour for once.
‘Sisters, friends, if there is no respect, it will never work.’
‘So why did you hang on to your little secret for so long, and why surprise me with her on my wedding day, the day you spent so long preparing for?’ Caitlin said coldly.
‘Your mum made me swear to keep Gabi a secret. She told me my parents would lose their jobs if I told anyone. Then, after we left Saxby, I just kind of got used to keeping it a secret. Then a few years ago, I found out where Gabi lived and I contacted her parents. Chuck and I visit her once a week at the day centre she goes to. She’s a lovely girl, she really is. But Chuck was always dubious – he knew it was wrong to not tell you, but I needed him for support. You should forgive him. You were always at the forefront of his mind. I wanted to know if you would welcome Gabi into your family, and I thought, what better way than on your wedding day? I also needed your mum to know that she can’t bully me any more, so by showing up here with Gabi, I hope I have proved that to her.’
‘Congratulations, Sasha. What an achievement. I could have shown you how to stand up to Ava years ago.’
I ignore Caitlin’s callous comment.
‘I hope that in time you may come to see that I was always a good friend to you, Caitlin, but I need to break away from this… whatever this toxic mess is. You have made me feel as though I wasn’t good enough for so long. It will take me some time to get there, but I hope one day, in the not too distant future, I will realise my true worth.’
I lean in and kiss Caitlin lightly on the cheek, the smell of Chanel No. 5 greets me.
‘Goodbye, Caitlin. Look after yourself and Chuck.’
I turn quickly and walk towards the foyer doors, out into the beautiful warm afternoon air.
32 Saxby House, Dorset, August 1990
The night of the party
I found my hand easily slipped into his once more as he led me out of the marquee and onto the driveway. We began walking back down the gravel drive, the small pebbles crunching under our feet. We walked in silence for a while, my heart thudding in my chest, wondering if I should speak.
I apologised for Bill, and Chuck made a joke about his lost dog.
‘The sky is so vast and clear out here in the countryside,’ Chuck said.
I looked up at the sky, and it did look spectacular. I began to think of something suitably poignant to reply with when I was suddenly yanked sideways. Chuck and I were alone in the doorway of an outbuilding, the moonlight blocked by the high brick wall. And so there I was, pressed against Chuck’s chest, the darkness engulfing us, and all I could hear was the thumping beat of his heart in my ear.
We heard the crunch of pebbles as Ava made her way past us, back to the main house.
‘I’m sorry, Sasha,’ Chuck whispered. ‘I wish things could be different, but I am afraid the planets are already aligned. I am meant for Caitlin.’
‘And you can’t possibly be seen alone with me,’ I said, sounding bitter.
‘It’s not that, it’s tricky with this family—’
‘You don’t have to explain, Chuck. I get it.’
‘Friends forever?’ Chuck gave me a lopsided smile.
I sighed. ‘Yes, of course. Friends forever.’
‘Listen, I’m going to head back, I’ll go first in case we get spotted at the gates arriving back together. Count to about a hundred, slowly, and then follow on. Okay?’
Chuck kissed me firmly on the forehead and headed out up the drive. I listened to the sound of his feet crunching on the gravel driveway until they became a faint noise.
I counted to one hundred and left the outhouse. But I turned right instead of left. I didn’t have a torch, so I relied on the moonlight and the stars as they lit the sky and the path ahead of me. When I reached the wall to the tennis court, I walked along the rough terrain until I hit the bush. I bent down and crawled through. I would have to go in blind, although there were slivers of light coming in through the trees above and the bushes, but I knew this was where Ava had just come from. I was the only one who had discovered her secret hiding place, and I needed to know why she went there again this evening. Once I was through the bush clearing, I got down on my hands and knees; I could feel a slight dampness to the ground
