Myanin’s skin felt raw, as if her skin had been peeled back and the nerves exposed. She wondered if Tenia could see her unease. The djinn felt as if she no longer knew who she was. “Well enough, I guess,” she finally answered because she didn’t know what else to say. After her encounter with the Great Luna, Myanin had slept peacefully. There had been no visit from Lyra, though now that she was awake, she did feel the hum of the elder’s power. It wasn’t as strong but still there, a constant reminder that it did not belong inside of her. It was not hers.
They ate in silence, for which Myanin was glad. Her mind was spinning, the words of the Great Luna swirling round and round as she grappled with what she’d learned from the goddess. Some of it she understood plainly. Some of it seemed like a foreign language. What was abundantly clear to Myanin was that she had to make a choice. Every time she thought of letting go of her feelings toward Thad, his mate, and the elders—feelings she’d held onto for so long—it seemed the earth was falling out from under her. But thinking about what she’d become, what she’d allowed those feelings to turn her into, was worse. Even though the emotions that had tied her to Thadrick were what had held her to this life, she didn’t want that existence anymore. She couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t loved him. Yet, she wanted to be as far away from those old feelings as possible, because somewhere along the way that love had morphed into something else, something twisted and ugly. She no longer wanted it to be inside her. It was like the magic she’d taken from Lyra. In the elder, it was controlled, used for its purpose, and good. But inside of Myanin, where it had been intended for darker things, it had become twisted, vile, and was rotting her from the inside out.
When the pair had each finished gobbling up a plateful of bacon, eggs, and hash browns, Tenia left a few pieces of gold and gems lying on the table, and they headed out of the tavern. Those inside had paid her little attention this second time around, which Myanin appreciated. As they left, no one bothered to stare at her for longer than a second or two before looking away.
“So, where are we headed?” Tenia asked as they stood in the parking lot. “Are we actually going to surveil the wolves or just pretend to for the Order’s benefit?”
“We will surveil. We just won’t report back the truth, but for now can we just walk for a little while?” It probably sounded crazy to Tenia, but Myanin wasn’t in the mood to be a pretend spy, and she had no desire to return to the Order. She didn’t even want to have a cotton candy break, not when it would bring her nothing but the taste of the ash she’d held in her hand in her dream. Her stomach was in her throat as her mind just continued to play the goddess’s words over and over. Lyra had remained silent, and for that she was grateful.
Tenia’s eyes softened as if she understood. “Sure. But how about we go somewhere with better scenery?”
Myanin glanced around at the unappealing landscape, which looked like the djinn felt. She didn’t want to say that out loud, so she simply nodded. She took Tenia’s offered arm and the fae flashed them away.
They appeared on a hillside overlooking a picturesque valley. The sun was just beginning to crest, and the morning rays filled the sky with streaks of orange and yellow. Everywhere the light touched, life seemed to flourish. Instead of walking, Myanin sat, facing the sunrise. Tenia didn’t ask any questions. She simply sat down next to the djinn, a quiet reminder that she was there.
The silence stretched on, but Myanin didn’t feel awkward. She was too busy wrestling with her inner demons to notice. Below her, half the valley lay in darkness, yet untouched by the morning sun. Myanin realized her heart must appear similar. Some of it was covered by darkness—hidden places the light had not yet touched … or perhaps could no longer reach. Myanin hated feeling like this: lost, alone, groping in the darkness. She could see the light in front of her, but she couldn’t make it there. She’d been fooling herself, but fools never learned quickly. That was what made them fools. Why did you do this to me, Myanin? Lyra’s voice was there once again, intruding on her quiet, though not peaceful, moment. Lyra’s tone, like last time, was not accusing, but pleading, almost as if she wanted Myanin to confess not for Lyra’s sake but for her own. You cannot step into the light until you reveal what you’ve kept in the dark. Why did you take my life? Why did you take my power?
Myanin pulled her knees up and laid her arms across them. She leaned her head forward until it rested against them. Her eyes welled up, and she cursed the tears she hated to shed. Never in all of her life had she experienced pain such as what filled her now. Every nerve felt exposed as if her skin had been flayed from her body and she was open to the elements. The physical pain was just a manifestation of the emotional pain consuming her. Myanin couldn’t stand it. She was done. Death had to be better than this. “Why?” The elder’s voice came again. She didn’t have to repeat the questions. Myanin knew them all by heart. She also knew the answers. There was no reason left to remain silent. She’d lost everything. What
