Episodes? Episodes? “George, I don’texperience episodes! This is my reality, not an episode!”
“Yes, I am quite sure it must seem like that,but I can assure you what you have witnessed today is not real and theseexperiences you have whilst they seem very real and life like, they are simplya creation of your subconscious mind. You created these characters, Thomas,because you have been mentally unwell. It is not your fault, and it is out-withyour control. It provided you with a coping mechanism, a way to deal withday-to-day life to get you through it.”
His use of the word ‘characters’ cuts likea knife through my heart. They may be ‘characters’ to George but to me they aremy flesh and blood, my siblings. Janey has been unusually quiet. I need to hearwhat she makes of all this. I plead to her; “Janey, we have been together sincewe were in university. If I had a mental illness, don’t you think I would beaware of it or at least surely you would have seen something?” She locks eyeswith me, and I can tell she is struggling to form the words.
She takes a moment to compose herself thenformulates her response. “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now,sweetheart. It is a lot for me to take in too, so it must be so incredibly hardfor you to hear all that. I cannot lie, there have been several occasions overthe years when I have been concerned about your mental health. You have oftengone into a fugue-like state where you are not fully present. You lose yourtrain of thought mid-sentence. I never wanted to probe too much – I know youhad a terrible childhood – so I just tried to be there for you, best I could.”
She can see the shocked look on my face,and she moves towards me, presumably to initiate a hug, but I instinctivelyback off, hurt with her admission.
“Let me get this straight, Janey … yoususpected I was mentally ill, and you decided to do nothing about it? In allthis time, you didn’t think there was one opportune moment you could havediscussed it with me?”
“Thomas, I am sorry. I am so genuinelysorry, but I thought it was for the best. You have moved on amazingly well withyour life and you have so many positive things going on with your family lifeand your business that I guess I thought it might do more harm than good.” Imull this over and remain unconvinced.
“Well perhaps you should have given me thechance to decide what I wanted to do about it. Instead, the decision was takenout of my hands and the ‘problem’, it appears, has just been ‘brushed under thecarpet.’ This is my life, Janey; you can’t do that! If you wanted to be therefor me, you should have been upfront from the start if you suspected somethingwasn’t right! And you mentioned earlier that you had supposedly heard metalking to someone when there was no-one there then stopping when you camenear? You should’ve been honest with me, Janey.”
George this time (providing Janey withwhat I am quite sure will be a momentary welcome reprieve); “Thomas, you mustbe aware that you take medication for this illness?”
“No!”
“According to your medical records datingback to when you were evaluated on leaving hospital, you were prescribedanti-psychotic medication and it was the recommendation of the Psychiatristthat you remain on this long-term.”
“George, I am not lying to you, I am notaware of any anti-psychotic medication.”
“Well, let me put this another way, arethere any medications you take on a regular basis?”
Now I can feel the worry start to creepin. “There is something but I’m sure it’s not what you are referring to.” Itake a deep breath and summon the courage. “My foster parents told me to takemedication for my anxiety. I started taking it when I left the hospital andhave been on it ever since. I was too frightened to come off it in case all thefeelings from the past came back.”
“That will be the anti-psychoticmedication, Thomas. It sounds as though they were only too well aware of whatyou’d been through and were trying to shield you from the truth. I imagine theydidn’t want you to suffer any more than you already had done.”
“OK George but if that is true then whyhave I seen Juliet and Caroline since I’ve been in Skye? I am still taking themedication, yet I can see them!”
“It is more than likely that you beingback here has brought all the childhood trauma you experienced to the surfaceand, even under the influence of the medication, it’s entirely possible thatyou could have another episode.”
This is all way too much! I need somespace! I head off blindly in the direction of the tip of Neist Point. Carolineand Juliet are still clearly visible and present, but my head is too swamped, Ican’t even entertain a conversation with either of them right now, so I marchright on past them. I can hear my name being called but I have no intention ofturning around or acknowledging it. I find a spot and sit down. Unwittingly, Ichoose a space right on the cliff edge. With feet dangling precariously, I peerdownwards and lose all sense of time and space as I sit mesmerised with thewaves crashing up against the side of the cliff. There is a deafening soundwhen contact is made, and it provides a welcome distraction from the churningthoughts of my mind. For a few precious moments I am not Thomas the husband;the father; the mentally ill person with a disturbing childhood. I am simply‘being’ and witnessing mother nature in all her glory.
Aswith all good things, however, they inevitably have to come to an end. I canhear the footsteps directly behind me and the familiar voice of George whichmanages somehow to penetrate the noise of the waves. “It’s time to go now,Thomas. Let me help you up.” Like a little puppet on strings, I let my puppetmaster hook his hands under my armpits and guide me upwards.
CHAPTER 22
U
tterly crestfallen and heartbroken
