He shook his head. “It was my job to protect her. To keep her safe.”
Avery scooted forward on the seat. She’d have reached for his hands, but they were still balled up at his sides. “No one can protect us from disease. It’s a sad part of being human.”
He shook his head, his eyes closing. “You don’t understand.”
“Tell me,” she answered quickly. She wanted to comfort him because…well, he deserved it.
He raised his hands to his face, scrubbing several times. “I had doctor after doctor examine her. I—” He stopped, his face dropping in his hands. “I had a surgeon try and remove the lump.”
Her breath caught. Surgery was a dangerous business.
“It was the infection that killed her.”
Her heart cracked in her chest. Rather than say a word, she pushed off the seat and settled herself directly in his lap. After spending two nights wrapped together, it didn’t even feel odd; in fact, it felt perfectly right. She wrapped her arms about his neck and held his face to her chest. Dropping her cheek onto the top of his head, she began to softly rock back and forth.
Slowly his arms came about her waist and then, without warning, he crushed her to his chest. “It was my fault.”
“No,” she said with a vehemence she didn’t even know she felt. But the rightness of the word settled over her. She leaned back, looking down at him, and then she cupped his cheeks in her hands. “You aren’t to blame.”
Noah lifted his head from its cradle on her bosom and stared up at her. Damn, he wanted to believe Avery’s words. Believe he’d been a good brother.
Just like his sister had done when he’d taken over the earldom, Avery was comforting him with soothing words. He wanted Avery to tell him that he’d done all he could to try and save his sister. That he wasn’t a selfish bastard who’d tortured her for his own selfish needs.
He wished for Avery to soothe away all the fears that had haunted him these last five years. “You don’t know that.”
“I do,” she replied, softly but firmly. The words, the tone, were like a balm. “Can I tell you something?”
“Yes,” he answered.
“Lily is lucky to have had you as a brother.”
Those words sliced through him. He hated himself for wanting them so much. For wanting her. This woman in his lap. He wasn’t a man who could be trusted to love a woman, hadn’t he proved that already? “Avery.”
She shook her head, her voice trembled as she spoke, laced with a bit of sadness. “I mean it. I know you’ve had to deal with the grief of losing her, but she died knowing someone loved her so much.”
He swallowed, his throat itchy. “I wish I could believe you.”
“Tell me why you can’t.”
He couldn’t. Couldn’t share with anyone.
She tilted his chin higher as she looked deep into his eyes. “Yesterday I told you that my fear was being like my father. You can tell me anything.”
He shook his head. “I’m not sure about this. What if you hate me after?”
She gave him a small smile. “We’re not getting married, remember? You’ll be rid of me soon enough.”
That made him smile. He knew the expression was brittle. But drawing in a deep breath, he shook his head. “The surgeon had had some success with removing the lumps in previous patients. Lily didn’t want to do it, but I was so afraid of losing her, I convinced her to try.”
The tips of her fingers dug into his cheeks. “I see.”
“That’s not all.” A lump formed in his throat and he swallowed it down. “When he performed the surgery, I was out in the hall. I could hear her screams—” His eyes burned. He hated these memories so much.
Her forehead dropped to his. “She was going to die either way. You know that, right? You had two choices: make a desperate attempt to save her or do nothing and watch her die knowing you didn’t help. I’ve come to understand that the people who survive, the ones who live, they suffer just as much because they live with the grief and regret.”
He squeezed his eyes shut. Her words touched something inside him. Not only did he want to believe them, but her understanding drew him closer to Avery, tendrils of affection reaching from his heart to hers. Was he crushing her with his arms? She didn’t protest as he continued to hold her close.
“I want to tell you something else,” she whispered against his skin. “I’d die happy tomorrow if someone had loved me the way you loved her.”
He gasped in a breath. His hands jolted as he reached for her face and pulled her back to look at her. He couldn’t be the man to love her. He knew that. He was too broken inside, and he couldn’t risk hurting again but he needed her to understand this. Noah wanted to give her this gift. “You deserve that sort of love. You know that, right?”
She shivered in his arms. “I…”
“You do, Avery.” He didn’t mean to, hadn’t planned it, but he pushed off the seat, until the tip of his nose touched hers. They held each other’s faces, and the pose was more intimate than when they’d shared the bed last night. Their bodies twined together, their eyes locked, their hands holding the other in comfort.
He could say more. Tell her about her strength under her fragile beauty, her straightforward nature, her work ethic, but he didn’t say any of those words. Instead, he tilted his chin a fraction of an inch and softly placed his lips against hers.
She held still, not pulling back but not returning the kiss either, so he kissed her again, equally gentle but with
