It hurt that I would never see him again, never hold him or brush his hair like this.
Who could I blame but myself? There was no one else. It was my fault. If I could have gone back, if I could have told the truth from the start…
Or even revealed my backstory when Asshole turned up in town. If I’d come clean, he would have forgiven me. I was sure of it.
But I hadn’t.
Instead, I’d allowed the lies to fester and grow, ruining the relationship I had with Traes and now, Cleb.
I had lost them both.
“I’m… going away for a while,” I said to Cleb’s sleeping form. “I want you to knuckle down and work hard. Do you hear me? You’re very smart. And remember, being a spy takes lots of hard work.”
I couldn’t stop the tears. I let them come. I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead.
His spy figurines sat on his bedside table. The figurines that had saved both our lives.
A shame they couldn’t save our future too.
I picked one up. It was the little boy spy with a jet pack on his back. If I looked closely enough, it resembled Cleb. I hoped he wouldn’t mind if I took it. I tucked it in my bag.
I would keep him with me always.
I went into the bathroom to touch up my makeup and undo the damage my tears had done.
I moved to the door and, before stepping out, glanced back at that tiny figure in the huge bed. He looked even smaller now I was leaving him.
I shut the door and headed down the stairs. The servants were back at work performing their duties. The mood was dark and dull, the way it was when I first arrived.
“Would you care for something to eat?” Waev said, meeting me at the foot of the stairs. “Or something to drink?”
Even he had turned stiff again, although that was common enough for him. He usually was stiff.
Did he know about my lies? Did he know the truth? Had Traes shared them with the servants?
I didn’t think so. Traes wasn’t the gossiping type.
At least that was a small mercy.
“No, thank you,” I said. “I’m not hungry.”
That wasn’t exactly true. But anything I swallowed would never stay down.
Waev bowed deeply.
“May I say, it’s been a pleasure having you stay with us,” he said. “You’ve made the world of difference to Cleb, and of course, to Traes.”
He knew I was leaving. I supposed Traes had to tell the servants eventually. So why not tell them right away?
“Thank you for everything,” I said. “I… really enjoyed myself here.”
It was no good. I couldn’t speak with him any longer. I needed to grab my ticket from Traes and get out of there.
I knocked on the door of his study.
A commanding voice replied with:
“Come.”
I took a deep breath and opened the door. He glanced up at me and bent back down over his work.
I approached his desk. Every step felt like a thousand miles.
I stopped in front of him. Even now, as angry as he was and perched behind his desk, commanding his mini-empire, he was handsome. He would work all the hours he could.
To quench the pain, I realized.
It was his distraction. Some people liked to watch sport, others to exercise. For him, the solution to unwanted thoughts was work.
“The ticket is on the desk,” he said, not looking up at me. “I hope you have a nice trip.”
I opened the envelope. The ticket was for the most expensive option. I would have an entire private suite to myself. It would have taken me a year to afford to pay for it.
“Thank you,” I said. “But I don’t want to stay awake for the journey. I want a pod.”
His coping method was work. Mine would be sleep.
The less I had to think over what happened, the better.
“I’m sure they’ll downgrade you if you ask,” he said, signing a document and placing it in the out tray.
He reached for the next report.
I placed my hand on his. I felt the bolt of electricity.
Did he?
He gently removed his hand from under mine.
I guess not.
“We don’t have to do this,” I said. “We can try again. We can go slow. I can live in town and take care of Cleb. Maybe with time, you might want to see me again. One day.”
“That time has passed,” he said.
He pulled the document from the tray and placed it in front of himself. He bent over it.
So, it really was over.
For him.
It would take me time to get over him.
“Can you do me one favor?” I said.
He didn’t say a word.
“Don’t get him a strict governess,” I said. “He deserves someone kind and gentle. Someone who cares more about him than rules and regulations.”
He scribbled on the report and placed it in the out tray.
“I’ll see what I can do,” he said.
He wasn’t interested in conversation. He just wanted me to leave.
“Okay,” I said, dismayed and more than a little hurt.
I got halfway to the door before I turned on my heel.
“And one more thing,” I said. “Don’t work so much. You have so much more to offer Cleb than just a comfortable upbringing. Cleb needs you. Now more than ever. Don’t bury yourself in work the way you used to. You’re ten times the man you used to be.”
Unable to say another word for fear I would burst into tears, I quickly marched from the room.
As I shut the door, I glanced up. I thought I saw him looking up from his document and watch me go.
But that had to be impossible.
Didn’t it?
Traes
I was suffering from the same problem.
I slid my eyes down the page but the words made no sense.
Nothing seemed to make much sense anymore.
I wasn’t kidding anyone. Least of all myself.
I got up from my chair and wandered over to the window. Waev worked in the garden, chatting amiably with the other workers. Even now, I found it
