He’s wrong. My father and I both know how long I can withstand his torture. I don’t know how long exactly I have to fight his presence, but I’ll give it my all.
Heavy thumps outside my door carve my heart to stone with every footstep. Through the gap below, I catch an inch of my father’s brown leather shoes. They’re new. He bought them specifically to wear to the funeral.
I despise them.
I despise him.
“Unlock the door, Giulio!” His rough voice digs another wound in my chest.
“No!”
“I said unlock the door or I’ll do something we’ll both regret.”
I cannot control my pulsing rage. It’s too much. “You already ruined everything! You ruined Mom. You let this happen. You let her die while you were with a woman that wasn’t Mommy. I hate you!”
“You do not get to speak to me like that. I’m going to—that’s it, time’s up.”
My bedroom door bursts wide open and in a flash, my nine-year-old frame is flung into the air. I hit one of the cream walls with a loud thud. My back aches and my hand is scraped, but I don’t say a word. No. I don’t care how much my father hurts me, I will never show him fear. He will never break me. Never
I know that look in my father’s light eyes. The one of utter destruction. The one I see haunting my dreams every single night. The one my mom stared into and saw nothing but gold. He was different back then. He liked me when Mom was around.
My father’s jaw clenches and alcohol slurs his words. “What? Do you think you’re stronger than me, Giulio? Is that what it is?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Don’t fucking talk back to me.” He crouches beside me with a vengeance, and the lines between his brows deepen. “Listen to me, kid. Your mother’s dead. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be here to pick up the pieces. You’re not my life anymore. I have Clare and we have a child on the way. One that isn’t you. Do you understand?”
Nod.
“I didn’t even want you. I’ve never wanted you.”
Nod.
“Remember that when you cry yourself to sleep like the weak little boy you are. That’s what you are, Giulio. You’re weak. You’ll never be strong.”
Once again my head inclines.
“Stop crying, weak boy.” My father tugs my injured hand towards him. I didn’t see it before, but now I can’t miss it. Argent lighter with his initials. P.G. The warm embers entice and scare me all at the same time. I already know what will happen next, which is why my eyes slam shut and I pray to my mom in heaven. I pray for it all to stop. I wish she was still here instead of the man I’m forced to call my dad.
Please don’t hurt me.
But he does. Of course he does. Why wouldn’t he?
“Open your eyes and face it. Face it like a man, Giulio.”
Tears cascade down my cheeks as the flame licks my skin. It taunts my palm and curls up until my knuckles endure the brunt of the pain. The intense heat builds rapidly until I’m squirming against the wood oak floorboards. My father never allows it to go beyond the point of scarring or burning me severely, but it does blemish my skin and ego for days after.
Please, Mom.
Come and save me.
Darkness is all I’m met with. It’s all the nightmares in one. I cannot call out for help because this is supposed to be the man who defends me. The man who loves me. The man that should do anything for me. But ever since Mom died, he’s become the devil she’d always protected me against.
I wait in pain until he’s satisfied enough to let me go. For now.
“You don’t understand how much it hurts me to see your mother every time I look at you. I’m sick of it.” My father grips my jaw, forcing me to bore into those devilish eyes. “It makes me feel as though she’s still here and I don’t want that fucking feeling. Most importantly, I don’t want you. One of these days…I’ll have my way. One of these days you’ll see what I’m capable of. One of these days you’ll despise me more than you do today. Mark my words, Giulio.” And then he’s gone. Leaving me sobbing with an empty heart and no place to call home.
“Daddy!” I look away from the orange tulips to my daughter’s doe eyes. Slonne is pulling on my charcoal slacks with a wolfish grin. “Daddy? Didn’t you hear me?”
Fuck.
How long have I been out of it?
The memory of my father ends in waves. I need to forget about it right here inside this florist, no matter how tight my chest aches. My father will never gain that control over me. He didn’t back then and he won’t right now. That nine-year-old boy has grown into a thirty-two-year-old man. I am not nor have I ever been weak.
“Sorry, darling. What did you say?”
Slonne’s giggle reenergizes me as I lift her into my arms. She matches the sweet, holistic smell of the flowers. “I said the lady asked you a question, silly!”
I arch a playful brow. “Did you just call me silly?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Oh, you’re going to get it now.” I attack my daughter in tickles. Her laugher bounces off the walls and I can’t help but see Valencia in her.
Valencia.
My father’s voice plays in my mind. You don’t understand how much it hurts me to see your mother every time I look at you. I’m sick of it. But unlike my father, I’ll never get tired of seeing my separated wife in my son and daughter’s eyes, no matter the constant agony in my heart.
A shallow breath escapes me as I set Slonne down. She runs off to the back of the store where Oscar is playing with the owner’s slender ginger cat.
I turn to the cashier. “I apologize for earlier. What did you ask
