I give in because I don’t want to waste a single second of my life without them.
Valencia
I set down the paintbrush for the third time tonight. I don’t have it in me to complete the first brushstroke. Nothing soothes me to sleep as the clock strikes a quarter to twelve. I’ve tried it all—watched television, pace up and down the living room, music, yoga, paint. Anything to coax myself to sleep—but, I get nothing in return.
Insomnia tends to take over some nights, but it’s been far less daunting since I began taking the anti-depressants in the morning. My one true savior is the mental health book Giulio gave me. It’s one of the most beautiful things anybody could ever give because it is truly made for me. I finished it a couple of days ago and I’m already beginning to see everything clearer.
“Mommy, are you awake?” My daughter peers through my open bedroom door. Her small face searches until her innocent eyes meet mine.
I rush to lift her in my arms. “Is everything okay? Why are you out of the bed, angel?”
Slonne rests her head in the crook of my neck and I breathe in her calming jasmine and vanilla bodywash. Dread takes over me at her tears which hit my skin. “I’ve got you. Mommy is here, butterfly.” I kiss the side of her head and sway her side to side, just like I used to when she was little. At six she’s no longer that little newborn, but she will always be my babygirl.
I think back to the book and remember a saying: In life, you’re not always in control of what happens, however you are always in control of the way you react.
“I ha-had another bad dr-dream.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Slonne nods against my neck. “I had a dream that dragons got Daddy and put him in this big tower…Like in Rapunzel! There was no window and so me and Oscar and you were at the bottom trying to get to Daddy but we couldn’t see him. Then more and more dragons came. Then…then they took away our candy and blew out fire. It was so scary because they made us leave and live without Daddy forever!”
My heart aches. Over and over for her. Slonne has been having these types of dreams for a long while. Although they are much less frequent now, they are still concerning. Especially because they all in a way relate to the subject of kidnappings.
The twins’ therapist, Melanie, has expertly shown them that dreams are only fantasy and an extension of their fears. The only way to cure them is through positive thoughts and a happy mind. Giulio and I continue to separately do our best to console them and cure their pain, but some nights are harder than others.
“I can imagine it would have been scary, but it isn’t real. Daddy’s safe! We’re all safe.”
Slonne breaths out a sigh. She’s cried so hard she’s now hiccupping. “We’re all safe.”
“Yes, angel. We are.” When I wipe away her tears and sit us both down on the bed, I hold her hands in mine and bring them to my heart. “We’re all going to be okay. Sadly, in life nothing is promised. I can’t promise bad things won’t happen, but what I can say is that we will find a way through it, like we always do. When you’re with Mommy and Daddy, you never have to worry or be scared. Okay? We will always protect you from every single nightmare.”
“I love you, Mommy.”
I hold her tightly, never wanting to let go. “I love you all the way to the stars, my angel.”
Slonne eases down until her breaths normalize. “Can we still use the bad dream spray?”
“The bad dream spray?”
“Yeah, the one Daddy said. He told me that it’s our secret but I really need it right now.”
Bad dream spray?
I scan my bedroom with furrowed brows, unsure of what she means. Giulio has never mentioned it before and I don’t want to disappoint Slonne by not helping her. I also don’t want to make it seem like I have no clue what she’s talking about, and so I rub her back and reach for my phone on the nightstand.
“Yes, of course. Let’s just stay like this for a little while first.”
“Okay.”
Slonne can’t see the phone in my hand with her head in the crook of my neck. I put it on silent and pull up Giulio’s contact. I know it’s late, but this is urgent. We’re still tense and haven’t spoken since the altercation. This morning when the police knocked on my door asking further questions about the suspicious man leaning against the car, a part of me had hoped they were here to tell me more about Addilyn.
But they weren’t.
The news that vandals destroyed one of Giulio’s sites with toxic words about Addilyn destroys me. I didn’t appreciate what Giulio did to me, but I would never wish this upon him.
Valencia: I’m sorry it’s late. Slonne had another nightmare and is asking for a bad dream spray? I’m not too sure what it is…Apparently you’ve used it with her?
Those three bubbles appear faster than I expect.
Giulio: Hey, it’s okay. I’m leaving for Vancouver in a few hours. The bad dream spray is your favorite perfume bottle. The Marc Jacobs one. Spray it a little in her room and I told her she’ll have sweet dreams. If she doesn’t, re-spray it again. I hope that helps.
I almost drop my phone from shock.
My favorite perfume.
Decadence.
I must have left one at Giulio’s. The fact that he’s been using something of mine for such a delicate physiological cure for Slonne makes me see just how…compassionate
