I shake my head, the heavy lump in my throat throbs just as my vision blurs with tears. “There isn’t a perfect time. Whoever did this to us ruined everything.”
An unsteady sigh escapes Giulio.
His closeness lingers even when he steps away. I lean over the sink, clutching my chest when the world begins to spin. I get that feeling I felt at the dinner table last night after seeing the report. That tight bundle of angst. The hurtful thoughts. The non-existent goodbye.
Please, not another panic attack.
Not with him.
“Fuck. I can’t see you like this, Valencia.”
“What am I supposed to do? I can’t do anything!”
“It kills me too. You know it does! The truth is, I don’t feel her.”
“Please don’t…”
Don’t say that.
I shut my eyes to remember that ocean of mine. I need to go back to the sailor incapable of navigating his compass. Back to the clear blue waters where everything is serene.
“Valencia…are you okay?”
“Please, just go,” I plead, pouring some water out of the tea kettle before placing it on the stove. I reach up on my toes to feel for a mug in the overhead cupboard, only to gasp at the sensation Giulio’s body gives as he aligns himself against my back. I don’t expect for his warm hand to fall by my waist, nor the other to effortlessly clasp the mug for me with ease.
His lips graze against my ear. “Here.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, taking the mug.
“It will only worsen us if I walk out with everything left unsaid. I owe you an apology.”
“There’s nothing worse than this.”
“There is. You don’t want me to raise hell these next four weeks without you.”
I turn around, bewildered. “Wait. Are you actually accepting my resignation?”
“Never.” A hopeful smile rises on his parted lips. “But at least you’re looking at me now.”
That gets me to chuckle and my eyes roll at his achievement. “God, I hate you!”
Giulio turns serious. His hands by the countertop box me in, preventing me from escaping him. Maybe I don’t want to…It doesn’t help how the overhead light illuminates his pupils and I witness them expand. “Do you though? Hate me, that is.”
My head involuntarily shakes. “No. I could never. You aggravate me sometimes and I’m sure I do the same to you, but never hate. Hating you would be unfair on us and our children. I don’t want them growing up in a broken family…I know you don’t either.”
Giulio’s smile endorses my words.
I know I’ve hit home.
“Exactly, my upbringing was filled with animosity after my mom died. It wasn’t until my father took his life that I realized some people don’t need to be dead to begin grieving them. Meanwhile, others leave your life even though you’ve been holding onto them the entire time.” His tone takes on a low cadence. My entire body comes alive underneath his enticing gaze. “I never intended to let go of Addilyn. She’s my babygirl too. I was supposed to protect her, but I didn’t, just like I couldn’t protect my mom. My mother died believing her devoted husband was a man of gold. That will always haunt me.”
I wish I could take away Giulio’s pain. His past torments him. Seeing his step-mother pregnant with Marcus at his mother’s funeral and uncovering how his father betrayed his mother during her battle. Then being forced to grow up with those who had betrayed her—he couldn’t tolerate it. He was twenty-one when his father took his life. He and Marcus witnessed their father’s suicide during Giulio’s first trip back to New Jersey for Thanksgiving after relocating to Seattle. I can’t begin to imagine what it would have felt like to lose both parents so young, and the tension of it all will always remain within him.
It’s still there.
I remember when Giulio first told me the story and I saw the immense love for his mother in his eyes. I still see it. How moved and inspired I was by what he’s made for himself. That night I knew we were destined to be together.
“I know you’re hurt…I wish I could take it all away for you, Giulio.”
“Nobody gets me like you do. I’ve always been loyal to you. Even during this separation, not once have I even thought about being with another woman. I’m not looking for that. Do you know what my priority is? The one I share with you?”
I feel our every breath colliding and it reminds me we’re alive, capable of tackling anything and everything. Giulio’s heat slaughters me and takes me back to when everything was much simpler. A place only for him and me. I’d do anything to return there, but I’m also scared of the perpetual limitations between us. Until we’re on the same page, it won’t work.
“Our priority is our children.”
“Exactly.” He nods with a soft smile. “My priority is being a good father and protecting them from harm. You’re also my priority. I still care. God, I want you thriving. I hid something big. I fucked up. I know that now. You deserve much more than what I give you.”
“Giulio, it’s…”
“It’s not okay. I couldn’t forgive myself when you walked away from me yesterday. I was so torn. I don’t want you crying for me. I don’t deserve it.”
If I don’t get out of my head, I’ll be the person dragging this moment down. My hands fall upon Giulio’s chest and it electrifies me right there. My palms cover his crisp shirt, just above his heart and for a moment, his rapid heartbeats are all I concentrate on. I wonder if he can feel that mine are beating to the same rhythm.
Through my lashes, I absorb how attractively vulnerable he is. “You deserve something.”
“I deserve nothing.”
“No. You do deserve it.”
“I’m so sorry that I let you down. You know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I
