I know I have done something tonight beyond repair. Not only did Valencia bear witness to me ending a life, but I admitted my greatest secret…I killed my father.
I battle the sobs and tell myself that I need to be strong, but how? How does one be strong when they’ve just lost the other half of their heart? How can I be strong when all I feel is weak?
You’re weak, son.
It is what you are.
It is what you will always be.
Sandro arrives just after midnight with his crew of three other men. He steps inside with his usual leather jacket, five o’clock shadow, and pointed eyes. He pulls the cigar from his lips and nods towards the intruder while his men begin the process of sorting and cleaning. His New Jersey-Italian accent shakes me. “I didn’t think you had it in you. Sometimes you only see the true man hiding underneath when your family is under fire.”
I know Sandro’s line of duty, but I never expected I would actually be using the gun I bought from him or that I’d be contacting him regarding disposing of the body and cleaning this potent smell in my kitchen.
“I’m not proud of it. I lost Valencia tonight.”
Sandro takes a puff. “Nah, you didn’t lose her. You were protecting her.”
“No. She’s right, I killed the only hope we had left. I ruined it all and I cannot—”
“Take it back? No, no that’s not how this game is played.” Sandro cuts me off and his eyes zone in on mine. The gaze of a man who’s seen more crimes in twenty-four hours than others see in their entire lifetime. He points a finger at me, his face stern and tense. “The only thing you can’t take back is death. You can’t take that back. You cannot take what you did tonight back. Alright? Everything else you can change. You love her, I see it in your eyes. You killed him because you feared he would have killed her and she got scared. Let me tell you something, that’s a normal reaction. If she truly loves you, faith will conquer all. It always does. Vedrai. Trust me. The world has a funny way of showing it.”
All I can do is nod.
If she truly loves you, faith will conquer all.
Vedrai.
Sandro squeezes my shoulders and turns back to the lifeless man before us. “Now you have to do one of the hardest things, but it’s gotta be done before we get rid of him. Look at him. See who it is.”
When I slip off the balaclava, my jaw tightens.
Oh…Dio…
It’s the man who attacked me.
His eyes are wide open, frozen in time. There’s that same scar between his eyebrows. That same arrogant face, even in his death.
I change out of my clothes and give the men the ones I committed the crime in, along with the gun. It has me think of Valencia. What will she do with her clothes? Will she call the police? Will she tell somebody the truth about my father’s death?
Fuck.
I pay Sandro the sixty thousand. It’s three times the normal rate and on top of that, I sign the NDA. They’re out of the house soon after. There’s no sign of death in the kitchen anymore. But I still can’t breathe easily, not even after there is no sign of the murder. Not even after I unlock the twins’ doors and find they are sound asleep. Not even when I slip into the bed with Valencia’s scent lingering on the sheets.
I killed my father and I’ve gotten away with it for over a decade, but now…?
The man I killed tonight…will it be my undoing?
Will Valencia call the police?
Both occasions were self-defense. If I didn’t kill the man, he would have killed Valencia and I couldn’t have that. Self-defense, I tell myself over and over, until I can’t take it anymore.
My agitation has me reenter the kitchen to grab my trusty bottle of bourbon and then head back to the bedroom. I step out past these cursed French doors and up to the rooftop balcony. I somehow stumble onto the outdoor sofa, causing the bourbon bottle I’m now drinking out of to slip from my grip and smash onto the decking. Liquid gold spills alongside shattered glass.
“Go to hell…” I grumble at the mess and step over it, unsteady.
The Seattle air feels warmer now and I wonder if it’s because inside I feel nothing but coldness. It has to be. It’s the only reason, alongside my broken heart. I did this to myself. I’ve forced this sorrow. I’ve caused this gaping hole for not only my marriage but for my children.
I don’t know if we can ever come back from this…
If Valencia can ever forgive me for hurting her this deep.
If tonight I have killed the last hope of finding Addilyn alive.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I let you down, Lencia.
I look up at the stars now—at our stars—and for the first time in my life, I wish upon them.
Valencia
“Aye! Watch out!” Strong hands grip my forearm and pull me back into a firm chest. A car zooms past right in front of me, missing me by inches. I stumble into the familiar scent, shaken by my near-death experience. Bryce looks down at me with furrowed brows, witnessing my anxious expression. “You okay? That was close!”
Too close.
My fingers thread through my hair in a panic. I was so lost in thought moments ago that I detached myself from reality and began crossing the road into the traffic before it was my turn.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, thank you for that. I just was lost in thought.”
Bryce slings a hand over
