Short Plays

generals downstairs. And then you see an English captain merely because he has given a rouble to that common soldier. It is scandalous. Patiomkin Darling beloved, I am drunk; but I know what I am doing. I wish to stand well with the English. Varinka And you think you will impress an Englishman by receiving him as you are now, half drunk? Patiomkin Gravely. It is true: the English despise men who cannot drink. I must make myself wholly drunk. He takes a huge draught of brandy. Varinka Sot! The Sergeant returns ushering a handsome strongly built young English officer in the uniform of a Light Dragoon. He is evidently on fairly good terms with himself, and very sure of his social position. He crosses the room to the end of the table opposite Patiomkin’s, and awaits the civilities of that statesman with confidence. The Sergeant remains prudently at the door. The Sergeant Paternally. Little Father: this is the English captain, so well recommended to her sacred Majesty the Empress. God knows, he needs your countenance and protec⁠—He vanishes precipitately, seeing that Patiomkin is about to throw a bottle at him. The Captain contemplates these preliminaries with astonishment, and with some displeasure, which is not allayed when Patiomkin, hardly condescending to look at his visitor, of whom he nevertheless takes stock with the corner of his one eye, says gruffly. Well? Edstaston My name is Edstaston: Captain Edstaston of the Light Dragoons. I have the honor to present to your Highness this letter from the British ambassador, which will give you all necessary particulars. He hands Patiomkin the letter. Patiomkin Tearing it open and glancing at it for about a second. What do you want? Edstaston The letter will explain to your Highness who I am. Patiomkin I don’t want to know who you are. What do you want? Edstaston An audience of the Empress. Patiomkin contemptuously throws the letter aside. Edstaston adds hotly. Also some civility, if you please. Patiomkin With derision. Ho! Varinka My uncle is receiving you with unusual civility, Captain. He has just kicked a general downstairs. Edstaston A Russian general, madam? Varinka Of course. Edstaston I must allow myself to say, madam, that your uncle had better not attempt to kick an English officer downstairs. Patiomkin You want me to kick you upstairs: eh? You want an audience of the Empress. Edstaston I have said nothing about kicking, sir. If it comes to that, my boots shall speak for me. Her Majesty has signified a desire to have news of the rebellion in America. I have served against the rebels; and I am instructed to place myself at the disposal of her Majesty, and to describe the events of the war to her as an eyewitness, in a discreet and agreeable manner. Patiomkin Psha! I know. You think if she once sets eyes on your face and your uniform your fortune is made. You think that if she could stand a man like me, with only one eye, and a cross eye at that, she must fall down at your feet at first sight, eh? Edstaston Shocked and indignant. I think nothing of the sort; and I’ll trouble you not to repeat it. If I were a Russian subject and you made such a boast about my queen, I’d strike you across the face with my sword. Patiomkin, with a yell of fury, rushes at him. Hands off, you swine! As Patiomkin, towering over him, attempts to seize him by the throat, Edstaston, who is a bit of a wrestler, adroitly backheels him. He falls, amazed, on his back. Varinka Rushing out. Help! Call the guard! The Englishman is murdering my uncle! Help! Help! The Guard and the Sergeant rush in. Edstaston draws a pair of small pistols from his boots, and points one at the Sergeant and the other at Patiomkin, who is sitting on the floor, somewhat sobered. The soldiers stand irresolute. Edstaston Stand off. To Patiomkin. Order them off, if you don’t want a bullet through your silly head. The Sergeant Little Father: tell us what to do. Our lives are yours; but God knows you are not fit to die. Patiomkin Absurdly self-possessed. Get out. The Sergeant Little Father⁠— Patiomkin Roaring. Get out. Get out, all of you. They withdraw, much relieved at their escape from the pistol. Patiomkin attempts to rise, and rolls over. Here! help me up, will you? Don’t you see that I’m drunk and can’t get up? Edstaston Suspiciously. You want to get hold of me. Patiomkin Squatting resignedly against the chair on which his clothes hang. Very well, then: I shall stay where I am, because I’m drunk and you’re afraid of me. Edstaston I’m not afraid of you, damn you! Patiomkin Ecstatically. Darling: your lips are the gates of truth. Now listen to me. He marks off the items of his statement with ridiculous stiff gestures of his head and arms, imitating a puppet. You are Captain Whatshisname; and your uncle is the Earl of Whatdyecallum; and your father is Bishop of Thingummybob; and you are a young man of the highest spr⁠—promise (I told you I was drunk), educated at Cambridge, and got your step as captain in the field at the glorious battle of Bunker’s Hill. Invalided home from America at the request of Aunt Fanny, Lady-in-Waiting to the Queen. All right, eh? Edstaston How do you know all this? Patiomkin Crowing fantastically. In er lerrer, darling, darling, darling, darling. Lerrer you showed me. Edstaston But you didn’t read it. Patiomkin Flapping his fingers at him grotesquely. Only one eye, darling. Cross eye. Sees everything. Read lerrer ince⁠—ince⁠—istastaneously. Kindly