Short Plays

give me vinegar borle. Green borle. On’y to sober me. Too drunk to speak proply. If you would be so kind, darling. Green borle. Edstaston, still suspicious, shakes his head and keeps his pistols ready. Reach it myself. He reaches behind him up to the table, and snatches at the green bottle, from which he takes a copious draught. Its effect is appalling. His wry faces and agonized belchings are so heartrending that they almost upset Edstaston. When the victim at last staggers to his feet, he is a pale fragile nobleman, aged and quite sober, extremely dignified in manner and address, though shaken by his recent convulsions. Young man: it is not better to be drunk than sober; but it is happier. Goodness is not happiness. That is an epigram. But I have overdone this. I am too sober to be good company. Let me redress the balance. He takes a generous draught of brandy, and recovers his geniality. Aha! That’s better. And now listen, darling. You must not come to Court with pistols in your boots. Edstaston I have found them useful. Patiomkin Nonsense. I’m your friend. You mistook my intention because I was drunk. Now that I am sober⁠—in moderation⁠—I will prove that I am your friend. Have some diamonds. Roaring. Hullo there! Dogs, pigs: hullo! The Sergeant comes in. The Sergeant God be praised, Little Father: you are still spared to us. Patiomkin Tell them to bring some diamonds. Plenty of diamonds. And rubies. Get out. He aims a kick at the Sergeant, who flees. Put up your pistols, darling. I’ll give you a pair with gold handgrips. I am your friend. Edstaston Replacing the pistols in his boots rather unwillingly. Your Highness understands that if I am missing, or if anything happens to me, there will be trouble. Patiomkin Enthusiastically. Call me darling. Edstaston It is not the English custom. Patiomkin You have no hearts, you English! Slapping his right breast. Heart! Heart! Edstaston Pardon, your Highness: your heart is on the other side. Patiomkin Surprised and impressed. Is it? You are learned! You are a doctor! You English are wonderful! We are barbarians, drunken pigs. Catherine does not know it; but we are. Catherine’s a German. But I have given her a Russian heart. He is about to slap himself again. Edstaston Delicately. The other side, your Highness. Patiomkin Maudlin. Darling: a true Russian has a heart on both sides. The Sergeant enters carrying a goblet filled with precious stones. Patiomkin Get out. He snatches the goblet and kicks the Sergeant out, not maliciously but from habit, indeed not noticing that he does it. Darling: have some diamonds. Have a fistful. He takes up a handful and lets them slip back through his fingers into the goblet, which he then offers to Edstaston. Edstaston Thank you: I don’t take presents. Patiomkin Amazed. You refuse! Edstaston I thank your Highness; but it is not the custom for English gentlemen to take presents of that kind. Patiomkin Are you really an Englishman? Edstaston Bows. ! Patiomkin You are the first Englishman I ever saw refuse anything he could get. He puts the goblet on the table; then turns again to Edstaston. Listen, darling. You are a wrestler: a splendid wrestler. You threw me on my back like magic, though I could lift you with one hand. Darling: you are a giant, a paladin. Edstaston Complacently. We wrestle rather well in my part of England. Patiomkin I have a Turk who is a wrestler: a prisoner of war. You shall wrestle with him for me. I’ll stake a million roubles on you. Edstaston Incensed. Damn you! do you take me for a prizefighter? How dare you make me such a proposal? Patiomkin With wounded feeling. Darling: there is no pleasing you. Don’t you like me? Edstaston Mollified. Well, in a sort of way I do; though I don’t know why I should. But my instructions are that I am to see the Empress; and⁠— Patiomkin Darling: you shall see the Empress. A glorious woman, the greatest woman in the world. But lemme give you piece ’vice⁠—pah! still drunk. They water my vinegar. He shakes himself; clears his throat; and resumes soberly. If Catherine takes a fancy to you, you may ask for roubles, diamonds, palaces, titles, orders, anything! and you may aspire to everything: field-marshal, admiral, minister, what you please⁠—except Tsar. Edstaston I tell you I don’t want to ask for anything. Do you suppose I am an adventurer and a beggar? Patiomkin Plaintively. Why not, darling? I was an adventurer. I was a beggar. Edstaston Oh, you! Patiomkin Well: what’s wrong with me? Edstaston You are a Russian. That’s different. Patiomkin Effusively. Darling: I am a man; and you are a man; and Catherine is a woman. Woman reduces us all to the common denominator. Chuckling. Again an epigram! Gravely. You understand it, I hope. Have you had a college education, darling? I have. Edstaston Certainly. I am a Bachelor of Arts. Patiomkin It is enough that you are a bachelor, darling: Catherine will supply the arts. Aha! Another epigram! I am in the vein today. Edstaston Embarrassed and a little offended. I must ask your Highness to change the subject. As a visitor in Russia, I am the guest of the Empress; and I must tell you plainly that I have neither the right nor the disposition to speak lightly of her Majesty. Patiomkin You have conscientious scruples? Edstaston I have the scruples of a gentleman. Patiomkin In Russia a gentleman has no scruples. In Russia we face facts. Edstaston In England, sir, a gentleman never faces any facts if they are unpleasant facts. Patiomkin In real life, darling, all facts are unpleasant. Greatly pleased with himself. Another epigram!