Short Plays

Where is my accursed chancellor? these gems should be written down and recorded for posterity. He rushes to the table; sits down; and snatches up a pen. Then, recollecting himself. But I have not asked you to sit down. He rises and goes to the other chair. I am a savage: a barbarian. He throws the shirt and coat over the table on to the floor and puts his sword on the table. Be seated, Captain. Edstaston Thank you. They bow to one another ceremoniously. Patiomkin’s tendency to grotesque exaggeration costs him his balance; he nearly falls over Edstaston, who rescues him and takes the proffered chair. Patiomkin Resuming his seat. By the way, what was the piece of advice I was going to give you? Edstaston As you did not give it, I don’t know. Allow me to add that I have not asked for your advice. Patiomkin I give it to you unasked, delightful Englishman. I remember it now. It was this. Don’t try to become Tsar of Russia. Edstaston In astonishment. I haven’t the slightest intention⁠— Patiomkin Not now; but you will have: take my word for it. It will strike you as a splendid idea to have conscientious scruples⁠—to desire the blessing of the Church on your union with Catherine. Edstaston Racing in utter amazement. My union with Catherine! You’re mad. Patiomkin Unmoved. The day you hint at such a thing will be the day of your downfall. Besides, it is not lucky to be Catherine’s husband. You know what happened to Peter? Edstaston Shortly: sitting down again. I do not wish to discuss it. Patiomkin You think she murdered him? Edstaston I know that people have said so. Patiomkin Thunderously; springing to his feet. It is a lie: Orloff murdered him. Subsiding a little. He also knocked my eye out; but sitting down placidly I succeeded him for all that. And patting Edstaston’s hand very affectionately I’m sorry to say, darling, that if you become Tsar, I shall murder you. Edstaston Ironically returning the caress. Thank you. The occasion will not arise. Rising. I have the honor to wish your Highness good morning. Patiomkin Jumping up and stopping him on his way to the door. Tut tut! I’m going to take you to the Empress now, this very instant. Edstaston In these boots? Impossible! I must change. Patiomkin Nonsense! You shall come just as you are. You shall show her your calves later on. Edstaston But it will take me only half an hour to⁠— Patiomkin In half an hour it will be too late for the petit lever. Come along. Damn it, man, I must oblige the British ambassador, and the French ambassador, and old Fritz, and Monsieur Voltaire and the rest of them. He shouts rudely to the door. Varinka! To Edstaston, with tears in his voice. Varinka shall persuade you: nobody can refuse Varinka anything. My niece. A treasure, I assure you. Beautiful! devoted! fascinating! Shouting again. Varinka: where the devil are you? Varinka Returning. I’ll not be shouted for. You have the voice of a bear, and the manners of a tinker. Patiomkin Tsh‑sh‑sh. Little angel Mother: you must behave yourself before the English captain. He takes off his dressing gown and throws it over the papers and the breakfasts; picks up his coat; and disappears behind the screen to complete his toilette. Edstaston Madam! He bows. Varinka Curtseying. Monsieur le Capitaine! Edstaston I must apologize for the disturbance I made, madam. Patiomkin Behind the screen. You must not call her madam. You must call her Little Mother, and beautiful darling. Edstaston My respect for the lady will not permit it. Varinka Respect! How can you respect the niece of a savage? Edstaston Deprecating. Oh, madam! Varinka Heaven is my witness, Little English Father, we need someone who is not afraid of him. He is so strong! I hope you will throw him down on the floor many, many, many times. Patiomkin Behind the screen. Varinka! Varinka Yes? Patiomkin Go and look through the keyhole of the Imperial bedchamber; and bring me word whether the Empress is awake yet. Varinka Fi donc! I do not look through keyholes. Patiomkin Emerging, having arranged his shirt and put on his diamonded coat. You have been badly brought up, little darling. Would any lady or gentleman walk unannounced into a room without first looking through the keyhole? Taking his sword from the table and putting it on. The great thing in life is to be simple; and the perfectly simple thing is to look through keyholes. Another epigram: the fifth this morning! Where is my fool of a chancellor? Where is Popof? Edstaston Choking with suppressed laughter. !!!! Patiomkin Gratified. Darling, you appreciate my epigram. Edstaston Excuse me. Pop off! Ha! ha! I can’t help laughing. What’s his real name, by the way, in case I meet him? Varinka Surprised. His real name? Popof, of course. Why do you laugh, Little Father? Edstaston How can anyone with a sense of humor help laughing? Pop off! He is convulsed. Varinka Looking at her uncle, taps her forehead significantly. !! Patiomkin Aside to Varinka. No: only English. He will amuse Catherine. To Edstaston. Come, you shall tell the joke to the Empress: she is by way of being a humorist. He takes him by the arm, and leads him towards the door. Edstaston Resisting. No, really. I am not fit⁠— Patiomkin Persuade him, Little angel Mother. Varinka Taking his other arm. Yes, yes, yes. Little English Father: God knows it is your duty to be brave and wait on the Empress. Come. Edstaston No. I had rather⁠— Patiomkin Hauling him along. Come. Varinka Pulling him and coaxing him. Come, little love: you can’t refuse