Short Plays

instructions? The Clerk It’s me or nobody. And for two pins I’d chuck it. Don’t you drive me too far. Old ’uns like me is up in the world now. Augustus If we were not at war, I should discharge you on the spot for disrespectful behavior. But England is in danger; and I cannot think of my personal dignity at such a moment. Shouting at him. Don’t you think of yours, either, worm that you are; or I’ll have you arrested under the Defence of the Realm Act, double quick. The Clerk What do I care about the realm? They done me out of two and seven⁠— Augustus Oh, damn your two and seven! Did you receive my letters? The Clerk Yes. Augustus I addressed a meeting here last night⁠—went straight to the platform from the train. I wrote to you that I should expect you to be present and report yourself. Why did you not do so? The Clerk The police wouldn’t let me on the platform. Augustus Did you tell them who you were? The Clerk They knew who I was. That’s why they wouldn’t let me up. Augustus This is too silly for anything. This town wants waking up. I made the best recruiting speech I ever made in my life; and not a man joined. The Clerk What did you expect? You told them our gallant fellows is falling at the rate of a thousand a day in the big push. Dying for Little Pifflington, you says. Come and take their places, you says. That ain’t the way to recruit. Augustus But I expressly told them their widows would have pensions. The Clerk I heard you. Would have been all right if it had been the widows you wanted to get round. Augustus Rising angrily. This town is inhabited by dastards. I say it with a full sense of responsibility, dastards! They call themselves Englishmen; and they are afraid to fight. The Clerk Afraid to fight! You should see them on a Saturday night. Augustus Yes, they fight one another; but they won’t fight the Germans. The Clerk They got grudges again one another: how can they have grudges again the Huns that they never saw? They’ve no imagination: that’s what it is. Bring the Huns here; and they’ll quarrel with them fast enough. Augustus Returning to his seat with a grunt of disgust. Mf! They’ll have them here if they’re not careful. Seated. Have you carried out my orders about the war saving? The Clerk Yes. Augustus The allowance of petrol has been reduced by three quarters? The Clerk It has. Augustus And you have told the motorcar people to come here and arrange to start munition work now that their motor business is stopped? The Clerk It ain’t stopped. They’re busier than ever. Augustus Busy at what? The Clerk Making small cars. Augustus New cars! The Clerk The old cars only do twelve miles to the gallon. Everybody has to have a car that will do thirty-five now. Augustus Can’t they take the train? The Clerk There ain’t no trains now. They’ve tore up the rails and sent them to the front. Augustus Psha! The Clerk Well, we have to get about somehow. Augustus This is perfectly monstrous. Not in the least what I intended. The Clerk Hell⁠— Augustus Sir! The Clerk Explaining. Hell, they says, is paved with good intentions. Augustus Springing to his feet. Do you mean to insinuate that hell is paved with my good intentions⁠—with the good intentions of His Majesty’s Government? The Clerk I don’t mean to insinuate anything until the Defence of the Realm Act is repealed. It ain’t safe. Augustus They told me that this town had set an example to all England in the matter of economy. I came down here to promise the Mayor a knighthood for his exertions. The Clerk The Mayor! Where do I come in? Augustus You don’t come in. You go out. This is a fool of a place. I’m greatly disappointed. Deeply disappointed. Flinging himself back into his chair. Disgusted. The Clerk What more can we do? We’ve shut up everything. The picture gallery is shut. The museum is shut. The theatres and picture shows is shut: I haven’t seen a movie picture for six months. Augustus Man, man: do you want to see picture shows when the Hun is at the gate? The Clerk Mournfully. I don’t now, though it drove me melancholy mad at first. I was on the point of taking a pennorth of rat poison⁠— Augustus Why didn’t you? The Clerk Because a friend advised me to take to drink instead. That saved my life, though it makes me very poor company in the mornings, as hiccuping perhaps you’ve noticed. Augustus Well, upon my soul! You are not ashamed to stand there and confess yourself a disgusting drunkard. The Clerk Well, what of it? We’re at war now; and everything’s changed. Besides, I should lose my job here if I stood drinking at the bar. I’m a respectable man and must buy my drink and take it home with me. And they won’t serve me with less than a quart. If you’d told me before the war that I could get through a quart of whisky in a day, I shouldn’t have believed you. That’s the good of war: it brings out powers in a man that he never suspected himself capable of. You said so yourself in your speech last night. Augustus I did not know that I was talking to an imbecile. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. There must be an end of this drunken slacking. I’m going to establish a new order of things here. I shall come down every morning before breakfast until things are properly in train. Have a cup of coffee and two rolls for me here every morning at half-past ten. The Clerk You can’t have no rolls. The only baker that baked rolls was a Hun; and he’s been interned. Augustus Quite right, too. And was there no Englishman to take his place? The Clerk There was. But he was caught spying; and they took him up to London and shot him. Augustus Shot an Englishman! The Clerk Well,