Short Plays

it stands to reason if the Germans wanted to spy they wouldn’t employ a German that everybody would suspect, don’t it? Augustus Rising again. Do you mean to say, you scoundrel, that an Englishman is capable of selling his country to the enemy for gold? The Clerk Not as a general thing I wouldn’t say it; but there’s men here would sell their own mothers for two coppers if they got the chance. Augustus Beamish, it’s an ill bird that fouls its own nest. The Clerk It wasn’t me that let Little Pifflington get foul. I don’t belong to the governing classes. I only tell you why you can’t have no rolls. Augustus Intensely irritated. Can you tell me where I can find an intelligent being to take my orders? The Clerk One of the street sweepers used to teach in the school until it was shut up for the sake of economy. Will he do? Augustus What! You mean to tell me that when the lives of the gallant fellows in our trenches, and the fate of the British Empire, depend on our keeping up the supply of shells, you are wasting money on sweeping the streets? The Clerk We have to. We dropped it for a while; but the infant death rate went up something frightful. Augustus What matters the death rate of Little Pifflington in a moment like this? Think of our gallant soldiers, not of your squalling infants. The Clerk If you want soldiers you must have children. You can’t buy ’em in boxes, like toy soldiers. Augustus Beamish, the long and the short of it is, you are no patriot. Go downstairs to your office; and have that gas stove taken away and replaced by an ordinary grate. The Board of Trade has urged on me the necessity for economizing gas. The Clerk Our orders from the Minister of Munitions is to use gas instead of coal, because it saves material. Which is it to be? Augustus Bawling furiously at him. Both! Don’t criticize your orders: obey them. Yours not to reason why: yours but to do and die. That’s war. Cooling down. Have you anything else to say? The Clerk Yes: I want a rise. Augustus Reeling against the table in his horror. A rise! Horatio Floyd Beamish, do you know that we are at war? The Clerk Feebly ironical. I have noticed something about it in the papers. Heard you mention it once or twice, now I come to think of it. Augustus Our gallant fellows are dying in the trenches; and you want a rise! The Clerk What are they dying for? To keep me alive, ain’t it? Well, what’s the good of that if I’m dead of hunger by the time they come back? Augustus Everybody else is making sacrifices without a thought of self; and you⁠— The Clerk Not half, they ain’t. Where’s the baker’s sacrifice? Where’s the coal merchant’s? Where’s the butcher’s? Charging me double: that’s how they sacrifice themselves. Well, I want to sacrifice myself that way too. Just double next Saturday: double and not a penny less; or no secretary for you. He stiffens himself shakily, and makes resolutely for the door. Augustus Looking after him contemptuously. Go: miserable pro-German. The Clerk Rushing back and facing him. Who are you calling a pro-German? Augustus Another word, and I charge you under the Act with discouraging me. Go. The clerk blenches and goes out, cowed. The telephone rings. Augustus Taking up the telephone receiver. Hallo. Yes: who are you?⁠ ⁠… oh, Blueloo, is it?⁠ ⁠… Yes: there’s nobody in the room: fire away. What?⁠ ⁠… A spy!⁠ ⁠… A woman!⁠ ⁠… Yes: brought it down with me. Do you suppose I’m such a fool as to let it out of my hands? Why, it gives a list of all our antiaircraft emplacements from Ramsgate to Skegness. The Germans would give a million for it⁠—what?⁠ ⁠… But how could she possibly know about it? I haven’t mentioned it to a soul, except, of course, dear Lucy⁠ ⁠… Oh, Toto and Lady Popham and that lot: they don’t count: they’re all right. I mean that I haven’t mentioned it to any Germans.⁠ ⁠… Pooh! Don’t you be nervous, old chap. I know you think me a fool; but I’m not such a fool as all that. If she tries to get it out of me I’ll have her in the Tower before you ring up again. The clerk returns. Sh‑sh! Somebody’s just come in: ring off. Goodbye. He hangs up the receiver. The Clerk Are you engaged? His manner is strangely softened. Augustus What business is that of yours? However, if you will take the trouble to read the society papers for this week, you will see that I am engaged to the Honorable Lucy Popham, youngest daughter of⁠— The Clerk That ain’t what I mean. Can you see a female? Augustus Of course I can see a female as easily as a male. Do you suppose I’m blind? The Clerk You don’t seem to follow me, somehow. There’s a female downstairs: what you might call a lady. She wants to know can you see her if I let her up. Augustus Oh, you mean am I disengaged. Tell the lady I have just received news of the greatest importance which will occupy my entire attention for the rest of the day, and that she must write for an appointment. The Clerk I’ll ask her to explain her business to me. I ain’t above talking to a handsome young female when I get the chance. Going. Augustus Stop. Does she seem to be a person of consequence? The Clerk A regular marchioness, if you ask me. Augustus Hm! Beautiful, did you say? The Clerk A human chrysanthemum, sir, believe me. Augustus It will be extremely inconvenient for me to see her; but the country is in danger; and we must not consider our own comfort. Think how our gallant fellows are suffering in the trenches! Show her up. The Clerk makes for the door, whistling the latest popular ballad. Stop whistling instantly, sir. This is not a