Short Plays

casino. The Clerk Ain’t it? You just wait till you see her. He goes out. Augustus produces a mirror, a comb, and a pot of moustache pomade from the drawer of the writing table, and sits down before the mirror to put some touches to his toilet. The Clerk returns, devotedly ushering a very attractive Lady, brilliantly dressed. She has a dainty wallet hanging from her wrist. Augustus hastily covers up his toilet apparatus with The Morning Post, and rises in an attitude of pompous condescension. The Clerk To Augustus. Here she is. To the Lady. May I offer you a chair, lady? He places a chair at the writing table opposite Augustus, and steals out on tiptoe. Augustus Be seated, madam. The Lady Sitting down. Are you Lord Augustus Highcastle? Augustus Sitting also. Madam, I am. The Lady With awe. The great Lord Augustus? Augustus I should not dream of describing myself so, Madam; but no doubt I have impressed my countrymen⁠—and bowing gallantly may I say my countrywomen⁠—as having some exceptional claims to their consideration. The Lady Emotionally. What a beautiful voice you have! Augustus What you hear, madam, is the voice of my country, which now takes a sweet and noble tone even in the harsh mouth of high officialism. The Lady Please go on. You express yourself so wonderfully! Augustus It would be strange indeed if, after sitting on thirty-seven Royal Commissions, mostly as chairman, I had not mastered the art of public expression. Even the Radical papers have paid me the high compliment of declaring that I am never more impressive than when I have nothing to say. The Lady I never read the Radical papers. All I can tell you is that what we women admire in you is not the politician, but the man of action, the heroic warrior, the beau sabreur. Augustus Gloomily. Madam, I beg! Please! My military exploits are not a pleasant subject, unhappily. The Lady Oh, I know, I know. How shamefully you have been treated! what ingratitude! But the country is with you. The women are with you. Oh, do you think all our hearts did not throb and all our nerves thrill when we heard how, when you were ordered to occupy that terrible quarry in Hulluch, and you swept into it at the head of your men like a sea-god riding on a tidal wave, you suddenly sprang over the top shouting “To Berlin! Forward!”; dashed at the German army single-handed; and were cut off and made prisoner by the Huns. Augustus Yes, madam; and what was my reward? They said I had disobeyed orders, and sent me home. Have they forgotten Nelson in the Baltic? Has any British battle ever been won except by a bold initiative? I say nothing of professional jealousy: it exists in the army as elsewhere; but it is a bitter thought to me that the recognition denied me by my country⁠—or rather by the Radical cabal in the Cabinet which pursues my family with rancorous class hatred⁠—that this recognition, I say, came to me at the hands of an enemy⁠—of a rank Prussian. The Lady You don’t say so! Augustus How else should I be here instead of starving to death in Ruhleben? Yes, madam: the Colonel of the Pomeranian regiment which captured me, after learning what I had done, and conversing for an hour with me on European politics and military strategy, declared that nothing would induce him to deprive my country of my services, and set me free. I offered, of course, to procure the release in exchange of a German officer of equal quality; but he would not hear of it. He was kind enough to say he could not believe that a German officer answering to that description existed. With emotion. I had my first taste of the ingratitude of my own country as I made my way back to our lines. A shot from our front trench struck me in the head. I still carry the flattened projectile as a trophy. He throws it on the table; the noise it makes testifies to its weight. Had it penetrated to the brain I might never have sat on another Royal Commission. Fortunately we have strong heads, we Highcastles. Nothing has ever penetrated to our brains. The Lady How thrilling! How simple! And how tragic! But you will forgive England? Remember: England! Forgive her. Augustus With gloomy magnanimity. It will make no difference whatever to my services to my country. Though she slay me, yet will I, if not exactly trust in her, at least take my part in her government. I am ever at my country’s call. Whether it be the embassy in a leading European capital, a governor-generalship in the tropics, or my humble mission here to make Little Pifflington do its bit, I am always ready for the sacrifice. Whilst England remains England, wherever there is a public job to be done you will find a Highcastle sticking to it. And now, madam, enough of my tragic personal history. You have called on business. What can I do for you? The Lady You have relatives at the Foreign Office, have you not? Augustus Haughtily. Madam, the Foreign Office is staffed by my relatives exclusively. The Lady Has the Foreign Office warned you that you are being pursued by a female spy who is determined to obtain possession of a certain list of gun emplacements⁠— Augustus Interrupting her somewhat loftily. All that is perfectly well known to this department, madam. The Lady Surprised and rather indignant. Is it? Who told you? Was it one of your German brothers-in-law? Augustus Injured, remonstrating. I have only three German brothers-in-law, madam. Really, from your tone, one would suppose that I had several. Pardon my sensitiveness on that subject; but reports are continually being circulated that I have been shot as a traitor in the courtyard of the Ritz Hotel simply because I have German brothers-in-law. With