Short Plays

enough at present to fill half the posts created by this war. No: Blueloo would not go that far. He is at least a gentleman. But I should be chaffed; and, frankly, I don’t like being chaffed. The Lady Of course not. Who does? It would never do. Oh never, never. Augustus I’m glad you see it in that light. And now, as a measure of security, I shall put that list in my pocket. He begins searching vainly from drawer to drawer in the writing table. Where on earth⁠—? What the dickens did I⁠—? That’s very odd: I⁠—Where the deuce⁠—? I thought I had put it in the⁠—Oh, here it is! No: this is Lucy’s last letter. The Lady Elegiacally. Lucy’s Last Letter! What a title for a picture play! Augustus Delighted. Yes: it is, isn’t it? Lucy appeals to the imagination like no other woman. By the way handing over the letter I wonder could you read it for me? Lucy is a darling girl; but I really can’t read her writing. In London I get the office typist to decipher it and make me a typed copy; but here there is nobody. The Lady Puzzling over it. It is really almost illegible. I think the beginning is meant for “Dearest Gus.” Augustus Eagerly. Yes: that is what she usually calls me. Please go on. The Lady Trying to decipher it. “What a”⁠—“what a”⁠—oh yes: “what a forgetful old”⁠—something⁠—“you are!” I can’t make out the word. Augustus Greatly interested. Is it blighter? That is a favorite expression of hers. The Lady I think so. At all events it begins with a B. Reading. “What a forgetful old”⁠—She is interrupted by a knock at the door. Augustus Impatiently. Come in. The Clerk enters, clean shaven and in khaki, with an official paper and an envelope in his hand. What is this ridiculous mummery, sir? The Clerk Coming to the table and exhibiting his uniform to both. They’ve passed me. The recruiting officer come for me. I’ve had my two and seven. Augustus Rising wrathfully. I shall not permit it. What do they mean by taking my office staff? Good God! they will be taking our hunt servants next. Confronting the Clerk. What did the man mean? What did he say? The Clerk He said that now you was on the job we’d want another million men, and he was going to take the old-age pensioners or anyone he could get. Augustus And did you dare to knock at my door and interrupt my business with this lady to repeat this man’s ineptitudes? The Clerk No. I come because the waiter from the hotel brought this paper. You left it on the coffee room breakfast table this morning. The Lady Intercepting it. It is the list. Good heavens! The Clerk Proffering the envelope. He says he thinks this is the envelope belonging to it. The Lady Snatching the envelope also. Yes! Addressed to you, Lord Augustus! Augustus comes back to the table to look at it. Oh, how imprudent! Everybody would guess its importance with your name on it. Fortunately I have some letters of my own here. Opening her wallet. Why not hide it in one of my envelopes? then no one will dream that the enclosure is of any political value. Taking out a letter, she crosses the room towards the window, whispering to Augustus as she passes him. Get rid of that man. Augustus Haughtily approaching the Clerk, who humorously makes a paralytic attempt to stand at attention. Have you any further business here, pray? The Clerk Am I to give the waiter anything; or will you do it yourself? Augustus Which waiter is it? The English one? The Clerk No: the one that calls hisself a Swiss. Shouldn’t wonder if he’d made a copy of that paper. Augustus Keep your impertinent surmises to yourself, sir. Remember that you are in the army now; and let me have no more of your civilian insubordination. Attention! Left turn! Quick march! The Clerk Stolidly. I dunno what you mean. Augustus Go to the guardroom and report yourself for disobeying orders. Now do you know what I mean? The Clerk Now look here. I ain’t going to argue with you⁠— Augustus Nor I with you. Out with you. He seizes the Clerk: and rushes him through the door. The moment the Lady is left alone, she snatches a sheet of official paper from the stationery rack: folds it so that it resembles the list; compares the two to see that they look exactly alike: whips the list into her wallet: and substitutes the facsimile for it. Then she listens for the return of Augustus. A crash is heard, as of the Clerk falling downstairs. Augustus returns and is about to close the door when the voice of the Clerk is heard from below. The Clerk I’ll have the law of you for this, I will. Augustus Shouting down to him. There’s no more law for you, you scoundrel. You’re a soldier now. He shuts the door and comes to the Lady. Thank heaven, the war has given us the upper hand of these fellows at last. Excuse my violence; but discipline is absolutely necessary in dealing with the lower middle classes. The Lady Serve the insolent creature right! Look! I have found you a beautiful envelope for the list, an unmistakable lady’s envelope. She puts the sham list into her envelope and hands it to him. Augustus Excellent. Really very clever of you. Slyly. Come: would you like to have a peep at the list? Beginning to take the blank paper from the envelope. The Lady On the brink of detection. No no. Oh, please, no. Augustus Why? It won’t bite you. Drawing it out further. The Lady Snatching at his hand. Stop. Remember: if there should be an inquiry, you must be able to swear that you never showed that