Short Plays

list to a mortal soul. Augustus Oh, that is a mere form. If you are really curious⁠— The Lady I am not. I couldn’t bear to look at it. One of my dearest friends was blown to pieces by an aircraft gun; and since then I have never been able to think of one without horror. Augustus You mean it was a real gun, and actually went off. How sad! how sad! He pushes the sham list back into the envelope, and pockets it. The Lady Ah! Great sigh of relief. And now, Lord Augustus, I have taken up too much of your valuable time. Goodbye. Augustus What! Must you go? The Lady You are so busy. Augustus Yes; but not before lunch, you know. I never can do much before lunch. And I’m no good at all in the afternoon. From five to six is my real working time. Must you really go? The Lady I must, really. I have done my business very satisfactorily. Thank you ever so much. She proffers her hand. Augustus Shaking it affectionately as he leads her to the door, but first pressing the bell button with his left hand. Goodbye. Goodbye. So sorry to lose you. Kind of you to come; but there was no real danger. You see, my dear little lady, all this talk about war saving, and secrecy, and keeping the blinds down at night, and so forth, is all very well; but unless it’s carried out with intelligence, believe me, you may waste a pound to save a penny; you may let out all sorts of secrets to the enemy; you may guide the Zeppelins right on to your own chimneys. That’s where the ability of the governing class comes in. Shall the fellow call a taxi for you? The Lady No, thanks: I prefer walking. Goodbye. Again, many, many thanks. She goes out. Augustus returns to the writing table smiling, and takes another look at himself in the mirror. The Clerk returns, with his head bandaged, carrying a poker. The Clerk What did you ring for? Augustus hastily drops the mirror. Don’t you come nigh me or I’ll split your head with this poker, thick as it is. Augustus It does not seem to me an exceptionally thick poker. I rang for you to show the lady out. The Clerk She’s gone. She run out like a rabbit. I ask myself why was she in such a hurry? The Lady’s Voice From the street. Lord Augustus. Lord Augustus. The Clerk She’s calling you. Augustus Running to the window and throwing it up. What is it? Won’t you come up? The Lady Is the clerk there? Augustus Yes. Do you want him? The Lady Yes. Augustus The lady wants you at the window. The Clerk Rushing to the window and putting down the poker. Yes, ma’am? Here I am, ma’am. What is it, ma’am? The Lady I want you to witness that I got clean away into the street. I am coming up now. The two men stare at one another. The Clerk Wants me to witness that she got clean away into the street! Augustus What on earth does she mean? The lady returns. The Lady May I use your telephone? Augustus Certainly. Certainly. Taking the receiver down. What number shall I get you? The Lady The War Office, please. Augustus The War Office!? The Lady If you will be so good. Augustus But⁠—Oh, very well. Into the receiver. Hallo. This is the Town Hall Recruiting Office. Give me Colonel Bogey, sharp. A pause. The Clerk Breaking the painful silence. I don’t think I’m awake. This is a dream of a movie picture, this is. Augustus His ear at the receiver. Shut up, will you? Into the telephone. What?⁠ ⁠… To the Lady. Whom do you want to get on to? The Lady Blueloo. Augustus Into the telephone. Put me through to Lord Hungerford Highcastle⁠ ⁠… I’m his brother, idiot⁠ ⁠… That you, Blueloo? Lady here at Little Pifflington wants to speak to you. Hold the line. To the Lady. Now, madam. He hands her the receiver. The Lady Sitting down in Augustus’s chair to speak into the telephone. Is that Blueloo?⁠ ⁠… Do you recognize my voice?⁠ ⁠… I’ve won our bet.⁠ ⁠… Augustus Your bet! The Lady Into the telephone. Yes: I have the list in my wallet.⁠ ⁠… Augustus Nothing of the kind, madam. I have it here in my pocket. He takes the envelope from his pocket: draws out the paper: and unfolds it. The Lady Continuing. Yes: I got clean into the street with it. I have a witness. I could have got to London with it. Augustus won’t deny it.⁠ ⁠… Augustus Contemplating the blank paper. There’s nothing written on this. Where is the list of guns? The Lady Continuing. Oh, it was quite easy. I said I was my sister-in-law and that I was a Hun. He lapped it up like a kitten.⁠ ⁠… Augustus You don’t mean to say that⁠— The Lady Continuing. I got hold of the list for a moment and changed it for a piece of paper out of his stationery rack: it was quite easy. She laughs; and it is clear that Blueloo is laughing too. Augustus What! The Clerk Laughing slowly and laboriously, with intense enjoyment. Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha! Augustus rushes at him; he snatches up the poker and stands on guard. No you don’t. The Lady Still at the telephone, waving her disengaged hand behind her impatiently at them to stop making a noise. Sh‑sh‑sh‑sh‑sh!!! Augustus, with a shrug, goes up the middle of the room. The Lady resumes her conversation with the telephone. What?⁠ ⁠… Oh yes: I’m coming up by the 12.35: why not have tea with me at Rumpelmeister’s?⁠ ⁠… Rum‑pel‑meister’s. You know: they call it Robinson’s now⁠ ⁠… Right. Ta ta. She hangs up the receiver, and is passing round the table on her way towards the door when she is confronted by Augustus. Augustus Madam, I consider your conduct most unpatriotic. You make bets