Heartbreak House

your daughter, Captain, when I tell you that⁠— Captain Shotover Stuff! Everyone kisses my daughter. Kiss her as much as you like. He makes for the pantry. The Gentleman Thank you. One moment, Captain. The Captain halts and turns. The Gentleman goes to him affably. Do you happen to remember⁠—but probably you don’t, as it occurred many years ago⁠—that your younger daughter married a numskull? Captain Shotover Yes. She said she’d marry anybody to get away from this house. I should not have recognized you: your head is no longer like a walnut. Your aspect is softened. You have been boiled in bread and milk for years and years, like other married men. Poor devil! He disappears into the pantry. Mrs. Hushabye Going past Mangan to the Gentleman and scrutinizing him. I don’t believe you are Hastings Utterword. The Gentleman I am not. Mrs. Hushabye Then what business had you to kiss me? The Gentleman I thought I would like to. The fact is, I am Randall Utterword, the unworthy younger brother of Hastings. I was abroad diplomatizing when he was married. Lady Utterword Dashing in. Hesione, where is the key of the wardrobe in my room? My diamonds are in my dressing-bag: I must lock it up⁠—recognizing the stranger with a shock Randall, how dare you? She marches at him past Mrs. Hushabye, who retreats and joins Mangan near the sofa. Randall How dare I what? I am not doing anything. Lady Utterword Who told you I was here? Randall Hastings. You had just left when I called on you at Claridge’s; so I followed you down here. You are looking extremely well. Lady Utterword Don’t presume to tell me so. Mrs. Hushabye What is wrong with Mr. Randall, Addy? Lady Utterword Recollecting herself. Oh, nothing. But he has no right to come bothering you and Papa without being invited. She goes to the window-seat and sits down, turning away from them ill-humoredly and looking into the garden, where Hector and Ellie are now seen strolling together. Mrs. Hushabye I think you have not met Mr. Mangan, Addy. Lady Utterword Turning her head and nodding coldly to Mangan. I beg your pardon. Randall, you have flustered me so: I make a perfect fool of myself. Mrs. Hushabye Lady Utterword. My sister. My younger sister. Mangan Bowing. Pleased to meet you, Lady Utterword. Lady Utterword With marked interest. Who is that gentleman walking in the garden with Miss Dunn? Mrs. Hushabye I don’t know. She quarrelled mortally with my husband only ten minutes ago; and I didn’t know anyone else had come. It must be a visitor. She goes to the window to look. Oh, it is Hector. They’ve made it up. Lady Utterword Your husband! That handsome man? Mrs. Hushabye Well, why shouldn’t my husband be a handsome man? Randall Joining them at the window. One’s husband never is, Ariadne. He sits by Lady Utterword, on her right. Mrs. Hushabye One’s sister’s husband always is, Mr. Randall. Lady Utterword Don’t be vulgar, Randall. And you, Hesione, are just as bad. Ellie and Hector come in from the garden by the starboard door. Randall rises. Ellie retires into the corner near the pantry. Hector comes forward; and Lady Utterword rises looking her very best. Mrs. Hushabye Hector, this is Addy. Hector Apparently surprised. Not this lady. Lady Utterword Smiling. Why not? Hector Looking at her with a piercing glance of deep but respectful admiration, his moustache bristling. I thought⁠—pulling himself together. I beg your pardon, Lady Utterword. I am extremely glad to welcome you at last under our roof. He offers his hand with grave courtesy. Mrs. Hushabye She wants to be kissed, Hector. Lady Utterword Hesione! But she still smiles. Mrs. Hushabye Call her Addy; and kiss her like a good brother-in-law; and have done with it. She leaves them to themselves. Hector Behave yourself, Hesione. Lady Utterword is entitled not only to hospitality but to civilization. Lady Utterword Gratefully. Thank you, Hector. They shake hands cordially. Mazzini Dunn is seen crossing the garden from starboard to port. Captain Shotover Coming from the pantry and addressing Ellie. Your father has washed himself. Ellie Quite self-possessed. He often does, Captain Shotover. Captain Shotover A strange conversion! I saw him through the pantry window. Mazzini Dunn enters through the port window door, newly washed and brushed, and stops, smiling benevolently, between Mangan and Mrs. Hushabye. Mrs. Hushabye Introducing. Mr. Mazzini Dunn, Lady Ut⁠—oh, I forgot: you’ve met. Indicating Ellie. Miss Dunn. Mazzini Walking across the room to take Ellie’s hand, and beaming at his own naughty irony. I have met Miss Dunn also. She is my daughter. He draws her arm through his caressingly. Mrs. Hushabye Of course: how stupid! Mr. Utterword, my sister’s⁠—er⁠— Randall Shaking hands agreeably. Her brother-in-law, Mr. Dunn. How do you do? Mrs. Hushabye This is my husband. Hector We have met, dear. Don’t introduce us any more. He moves away to the big chair, and adds: Won’t you sit down, Lady Utterword? She does so very graciously. Mrs. Hushabye Sorry. I hate it: it’s like making people show their tickets. Mazzini Sententiously. How little it tells us, after all! The great question is, not who we are, but what we are. Captain Shotover Ha! What are you? Mazzini Taken aback. What am I? Captain Shotover A thief, a pirate, and a murderer. Mazzini I assure you you are mistaken. Captain Shotover An adventurous life; but what does it end in? Respectability. A ladylike daughter. The language and appearance of a city missionary. Let it be a warning to all of you. He goes out through the garden. Dunn I hope nobody here believes that I am a thief, a pirate, or a murderer. Mrs. Hushabye, will you excuse me a moment? I must really go and explain. He follows the Captain. Mrs. Hushabye As he goes. It’s no use. You’d really better⁠—but Dunn has