Heartbreak House

vanished. We had better all go out and look for some tea. We never have regular tea; but you can always get some when you want: the servants keep it stewing all day. The kitchen veranda is the best place to ask. May I show you? She goes to the starboard door. Randall Going with her. Thank you, I don’t think I’ll take any tea this afternoon. But if you will show me the garden⁠— Mrs. Hushabye There’s nothing to see in the garden except Papa’s observatory, and a gravel pit with a cave where he keeps dynamite and things of that sort. However, it’s pleasanter out of doors; so come along. Randall Dynamite! Isn’t that rather risky? Mrs. Hushabye Well, we don’t sit in the gravel pit when there’s a thunderstorm. Lady Utterorrd That’s something new. What is the dynamite for? Hector To blow up the human race if it goes too far. He is trying to discover a psychic ray that will explode all the explosives at the will of a Mahatma. Ellie The Captain’s tea is delicious, Mr. Utterword. Mrs. Hushabye Stopping in the doorway. Do you mean to say that you’ve had some of my father’s tea? that you got round him before you were ten minutes in the house? Ellie I did. Mrs. Hushabye You little devil! She goes out with Randall. Mangan Won’t you come, Miss Ellie? Ellie I’m too tired. I’ll take a book up to my room and rest a little. She goes to the bookshelf. Mangan Right. You can’t do better. But I’m disappointed. He follows Randall and Mrs. Hushabye. Ellie, Hector, and Lady Utterword are left. Hector is close to Lady Utterword. They look at Ellie, waiting for her to go. Ellie Looking at the title of a book. Do you like stories of adventure, Lady Utterword? Lady Utterword Patronizingly. Of course, dear. Ellie Then I’ll leave you to Mr. Hushabye. She goes out through the hall. Hector That girl is mad about tales of adventure. The lies I have to tell her! Lady Utterword Not interested in Ellie. When you saw me what did you mean by saying that you thought, and then stopping short? What did you think? Hector Folding his arms and looking down at her magnetically. May I tell you? Lady Utterword Of course. Hector It will not sound very civil. I was on the point of saying, “I thought you were a plain woman.” Lady Utterword Oh, for shame, Hector! What right had you to notice whether I am plain or not? Hector Listen to me, Ariadne. Until today I have seen only photographs of you; and no photograph can give the strange fascination of the daughters of that supernatural old man. There is some damnable quality in them that destroys men’s moral sense, and carries them beyond honor and dishonor. You know that, don’t you? Lady Utterword Perhaps I do, Hector. But let me warn you once for all that I am a rigidly conventional woman. You may think because I’m a Shotover that I’m a Bohemian, because we are all so horribly Bohemian. But I’m not. I hate and loathe Bohemianism. No child brought up in a strict Puritan household ever suffered from Puritanism as I suffered from our Bohemianism. Hector Our children are like that. They spend their holidays in the houses of their respectable schoolfellows. Lady Utterword I shall invite them for Christmas. Hector Their absence leaves us both without our natural chaperones. Lady Utterword Children are certainly very inconvenient sometimes. But intelligent people can always manage, unless they are Bohemians. Hector You are no Bohemian; but you are no Puritan either: your attraction is alive and powerful. What sort of woman do you count yourself? Lady Utterword I am a woman of the world, Hector; and I can assure you that if you will only take the trouble always to do the perfectly correct thing, and to say the perfectly correct thing, you can do just what you like. An ill-conducted, careless woman gets simply no chance. An ill-conducted, careless man is never allowed within arm’s length of any woman worth knowing. Hector I see. You are neither a Bohemian woman nor a Puritan woman. You are a dangerous woman. Lady Utterword On the contrary, I am a safe woman. Hector You are a most accursedly attractive woman. Mind, I am not making love to you. I do not like being attracted. But you had better know how I feel if you are going to stay here. Lady Utterword You are an exceedingly clever lady-killer, Hector. And terribly handsome. I am quite a good player, myself, at that game. Is it quite understood that we are only playing? Hector Quite. I am deliberately playing the fool, out of sheer worthlessness. Lady Utterword Rising brightly. Well, you are my brother-in-law, Hesione asked you to kiss me. He seizes her in his arms and kisses her strenuously. Oh! that was a little more than play, brother-in-law. She pushes him suddenly away. You shall not do that again. Hector In effect, you got your claws deeper into me than I intended. Mrs. Hubhabye Coming in from the garden. Don’t let me disturb you; I only want a cap to put on daddiest. The sun is setting; and he’ll catch cold. She makes for the door leading to the hall. Lady Utterword Your husband is quite charming, darling. He has actually condescended to kiss me at last. I shall go into the garden: it’s cooler now. She goes out by the port door. Mrs. Hushabye Take care, dear child. I don’t believe any man can kiss Addy without falling in love with her. She goes into the hall. Hector Striking himself on the chest. Fool! Goat! Mrs. Hushabye comes back with the Captain’s cap. Hector Your sister is an extremely enterprising old girl. Where’s Miss Dunn! Mrs. Hushabye Mangan says she has gone up to her room for a nap. Addy won’t let you talk to Ellie: she has marked you for her own. Hector She has