Troilus and Cressida

counterfeit, thou wouldst not have slipped out of my contemplation: but it is no matter; thyself upon thyself! The common curse of mankind, folly and ignorance, be thine in great revenue! heaven bless thee from a tutor, and discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy direction till thy death! then if she that lays thee out says thou art a fair corse, I’ll be sworn and sworn upon’t she never shrouded any but lazars. Amen. Where’s Achilles? Patroclus What, art thou devout? wast thou in prayer? Thersites Ay: the heavens hear me! Enter Achilles. Achilles Who’s there? Patroclus Thersites, my lord. Achilles Where, where? Art thou come? why, my cheese, my digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to my table so many meals? Come, what’s Agamemnon? Thersites Thy commander, Achilles. Then tell me, Patroclus, what’s Achilles? Patroclus Thy lord, Thersites: then tell me, I pray thee, what’s thyself? Thersites Thy knower, Patroclus: then tell me, Patroclus, what art thou? Patroclus Thou mayst tell that knowest. Achilles O, tell, tell. Thersites I’ll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands Achilles; Achilles is my lord; I am Patroclus’ knower, and Patroclus is a fool. Patroclus You rascal! Thersites Peace, fool! I have not done. Achilles He is a privileged man. Proceed, Thersites. Thersites Agamemnon is a fool; Achilles is a fool; Thersites is a fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool. Achilles Derive this; come. Thersites Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles; Achilles is a fool to be commanded of Agamemnon; Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool, and Patroclus is a fool positive. Patroclus Why am I a fool? Thersites Make that demand of the prover. It suffices me thou art. Look you, who comes here? Achilles Patroclus, I’ll speak with nobody. Come in with me, Thersites. Exit. Thersites Here is such patchery, such juggling and such knavery! all the argument is a cuckold and a whore; a good quarrel to draw emulous factions and bleed to death upon. Now, the dry serpigo on the subject! and war and lechery confound all! Exit. Enter Agamemnon, Ulysses, Nestor, Diomedes, and Ajax. Agamemnon Where is Achilles? Patroclus Within his tent; but ill disposed, my lord. Agamemnon

Let it be known to him that we are here.
He shent our messengers; and we lay by
Our appertainments, visiting of him:
Let him be told so; lest perchance he think
We dare not move the question of our place,
Or know not what we are.

Patroclus I shall say so to him. Exit. Ulysses

We saw him at the opening of his tent:
He is not sick.

Ajax Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart: you may call it melancholy, if you will favour the man; but, by my head, ’tis pride: but why, why? let him show us the cause. A word, my lord. Takes Agamemnon aside. Nestor What moves Ajax thus to bay at him? Ulysses Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him. Nestor Who, Thersites? Ulysses He. Nestor Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument. Ulysses No, you see, he is his argument that has his argument, Achilles. Nestor All the better; their fraction is more our wish than their faction: but it was a strong composure a fool could disunite. Ulysses The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie. Here comes Patroclus. Re-enter Patroclus. Nestor No Achilles with him. Ulysses The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy: his legs are legs for necessity, not for flexure. Patroclus

Achilles bids me say, he is much sorry,
If any thing more than your sport and pleasure
Did move your greatness and this noble state
To call upon him; he hopes it is no other
But for your health and your digestion sake,
And after-dinner’s breath.

Agamemnon

Hear you, Patroclus:
We are too well acquainted with these answers:
But his evasion, wing’d thus swift with scorn,
Cannot outfly our apprehensions.
Much attribute he hath, and much the reason
Why we ascribe it to him; yet all his virtues,
Not virtuously on his own part beheld,
Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss,
Yea, like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish,
Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him,
We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin,
If you do say we think him over-proud
And under-honest, in self-assumption greater
Than in the note of judgment; and worthier than himself
Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,
Disguise the holy strength of their command,
And underwrite in an observing kind
His humorous predominance; yea, watch
His pettish lunes, his ebbs, his flows, as if
The passage and whole carriage of this action
Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add,
That if he overhold his price so much,
We’ll none of him; but let him, like an engine
Not portable, lie under this report:
“Bring action hither, this cannot go to war:
A stirring dwarf we do allowance give
Before a sleeping giant.” Tell him so.

Patroclus I shall; and bring his answer presently. Exit. Agamemnon

In second voice we’ll not be satisfied;
We come to speak with him. Ulysses, enter you. Exit Ulysses.

Ajax What is he more than another? Agamemnon No more than what he thinks he is. Ajax Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better man than I am? Agamemnon No question. Ajax Will you subscribe his thought, and say he is? Agamemnon No, noble Ajax; you are as strong, as valiant, as wise, no less noble, much more gentle, and altogether more tractable. Ajax Why should a man be proud? How doth pride grow? I know not what pride is. Agamemnon Your mind is the clearer, Ajax, and your virtues the fairer. He that is proud eats up himself: pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle; and whatever praises itself but in the deed, devours the deed in the praise. Ajax I do hate a proud man, as I hate the engendering of toads. Nestor Yet he loves himself: is’t not strange? Aside. Re-enter Ulysses. Ulysses Achilles will not to the field to-morrow. Agamemnon What’s his excuse? Ulysses

He doth rely on none,
But carries on the stream of his dispose
Without observance or respect of any,
In will peculiar and in self-admission.

Agamemnon

Why will he not