Troilus and Cressida

imputation shall be oddly poised
In this wild action; for the success,
Although particular, shall give a scantling
Of good or bad unto the general;
And in such indexes, although small pricks
To their subsequent volumes, there is seen
The baby figure of the giant mass
Of things to come at large. It is supposed
He that meets Hector issues from our choice;
And choice, being mutual act of all our souls,
Makes merit her election, and doth boil,
As ’twere from forth us all, a man distill’d
Out of our virtues; who miscarrying,
What heart receives from hence the conquering part,
To steel a strong opinion to themselves?
Which entertain’d, limbs are his instruments,
In no less working than are swords and bows
Directive by the limbs. Ulysses

Give pardon to my speech:
Therefore ’tis meet Achilles meet not Hector.
Let us, like merchants, show our foulest wares,
And think, perchance, they’ll sell; if not,
The lustre of the better yet to show,
Shall show the better. Do not consent
That ever Hector and Achilles meet;
For both our honour and our shame in this
Are dogg’d with two strange followers.

Nestor I see them not with my old eyes: what are they? Ulysses

What glory our Achilles shares from Hector,
Were he not proud, we all should share with him:
But he already is too insolent;
And we were better parch in Afric sun
Than in the pride and salt scorn of his eyes,
Should he ’scape Hector fair: if he were foil’d,
Why then, we did our main opinion crush
In taint of our best man. No, make a lottery;
And, by device, let blockish Ajax draw
The sort to fight with Hector: among ourselves
Give him allowance for the better man;
For that will physic the great Myrmidon
Who broils in loud applause, and make him fall
His crest that prouder than blue Iris bends.
If the dull brainless Ajax come safe off,
We’ll dress him up in voices: if he fail,
Yet go we under our opinion still
That we have better men. But, hit or miss,
Our project’s life this shape of sense assumes:
Ajax employ’d plucks down Achilles’ plumes.

Nestor

Ulysses,
Now I begin to relish thy advice;
And I will give a taste of it forthwith
To Agamemnon: go we to him straight.
Two curs shall tame each other: pride alone
Must tarre the mastiffs on, as ’twere their bone. Exeunt.

Act II

Scene I

A part of the Grecian camp.

	Enter Ajax and Thersites.
Ajax	Thersites!
Thersites	Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over, generally?
Ajax	Thersites!
Thersites	And those boils did run? say so: did not the general run then? were not that a botchy core?
Ajax	Dog!
Thersites	Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
Ajax	Thou bitch-wolf’s son, canst thou not hear? Beating him. Feel, then.
Thersites	The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrel beef-witted lord!
Ajax	Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I will beat thee into handsomeness.
Thersites	I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but, I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike, canst thou? a red murrain o’ thy jade’s tricks!
Ajax	Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
Thersites	Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
Ajax	The proclamation!
Thersites	Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
Ajax	Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.
Thersites	I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.
Ajax	I say, the proclamation!
Thersites	Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles, and thou art as full of envy at his greatness as Cerberus is at Proserpine’s beauty, ay, that thou barkest at him.
Ajax	Mistress Thersites!
Thersites	Thou shouldest strike him.
Ajax	Cobloaf!
Thersites	He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as a sailor breaks a biscuit.
Ajax	Beating him. You whoreson cur!
Thersites	Do, do.
Ajax	Thou stool for a witch!
Thersites	Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!
Ajax	You dog!
Thersites	You scurvy lord!
Ajax	Beating him. You cur!
Thersites	Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
	Enter Achilles and Patroclus.
Achilles	Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now, Thersites! what’s the matter, man?
Thersites	You see him there, do you?
Achilles	Ay; what’s the matter?
Thersites	Nay, look upon him.
Achilles	So I do: what’s the matter?
Thersites	Nay, but regard him well.
Achilles	“Well!” why, I do so.
Thersites	But yet you look not well upon him; for, whosoever you take him to be, he is Ajax.
Achilles	I know that, fool.
Thersites	Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
Ajax	Therefore I beat thee.
Thersites	Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his guts in his head, I’ll tell you what I say of him.
Achilles	What?
Thersites	I say, this Ajax⁠—Ajax offers to beat him.
Achilles	Nay, good Ajax.
Thersites	Has not so much wit⁠—
Achilles	Nay, I must hold you.
Thersites	As will stop the eye of Helen’s needle, for whom he comes to fight.
Achilles	Peace, fool!
Thersites	I would have peace and quietness, but the fool will not: he there: that he: look you there.
Ajax	O thou damned cur! I shall⁠—
Achilles	Will you set your wit to a fool’s?
Thersites	No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.
Patroclus	Good words, Thersites.
Achilles	What’s the quarrel?
Ajax	I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenour of the proclamation, and he rails upon me.
Thersites	I serve thee not.
Ajax	Well, go