She Stoops to Conquer

to talk of so much as London, and the fashions, though I was never there myself. Hastings Never there! You amaze me! From your air and manner, I concluded you had been bred all your life either at Ranelagh, St. James’s, or Tower Wharf. Mrs. Hardcastle Oh, sir, you’re only pleased to say so. We country persons can have no manner at all. I’m in love with the town, and that serves to raise me above some of our neighbouring rustics; but who can have a manner, that has never seen the Pantheon, the Grotto Gardens, the Borough, and such places where the nobility chiefly resort? All I can do is to enjoy London at secondhand. I take care to know every tête-à-tête from the Scandalous Magazine, and have all the fashions, as they come out, in a letter from the two Miss Rickets of Crooked Lane. Pray, how do you like this head, Mr. Hastings? Hastings Extremely elegant and dégagé, upon my word, madam. Your friseur is a Frenchman, I suppose? Mrs. Hardcastle I protest, I dressed it myself from a print in the Ladies’ Memorandum Book for the last year. Hastings Indeed! Such a head in a side box at the playhouse would draw as many gazers as my Lady Mayoress at a city ball. Mrs. Hardcastle I vow, since inoculation began, there is no such thing to be seen as a plain woman; so one must dress a little particular, or one may escape in the crowd. Hastings But that can never be your case, madam, in any dress. Bowing. Mrs. Hardcastle Yet, what signifies my dressing when I have such a piece of antiquity by my side as Mr. Hardcastle: all I can say will never argue down a single button from his clothes. I have often wanted him to throw off his great flaxen wig, and where he was bald, to plaster it over, like my Lord Pately, with powder. Hastings You are right, madam; for, as among the ladies there are none ugly, so among the men there are none old. Mrs. Hardcastle But what do you think his answer was? Why, with his usual Gothic vivacity, he said I only wanted him to throw off his wig, to convert it into a tête for my own wearing. Hastings Intolerable! At your age you may wear what you please, and it must become you. Mrs. Hardcastle Pray, Mr. Hastings, what do you take to be the most fashionable age about town? Hastings Some time ago, forty was all the mode; but I’m told the ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter. Mrs. Hardcastle Seriously. Then I shall be too young for the fashion. Hastings No lady begins now to put on jewels till she’s past forty. For instance, Miss there, in a polite circle, would be considered as a child, as a mere maker of samplers. Mrs. Hardcastle And yet Mistress Niece thinks herself as much a woman, and is as fond of jewels, as the oldest of us all. Hastings Your niece, is she? And that young gentleman, a brother of yours, I should presume? Mrs. Hardcastle My son, sir. They are contracted to each other. Observe their little sports. They fall in and out ten times a day, as if they were man and wife already. To them. Well, Tony, child, what soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening? Tony I have been saying no soft things; but that it’s very hard to be followed about so. Ecod! I’ve not a place in the house now that’s left to myself, but the stable. Mrs. Hardcastle Never mind him, Con, my dear. He’s in another story behind your back. Miss Neville There’s something generous in my cousin’s manner. He falls out before faces to be forgiven in private. Tony That’s a damned confounded⁠—crack. Mrs. Hardcastle Ah! he’s a sly one. Don’t you think they are like each other about the mouth, Mr. Hastings? The Blenkinsop mouth to a T. They’re of a size too. Back to back, my pretties, that Mr. Hastings may see you. Come, Tony. Tony You had as good not make me, I tell you. Measuring. Miss Neville O lud! he has almost cracked my head. Mrs. Hardcastle O, the monster! For shame, Tony. You a man, and behave so! Tony If I’m a man, let me have my fortin. Ecod! I’ll not be made a fool of no longer. Mrs. Hardcastle Is this, ungrateful boy, all that I’m to get for the pains I have taken in your education? I that have rocked you in your cradle, and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon! Did not I work that waistcoat to make you genteel? Did not I prescribe for you every day, and weep while the receipt was operating? Tony Ecod! you had reason to weep, for you have been dosing me ever since I was born. I have gone through every receipt in the Complete Huswife ten times over; and you have thoughts of coursing me through Quincy next spring. But, ecod! I tell you, I’ll not be made a fool of no longer. Mrs. Hardcastle Wasn’t it all for your good, viper? Wasn’t it all for your good? Tony I wish you’d let me and my good alone, then. Snubbing this way when I’m in spirits. If I’m to have any good, let it come of itself; not to keep dinging it, dinging it into one so. Mrs. Hardcastle That’s false; I never see you when you’re in spirits. No, Tony, you then go to the alehouse or kennel. I’m never to be delighted with your agreeable wild notes, unfeeling monster! Tony Ecod! mamma, your own notes are the wildest of the two. Mrs. Hardcastle Was ever the like? But I see he wants to break my heart, I see he does. Hastings Dear madam, permit me to lecture the young gentleman a little. I’m certain I can persuade him to his duty. Mrs. Hardcastle Well, I must retire. Come, Constance, my love. You see, Mr. Hastings, the wretchedness of my situation. Was ever poor woman so plagued with a dear