She Stoops to Conquer

sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy? Exeunt Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss Neville. Tony Singing. “There was a young man riding by, and fain would have his will. Rang do didlo dee.”⁠—Don’t mind her. Let her cry. It’s the comfort of her heart. I have seen her and sister cry over a book for an hour together; and they said they liked the book the better the more it made them cry. Hastings Then you’re no friend to the ladies, I find, my pretty young gentleman? Tony That’s as I find ’um. Hastings Not to her of your mother’s choosing, I dare answer? And yet she appears to me a pretty well-tempered girl. Tony That’s because you don’t know her as well as I. Ecod! I know every inch about her; and there’s not a more bitter cantankerous toad in all Christendom. Hastings Aside. Pretty encouragement this for a lover! Tony I have seen her since the height of that. She has as many tricks as a hare in a thicket, or a colt the first day’s breaking. Hastings To me she appears sensible and silent. Tony Ay, before company. But when she’s with her playmate, she’s as loud as a hog in a gate. Hastings But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me. Tony Yes, but curb her never so little, she kicks up, and you’re flung in a ditch. Hastings Well, but you must allow her a little beauty.⁠—Yes, you must allow her some beauty. Tony Bandbox! She’s all a made-up thing, mun. Ah! could you but see Bet Bouncer of these parts, you might then talk of beauty. Ecod, she has two eyes as black as sloes, and cheeks as broad and red as a pulpit cushion. She’d make two of she. Hastings Well, what say you to a friend that would take this bitter bargain off your hands? Tony Anon! Hastings Would you thank him that would take Miss Neville, and leave you to happiness and your dear Betsy? Tony Ay; but where is there such a friend, for who would take her? Hastings I am he. If you but assist me, I’ll engage to whip her off to France, and you shall never hear more of her. Tony Assist you! Ecod I will, to the last drop of my blood. I’ll clap a pair of horses to your chaise that shall trundle you off in a twinkling, and may he get you a part of her fortin beside, in jewels, that you little dream of. Hastings My dear Squire, this looks like a lad of spirit. Tony Come along then and you shall see more of my spirit before you have done with me. Singing.

We are the boys
That fears no noise
Where the thundering cannons roar.

Exeunt.

Act III

Scene. The house.

	Enter Hardcastle.
Hardcastle	What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending his son as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most impudent piece of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of the easy chair by the fireside already. He took off his boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I’m desirous to know how his impudence affects my daughter. She will certainly be shocked at it.
	Enter Miss Hardcastle, plainly dressed.
Hardcastle	Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as I bade you; and yet, I believe, there was no great occasion.
Miss Hardcastle	I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your commands, that I take care to observe them without ever debating their propriety.
Hardcastle	And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, particularly when I recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover today.
Miss Hardcastle	You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and I find the original exceeds the description.
Hardcastle	I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite confounded all my faculties!
Miss Hardcastle	I never saw anything like it: and a man of the world too!
Hardcastle	Ay, he learned it all abroad⁠—what a fool was I, to think a young man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn wit at a masquerade.
Miss Hardcastle	It seems all natural to him.
Hardcastle	A good deal assisted by bad company and a French dancing-master.
Miss Hardcastle	Sure you mistake, papa. A French dancing master could never have taught him that timid look⁠—that awkward address⁠—that bashful manner.
Hardcastle	Whose look? whose manner, child?
Miss Hardcastle	Mr. Marlow’s: his mauvaise honte, his timidity, struck me at the first sight.
Hardcastle	Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of the most brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses.
Miss Hardcastle	Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw anyone so modest.
Hardcastle	And can you be serious? I never saw such a bouncing, swaggering puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him.
Miss Hardcastle	Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, a stammering voice, and a look fixed on the ground.
Hardcastle	He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze again.
Miss Hardcastle	He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured the manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never laughed; tired me with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room with a bow, and “Madam, I would not for the world detain you.”
Hardcastle	He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before; asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my best remarks with some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good hand at making punch. Yes, Kate, he asked your father if he was a maker of punch!
Miss Hardcastle	One of us must certainly be mistaken.
Hardcastle	If he be what he has shown himself, I’m determined he shall never have my consent.
Miss Hardcastle	And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall never