She Stoops to Conquer

turning him out this very hour. Miss Hardcastle Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you. Hardcastle Well, an hour let it be then. But I’ll have no trifling with your father. All fair and open, do you mind me. Miss Hardcastle I hope, sir, you have ever found that I considered your commands as my pride; for your kindness is such, that my duty as yet has been inclination. Exeunt.

Act IV

Scene. The house.

	Enter Hastings and Miss Neville.
Hastings	You surprise me! Sir Charles Marlow expected here this night! Where have you had your information?
Miss Neville	You may depend upon it. I just saw his letter to Mr. Hardcastle, in which he tells him he intends setting out a few hours after his son.
Hastings	Then, my Constance, all must be completed before he arrives. He knows me; and should he find me here, would discover my name, and perhaps my designs, to the rest of the family.
Miss Neville	The jewels, I hope, are safe?
Hastings	Yes, yes, I have sent them to Marlow, who keeps the keys of our baggage. In the meantime, I’ll go to prepare matters for our elopement. I have had the Squire’s promise of a fresh pair of horses; and if I should not see him again, will write him further directions.
	Exit.
Miss Neville	Well! success attend you. In the meantime I’ll go and amuse my aunt with the old pretence of a violent passion for my cousin.
	Exit.
	Enter Marlow, followed by a Servant.
Marlow	I wonder what Hastings could mean by sending me so valuable a thing as a casket to keep for him, when he knows the only place I have is the seat of a post coach at an inn door. Have you deposited the casket with the landlady, as I ordered you? Have you put it into her own hands?
Servant	Yes, your honour.
Marlow	She said she’d keep it safe, did she?
Servant	Yes, she said she’d keep it safe enough; she asked me how I came by it; and she said she had a great mind to make me give an account of myself.
	Exit Servant.
Marlow	Ha! ha! ha! They’re safe, however. What an unaccountable set of beings have we got amongst! This little barmaid though runs in my head most strangely, and drives out the absurdities of all the rest of the family. She’s mine, she must be mine, or I’m greatly mistaken.
	Enter Hastings.
Hastings	Bless me! I quite forgot to tell her that I intended to prepare at the bottom of the garden. Marlow here, and in spirits too!
Marlow	Give me joy, George! Crown me, shadow me with laurels! Well, George, after all, we modest fellows don’t want for success among the women.
Hastings	Some women, you mean. But what success has your honour’s modesty been crowned with now, that it grows so insolent upon us?
Marlow	Didn’t you see the tempting, brisk, lovely little thing, that runs about the house with a bunch of keys to its girdle?
Hastings	Well, and what then?
Marlow	She’s mine, you rogue, you. Such fire, such motion, such eyes, such lips⁠—but, egad! she would not let me kiss them though.
Hastings	But are you so sure, so very sure of her?
Marlow	Why, man, she talked of showing me her work above stairs, and I am to improve the pattern.
Hastings	But how can you, Charles, go about to rob a woman of her honour?
Marlow	Pshaw! pshaw! We all know the honour of the barmaid of an inn. I don’t intend to rob her, take my word for it; there’s nothing in this house I shan’t honestly pay for.
Hastings	I believe the girl has virtue.
Marlow	And if she has, I should be the last man in the world that would attempt to corrupt it.
Hastings	You have taken care, I hope, of the casket I sent you to lock up? Is it in safety?
Marlow	Yes, yes. It’s safe enough. I have taken care of it. But how could you think the seat of a post coach at an inn door a place of safety? Ah! numskull! I have taken better precautions for you than you did for yourself⁠—I have⁠—
Hastings	What?
Marlow	I have sent it to the landlady to keep for you.
Hastings	To the landlady!
Marlow	The landlady.
Hastings	You did?
Marlow	I did. She’s to be answerable for its forthcoming, you know.
Hastings	Yes, she’ll bring it forth with a witness.
Marlow	Wasn’t I right? I believe you’ll allow that I acted prudently upon this occasion.
Hastings	Aside. He must not see my uneasiness.
Marlow	You seem a little disconcerted though, methinks. Sure nothing has happened?
Hastings	No, nothing. Never was in better spirits in all my life. And so you left it with the landlady, who, no doubt, very readily undertook the charge.
Marlow	Rather too readily. For she not only kept the casket, but, through her great precaution, was going to keep the messenger too. Ha! ha! ha!
Hastings	He! he! he! They’re safe, however.
Marlow	As a guinea in a miser’s purse.
Hastings	Aside. So now all hopes of fortune are at an end, and we must set off without it. To him. Well, Charles, I’ll leave you to your meditations on the pretty barmaid, and, he! he! he! may you be as successful for yourself as you have been for me!
	Exit.
Marlow	Thank ye, George: I ask no more. Ha! ha! ha!
	Enter Hardcastle.
Hardcastle	I no longer know my own house. It’s turned all topsy-turvy. His servants have got drunk already. I’ll bear it no longer; and yet, from my respect for his father, I’ll be calm. To him. Mr. Marlow, your servant. I’m your very humble servant. Bowing low.
Marlow	Sir, your humble servant. Aside. What’s to be the wonder now?
Hardcastle	I believe, sir, you must be sensible, sir, that no man alive ought to be more welcome than your father’s son, sir. I hope you think so?
Marlow	I do from my soul, sir. I don’t want much entreaty. I generally