She Stoops to Conquer

make my father’s son welcome wherever he goes. Hardcastle I believe you do, from my soul, sir. But though I say nothing to your own conduct, that of your servants is insufferable. Their manner of drinking is setting a very bad example in this house, I assure you. Marlow I protest, my very good sir, that is no fault of mine. If they don’t drink as they ought, they are to blame. I ordered them not to spare the cellar; I did, I assure you. To the side scene. Here, let one of my servants come up. To him. My positive directions were, that as I did not drink myself, they should make up for my deficiencies below. Hardcastle Then they had your orders for what they do? I’m satisfied! Marlow They had, I assure you. You shall hear from one of themselves. Enter Servant, drunk. Marlow You, Jeremy! Come forward, sirrah! What were my orders? Were you not told to drink freely, and call for what you thought fit, for the good of the house? Hardcastle Aside. I begin to lose my patience. Jeremy Please your honour, liberty and Fleet Street forever! Though I’m but a servant, I’m as good as another man. I’ll drink for no man before supper, sir, damme! Good liquor will sit upon a good supper, but a good supper will not sit upon⁠—hiccup⁠—upon my conscience, sir. Marlow You see, my old friend, the fellow is as drunk as he can possibly be. I don’t know what you’d have more, unless you’d have the poor devil soused in a beer barrel. Hardcastle Zounds! he’ll drive me distracted, if I contain myself any longer. Mr. Marlow, Sir; I have submitted to your insolence for more than four hours, and I see no likelihood of its coming to an end. I’m now resolved to be master here, sir, and I desire that you and your drunken pack may leave my house directly. Marlow Leave your house!⁠—Sure you jest, my good friend? What? when I’m doing what I can to please you. Hardcastle I tell you, sir, you don’t please me; so I desire you’ll leave my house. Marlow Sure you cannot be serious? At this time of night, and such a night? You only mean to banter me. Hardcastle I tell you, sir, I’m serious! and now that my passions are roused, I say this house is mine, sir; this house is mine, and I command you to leave it directly. Marlow Ha! ha! ha! A puddle in a storm. I shan’t stir a step, I assure you. In a serious tone. This your house, fellow! It’s my house. This is my house. Mine, while I choose to stay. What right have you to bid me leave this house, sir? I never met with such impudence, curse me; never in my whole life before. Hardcastle Nor I, confound me if ever I did! To come to my house, to call for what he likes, to turn me out of my own chair, to insult the family, to order his servants to get drunk, and then to tell me, “This house is mine, sir.” By all that’s impudent, it makes me laugh. Ha! ha! ha! Pray, sir, Bantering. as you take the house, what think you of taking the rest of the furniture? There’s a pair of silver candlesticks, and there’s a fire screen, and here’s a pair of brazen-nosed bellows; perhaps you may take a fancy to them? Marlow Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill, and let’s make no more words about it. Hardcastle There are a set of prints, too. What think you of the Rake’s Progress, for your own apartment? Marlow Bring me your bill, I say; and I’ll leave you and your infernal house directly. Hardcastle Then there’s a mahogany table that you may see your own face in. Marlow My bill, I say. Hardcastle I had forgot the great chair for your own particular slumbers, after a hearty meal. Marlow Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let’s hear no more on’t. Hardcastle Young man, young man, from your father’s letter to me, I was taught to expect a well-bred, modest man as a visitor here, but now I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; but he will be down here presently, and shall hear more of it. Exit. Marlow How’s this? Sure I have not mistaken the house. Everything looks like an inn. The servants cry, coming; the attendance is awkward; the barmaid, too, to attend us. But she’s here, and will further inform me. Whither so fast, child? A word with you. Enter Miss Hardcastle. Miss Hardcastle Let it be short, then. I’m in a hurry. Aside. I believe he begins to find out his mistake. But it’s too soon quite to undeceive him. Marlow Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what may your business in this house be? Miss Hardcastle A relation of the family, sir. Marlow What, a poor relation. Miss Hardcastle Yes, sir. A poor relation, appointed to keep the keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them. Marlow That is, you act as the barmaid of this inn. Miss Hardcastle Inn! O law⁠—what brought that in your head? One of the best families in the country keep an inn⁠—Ha! ha! ha! old Mr. Hardcastle’s house an inn! Marlow Mr. Hardcastle’s house! Is this Mr. Hardcastle’s house, child? Miss Hardcastle Ay, sure! Whose else should it be? Marlow So, then, all’s out, and I have been damnably imposed on. Oh, confound my stupid head, I shall be laughed at over the whole town! I shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the print-shops. The Dullissimo Maccaroni. To mistake this house of all others for an inn, and my father’s old friend for an innkeeper! What a swaggering puppy must he take me for! What a silly puppy do I find myself! There, again, may I be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the barmaid. Miss Hardcastle Dear me! dear me!