She Stoops to Conquer

to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed⁠—you must know, madam⁠—this way a little, for he must not hear us. They confer. Tony Still gazing. A damned cramp piece of penmanship, as ever I saw in my life. I can read your print hand very well. But here are such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one can scarce tell the head from the tail.⁠—“To Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire.” It’s very odd, I can read the outside of my letters, where my own name is, well enough; but when I come to open it, it’s all⁠—buzz. That’s hard, very hard; for the inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspondence. Mrs. Hardcastle Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was too hard for the philosopher. Miss Neville Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. A little more this way, or he may hear us. You’ll hear how he puzzled him again. Mrs. Hardcastle He seems strangely puzzled now himself, methinks. Tony Still gazing. A damned up-and-down hand, as if it was disguised in liquor.⁠—Reading. Dear Sir⁠—Ay, that’s that. Then there’s an M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be an izzard, or an R, confound me, I cannot tell! Mrs. Hardcastle What’s that, my dear? Can I give you any assistance? Miss Neville Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand better than I. Twitching the letter from him. Do you know who it is from? Tony Can’t tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder. Miss Neville Ay, so it is. Pretending to read. Dear Squire, hoping that you’re in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemen of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose-green quite out of feather. The odds⁠—um⁠—odd battle⁠—um⁠—long fighting⁠—um⁠—here, here, it’s all about cocks, and fighting; it’s of no consequence; here, put it up, put it up. Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him. Tony But I tell you, miss, it’s of all the consequence in the world! I would not lose the rest of it for a guinea. Here, mother, do you make it out. Of no consequence! Giving Mrs. Hardcastle the letter. Mrs. Hardcastle How’s this?⁠—Reads. “Dear Squire, I’m now waiting for Miss Neville with a post chaise and pair, at the bottom of the garden, but I find my horses yet unable to perform the journey. I expect you’ll assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised. Dispatch is necessary, as the hag (ay, the hag), your mother, will otherwise suspect us. Yours, Hastings.” Grant me patience. I shall run distracted! My rage chokes me. Miss Neville I hope, madam, you’ll suspend your resentment for a few moments, and not impute to me any impertinence, or sinister design, that belongs to another. Mrs. Hardcastle Curtseying very low. Fine spoken, madam; you are most miraculously polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of courtesy and circumspection, madam. Changing her tone. And you, you great ill-fashioned oaf, with scarce sense enough to keep your mouth shut⁠—were you, too, joined against me? But I’ll defeat all your plots in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh horses ready, it would be cruel to disappoint them. So, if you please, instead of running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to run off with me. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I’ll warrant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I’ll show you that I wish you better than you do yourselves. Exit. Miss Neville So now I’m completely ruined. Tony Ay, that’s a sure thing. Miss Neville What better could be expected from being connected with such a stupid fool⁠—and after all the nods and signs I made him? Tony By the laws, miss, it was your own cleverness, and not my stupidity, that did your business. You were so nice and so busy with your Shake-bags and Goose-greens, that I thought you could never be making believe. Enter Hastings. Hastings So, sir, I find by my servant, that you have shown my letter, and betrayed us. Was this well done, young gentleman? Tony Here’s another. Ask miss there, who betrayed you. Ecod, it was her doing, not mine. Enter Marlow. Marlow So I have been finely used here among you. Rendered contemptible, driven into ill manners, despised, insulted, laughed at. Tony Here’s another. We shall have old Bedlam broke loose presently. Miss Neville And there, sir, is the gentleman to whom we all owe every obligation. Marlow What can I say to him, a mere boy, an idiot, whose ignorance and age are a protection? Hastings A poor contemptible booby, that would but disgrace correction. Miss Neville Yet with cunning and malice enough to make himself merry with all our embarrassments. Hastings An insensible cub. Marlow Replete with tricks and mischief. Tony Baw! damme, but I’ll fight you both, one after the other⁠—with baskets. Marlow As for him, he’s below resentment. But your conduct, Mr. Hastings, requires an explanation. You knew of my mistakes, yet would not undeceive me. Hastings Tortured as I am with my own disappointments, is this a time for explanations? It is not friendly, Mr. Marlow. Marlow But, sir⁠— Miss Neville Mr. Marlow, we never kept on your mistake till it was too late to undeceive you. Enter Servant. Servant My mistress desires you’ll get ready immediately, madam. The horses are putting to. Your hat and things are in the next room. We are to go thirty miles before morning. Exit Servant. Miss Neville Well, well: I’ll come presently. Marlow To Hastings. Was it well done, sir, to assist in rendering me ridiculous? To hang me out for the scorn of all my acquaintance? Depend upon it, sir, I shall expect an explanation. Hastings Was it well done, sir, if you’re upon that subject, to deliver what I entrusted to yourself, to the care of another sir? Miss Neville Mr. Hastings! Mr. Marlow! Why will