She Stoops to Conquer

you increase my distress by this groundless dispute? I implore, I entreat you⁠— Enter Servant. Servant Your cloak, madam. My mistress is impatient. Miss Neville I come. Exit Servant. Pray, be pacified. If I leave you thus, I shall die with apprehension. Enter Servant. Servant Your fan, muff, and gloves, madam. The horses are waiting. Exit Servant. Miss Neville Oh, Mr. Marlow! if you knew what a scene of constraint and ill-nature lies before me, I’m sure it would convert your resentment into pity. Marlow I’m so distracted with a variety of passions, that I don’t know what I do. Forgive me, madam. George, forgive me. You know my hasty temper, and should not exasperate it. Hastings The torture of my situation is my only excuse. Miss Neville Well, my dear Hastings, if you have that esteem for me that I think, that I am sure you have, your constancy for three years will but increase the happiness of our future connection. If⁠— Mrs. Hardcastle Within. Miss Neville! Constance! why, Constance, I say! Miss Neville I’m coming! Well, constancy. Remember, constancy is the word. Exit. Hastings My heart! how can I support this? To be so near happiness, and such happiness! Marlow To Tony. You see now, young gentleman, the effects of your folly. What might be amusement to you, is here disappointment, and even distress. Tony From a reverie. Ecod, I have hit it. It’s here! Your hands. Yours, and yours, my poor Sulky!⁠—My boots there, ho!⁠—Meet me, two hours hence, at the bottom of the garden; and if you don’t find Tony Lumpkin a more good-natured fellow than you thought for, I’ll give you leave to take my best horse, and Bet Bouncer into the bargain! Come along. My boots, ho! Exeunt.

Act V

Scene I. The house.

	Enter Hastings and Servant.
Hastings	You saw the old lady and Miss Neville drive off, you say?
Servant	Yes, your honour. They went off in a post coach, and the young Squire went on horseback. They’re thirty miles off by this time.
Hastings	Then all my hopes are over.
Servant	Yes, sir. Old Sir Charles has arrived. He and the old gentleman of the house have been laughing at Mr. Marlow’s mistake this half hour. They are coming this way.
Hastings	Then I must not be seen. So now to my fruitless appointment at the bottom of the garden. This is about the time.
	Exit.
	Enter Sir Charles and Hardcastle.
Hardcastle	Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he sent forth his sublime commands!
Sir Charles	And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your advances.
Hardcastle	And yet he might have seen something in me above a common innkeeper, too.
Sir Charles	Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper, ha! ha! ha!
Hardcastle	Well, I’m in too good spirits to think of anything but joy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our personal friendships hereditary; and though my daughter’s fortune is but small⁠—
Sir Charles	Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to me? My son is possessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but a good and virtuous girl to share his happiness and increase it. If they like each other, as you say they do⁠—
Hardcastle	If, man! I tell you they do like each other. My daughter as good as told me so.
Sir Charles	But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know.
Hardcastle	I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and here he comes to put you out of your ifs, I warrant him.
	Enter Marlow.
Marlow	I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion.
Hardcastle	Tut, boy, a trifle! You take it too gravely. An hour or two’s laughing with my daughter will set all to rights again. She’ll never like you the worse for it.
Marlow	Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation.
Hardcastle	Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am not deceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You take me?
Marlow	Really, sir, I have not that happiness.
Hardcastle	Come, boy, I’m an old fellow, and know what’s what as well as you that are younger. I know what has passed between you; but mum.
Marlow	Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most profound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on hers. You don’t think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest of the family.
Hardcastle	Impudence! No, I don’t say that⁠—not quite impudence⁠—though girls like to be played with, and rumpled a little too, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you.
Marlow	I never gave her the slightest cause.
Hardcastle	Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough; but this is overacting, young gentleman. You may be open. Your father and I will like you all the better for it.
Marlow	May I die, sir, if I ever⁠—
Hardcastle	I tell you, she don’t dislike you; and as I’m sure you like her⁠—
Marlow	Dear sir⁠—I protest, sir⁠—
Hardcastle	I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as the parson can tie you.
Marlow	But hear me, sir⁠—
Hardcastle	Your father approves the match; I admire it; every moment’s delay will be doing mischief; so⁠—
Marlow	But why won’t you hear me? By all that’s just and true, I never gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting.
Hardcastle	Aside. This fellow’s formal modest impudence is beyond bearing.
Sir Charles	And you never grasped her hand, or made any protestations?
Marlow	As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your commands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without reluctance. I hope you’ll exact no farther proofs of my duty, nor prevent me from leaving a house