Fanny’s First Play

can’t blame them for that, can you? I’ve met Bobby walking with his mother; and of course he cut me dead. I won’t pretend I liked it; but what could he do, poor dear? Margaret And now he wants me to cut you dead to keep him in countenance. Well, I shan’t: not if my whole family were there. But I’ll cut him dead if he doesn’t treat you properly. To Bobby, with a threatening move in his direction. I’ll educate you, you young beast. Bobby Furious, meeting her halfway. Who are you calling a young beast? Margaret You. Dora Peacemaking. Now, dearies! Bobby If you don’t take care, you’ll get your fat head jolly well clouted. Margaret If you don’t take care, the policeman’s tooth will only be the beginning of a collection. Dora Now, loveys, be good. Bobby, lost to all sense of adult dignity, puts out his tongue at Margaret. Margaret, equally furious, catches his protended countenance a box on the cheek. He hurls himself her. They wrestle. Bobby Cat! I’ll teach you. Margaret Pig! Beast! She forces him backwards on the table. Now where are you? Dora Calling. Juggins, Juggins. They’ll murder one another. Juggins Throwing open the door, and announcing. Monsieur Duvallet. Duvallet enters. Sudden cessation of hostilities, and dead silence. The combatants separate by the whole width of the room. Juggins withdraws. Duvallet I fear I derange you. Margaret Not at all. Bobby: you really are a beast: Monsieur Duvallet will think I’m always fighting. Duvallet Practising jujitsu or the new Iceland wrestling. Admirable, Miss Knox. The athletic young Englishwoman is an example to all Europe. Indicating Bobby. Your instructor, no doubt. Monsieur⁠—He bows. Bobby Bowing awkwardly. How d’y’ do? Margaret To Bobby. I’m so sorry, Bobby: I asked Monsieur Duvallet to call for me here; and I forgot to tell you. Introducing. Monsieur Duvallet: Miss Four hundred and seven. Mr. Bobby Gilbey. Duvallet bows. I really don’t know how to explain our relationships. Bobby and I are like brother and sister. Duvallet Perfectly. I noticed it. Margaret Bobby and Miss⁠—Miss⁠— Dora Delaney, dear. To Duvallet, bewitchingly. Darling Dora, to real friends. Margaret Bobby and Dora are⁠—are⁠—well, not brother and sister. Duvallet With redoubled comprehension. Perfectly. Margaret Bobby has spent the last fortnight in prison. You don’t mind, do you? Duvallet No, naturally. I have spent the last fortnight in prison. The conversation drops. Margaret renews it with an effort. Margaret Dora has spent the last fortnight in prison. Duvallet Quite so. I felicitate Mademoiselle on her enlargement. Dora Trop merci, as they say in Boulogne. No call to be stiff with one another, have we? Juggins comes in. Juggins Beg pardon, sir. Mr. and Mrs. Gilbey are coming up the street. Dora Let me absquatulate. Making for the door. Juggins If you wish to leave without being seen, you had better step into my pantry and leave afterwards. Dora Right oh! She bursts into song. Hide me in the meat safe till the cop goes by. Hum the dear old music as his step draws nigh. She goes out on tiptoe. Margaret I won’t stay here if she has to hide. I’ll keep her company in the pantry. She follows Dora. Bobby Lets all go. We can’t have any fun with the Mar here. I say, Juggins: you can give us tea in the pantry, can’t you? Juggins Certainly, sir. Bobby Right. Say nothing to my mother. You don’t mind, Mr. Doovalley, do you? Duvallet I shall be charmed. Bobby Right you are. Come along. At the door. Oh, by the way, Juggins, fetch down that concertina from my room, will you? Juggins Yes, sir. Bobby goes out. Duvallet follows him to the door. You understand, sir, that Miss Knox is a lady absolutely comme il faut? Duvallet Perfectly. But the other? Juggins The other, sir, may be both charitably and accurately described in your native idiom as a daughter of joy. Duvallet It is what I thought. These English domestic interiors are very interesting. He goes out, followed by Juggins. Presently Mr. and Mrs. Gilbey come in. They take their accustomed places: he on the hearthrug, she at the colder end of the table. Mrs. Gilbey Did you smell scent in the hall, Rob? Gilbey No, I didn’t. And I don’t want to smell it. Don’t you go looking for trouble, Maria. Mrs. Gilbey Snuffing up the perfumed atmosphere. She’s been here. Gilbey rings the bell. What are you ringing for? Are you going to ask? Gilbey No, I’m not going to ask. Juggins said this morning he wanted to speak to me. If he likes to tell me, let him; but I’m not going to ask; and don’t you either. Juggins appears at the door. You said you wanted to say something to me. Juggins When it would be convenient to you, sir. Gilbey Well, what is it? Mrs. Gilbey Oh, Juggins, we’re expecting Mr. and Mrs. Knox to tea. Gilbey He knows that. He sits down. Then, to Juggins. What is it? Juggins Advancing to the middle of the table. Would it inconvenience you, sir, if I was to give you a month’s notice? Gilbey Taken aback. What! Why? Ain’t you satisfied? Juggins Perfectly, sir. It is not that I want to better myself, I assure you. Gilbey Well, what do you want to leave for, then? Do you want to worse yourself? Juggins No, sir. I’ve been well treated in your most comfortable establishment; and I should be greatly distressed if you or Mrs. Gilbey were to interpret my notice as an expression of dissatisfaction. Gilbey Paternally. Now you listen to me, Juggins. I’m an older man than you. Don’t you throw out dirty water till you get in fresh. Don’t get too big for your boots. You’re like all servants nowadays: you think you’ve only to hold up your finger to get the pick of half a dozen jobs. But you won’t be treated everywhere as you’re treated here. In bed every