Fanny’s First Play

night before eleven; hardly a ring at the door except on Mrs. Gilbey’s day once a month; and no other manservant to interfere with you. It may be a bit quiet perhaps; but you’re past the age of adventure. Take my advice: think over it. You suit me; and I’m prepared to make it suit you if you’re dissatisfied⁠—in reason, you know. Juggins I realize my advantages, sir; but I’ve private reasons⁠— Gilbey Cutting him short angrily and retiring to the hearthrug in dudgeon. Oh, I know. Very well: go. The sooner the better. Mrs. Gilbey Oh, not until we’re suited. He must stay his month. Gilbey Sarcastic. Do you want to lose him his character, Maria? Do you think I don’t see what it is? We’re prison folk now. We’ve been in the police court. To Juggins. Well, I suppose you know your own business best. I take your notice: you can go when your month is up, or sooner, if you like. Juggins Believe me, sir⁠— Gilbey That’s enough: I don’t want any excuses. I don’t blame you. You can go downstairs now, if you’ve nothing else to trouble me about. Juggins I really can’t leave it at that, sir. I assure you I’ve no objection to young Mr. Gilbey’s going to prison. You may do six months yourself, sir, and welcome, without a word of remonstrance from me. I’m leaving solely because my brother, who has suffered a bereavement, and feels lonely, begs me to spend a few months with him until he gets over it. Gilbey And is he to keep you all that time? or are you to spend your savings in comforting him? Have some sense, man: how can you afford such things? Juggins My brother can afford to keep me, sir. The truth is, he objects to my being in service. Gilbey Is that any reason why you should be dependent on him? Don’t do it, Juggins: pay your own way like an honest lad; and don’t eat your brother’s bread while you’re able to earn your own. Juggins There is sound sense in that, sir. But unfortunately it is a tradition in my family that the younger brothers should sponge to a considerable extent on the eldest. Gilbey Then the sooner that tradition is broken, the better, my man. Juggins A Radical sentiment, sir. But an excellent one. Gilbey Radical! What do you mean? Don’t you begin to take liberties, Juggins, now that you know we’re loth to part with you. Your brother isn’t a duke, you know. Juggins Unfortunately, he is, sir. Together. Gilbey What! Mrs. Gilbey Juggins! Juggins Excuse me, sir: the bell. He goes out. Gilbey Overwhelmed. Maria: did you understand him to say his brother was a duke? Mrs. Gilbey Fancy his condescending! Perhaps if you’d offer to raise his wages and treat him as one of the family, he’d stay. Gilbey And have my own servant above me! Not me. What’s the world coming to? Here’s Bobby and⁠— Juggins Entering and announcing. Mr. and Mrs. Knox. The Knoxes come in. Juggins takes two chairs from the wall and places them at the table, between the host and hostess. Then he withdraws. Mrs. Gilbey To Mrs. Knox. How are you, dear? Mrs. Knox Nicely, thank you. Good evening, Mr. Gilbey. They shake hands; and she takes the chair nearest Mrs. Gilbey. Mr. Knox takes the other chair. Gilbey Sitting down. I was just saying, Knox, What is the world coming to? Knox Appealing to his wife. What was I saying myself only this morning? Mrs. Knox This is a strange time. I was never one to talk about the end of the world; but look at the things that have happened! Knox Earthquakes! Gilbey San Francisco! Mrs. Gilbey Jamaica! Knox Martinique! Gilbey Messina! Mrs. Gilbey The plague in China! Mrs. Knox The floods in France! Gilbey My Bobby in Wormwood Scrubbs! Knox Margaret in Holloway! Gilbey And now my footman tells me his brother’s a duke! Knox No! Mrs. Knox What’s that? Gilbey Just before he let you in. A duke! Here has everything been respectable from the beginning of the world, as you may say, to the present day; and all of a sudden everything is turned upside down. Mrs. Knox It’s like in the book of Revelations. But I do say that unless people have happiness within themselves, all the earthquakes, all the floods, and all the prisons in the world can’t make them really happy. Knox It isn’t alone the curious things that are happening, but the unnatural way people are taking them. Why, there’s Margaret been in prison, and she hasn’t time to go to all the invitations she’s had from people that never asked her before. Gilbey I never knew we could live without being respectable. Mrs. Gilbey Oh, Rob, what a thing to say! Who says we’re not respectable? Gilbey Well, it’s not what I call respectable to have your children in and out of gaol. Knox Oh come, Gilbey! we’re not tramps because we’ve had, as it were, an accident. Gilbey It’s no use, Knox: look it in the face. Did I ever tell you my father drank? Knox No. But I knew it. Simmons told me. Gilbey Yes: he never could keep his mouth quiet: he told me your aunt was a kleptomaniac. Mrs. Knox It wasn’t true, Mr. Gilbey. She used to pick up handkerchiefs if she saw them lying about; but you might trust her with untold silver. Gilbey My Uncle Phil was a teetotaller. My father used to say to me: Rob, he says, don’t you ever have a weakness. If you find one getting a hold on you, make a merit of it, he says. Your Uncle Phil doesn’t like spirits; and he makes a merit of it, and is chairman of the Blue Ribbon Committee. I do like spirits; and I make a merit of it, and I’m the King Cockatoo of the Convivial Cockatoos. Never put yourself in the wrong, he says. I used to boast about what a good boy Bobby was. Now I swank about what a dog he is; and it