Getting Married

hall. Alfred: you and Boxer must go there and be ready to keep the first arrivals talking till we come. We have to dress Edith. Come, Lesbia: come, Leo: we must all help. Now, Edith. Lesbia, Leo, and Edith go out through the tower. Collins: we shall want you when Miss Edith’s dressed to look over her veil and things and see that they’re all right. Collins Yes, ma’am. Anything you would like mentioned about Miss Lesbia, ma’am? Mrs. Bridgenorth No. She won’t have the General. I think you may take that as final. Collins What a pity, ma’am! A fine lady wasted, ma’am. They shake their heads sadly; and Mrs. Bridgenorth goes out through the tower. The Bishop I’m going to the hall, Collins, to receive. Rejjy: go and tell Boxer; and come both of you to help with the small talk. Come, Cecil. He goes out through the tower, followed by Sykes. Reginald To Hotchkiss. You’ve always talked a precious lot about behaving like a gentleman. Well, if you think you’ve behaved like a gentleman to Leo, you’re mistaken. And I shall have to take her part, remember that. Hotchkiss I understand. Your doors are closed to me. Reginald Quickly. Oh no. Don’t be hasty. I think I should like you to drop in after a while, you know. She gets so cross and upset when there’s nobody to liven up the house a bit. Hotchkiss I’ll do my best. Reginald Relieved. Righto. You won’t mind, old chap, do you? Hotchkiss It’s Fate. I’ve touched coal; and my hands are black; but they’re clean. So long, Rejjy. They shake hands; and Reginald goes into the garden to collect Boxer. Collins Excuse me, sir; but do you stay to breakfast? Your name is on one of the covers; and I should like to change it if you’re not remaining. Hotchkiss How do I know? Is my destiny any longer in my own hands? Go: ask she who must be obeyed. Collins Awestruck. Has Mrs. George taken a fancy to you, sir? Hotchkiss Would she had! Worse, man, worse: I’ve taken a fancy to Mrs. George. Collins Don’t despair, sir: if George likes your conversation you’ll find their house a very pleasant one⁠—livelier than Mr. Reginald’s was, I daresay. Hotchkiss Calling. Polly. Collins Promptly. Oh, if it’s come to Polly already, sir, I should say you were all right. Mrs. George appears at the door of the study. Hotchkiss Your brother-in-law wishes to know whether I’m to stay for the wedding breakfast. Tell him. Mrs. George He stays, Bill, if he chooses to behave himself. Hotchkiss To Collins. May I, as a friend of the family, have the privilege of calling you Bill? Collins With pleasure, sir, I’m sure, sir. Hotchkiss My own pet name in the bosom of my family is Sonny. Mrs. George Why didn’t you tell me that before? Sonny is just the name I wanted for you. She pats his cheek familiarly; he rises abruptly and goes to the hearth, where he throws himself moodily into the railed chair. Bill: I’m not going into the hall until there are enough people there to make a proper little court for me. Send the Beadle for me when you think it looks good enough. Collins Right, ma’am. He goes out through the tower. Mrs. George left alone with Hotchkiss and Soames, suddenly puts her hands on Soames’s shoulders and bends over him. Mrs. George The Bishop said I was to tempt you, Anthony. Soames Without looking round. Woman: go away. Mrs. George

Anthony:

“When other lips and other hearts
Their tale of love shall tell

Hotchkiss

Sardonically.

In language whose excess imparts
The power they feel so well.

Mrs. George

Though hollow hearts may wear a mask,
Twould break your own to see
In such a moment I but ask
That you’ll remember me.”

And you will, Anthony. I shall put my spell on you.

Soames Do you think that a man who has sung the Magnificat and adored the Queen of Heaven has any ears for such trash as that or any eyes for such trash as you⁠—saving your poor little soul’s presence. Go home to your duties, woman. Mrs. George Highly approving his fortitude. Anthony: I adopt you as my father. That’s the talk! Give me a man whose whole life doesn’t hang on some scrubby woman in the next street; and I’ll never let him go. She slaps him heartily on the back. Soames That’s enough. You have another man to talk to. I’m busy. Mrs. George Leaving Soames and going a step or two nearer Hotchkiss. Why aren’t you like him, Sonny? Why do you hang on to a scrubby woman in the next street? Hotchkiss Thoughtfully. I must apologize to Billiter. Mrs. George Who is Billiter? Hotchkiss A man who eats rice pudding with a spoon. I’ve been eating rice pudding with a spoon ever since I saw you first. He rises. We all eat our rice pudding with a spoon, don’t we, Soames? Soames We are members of one another. There is no need to refer to me. In the first place, I’m busy: in the second, you’ll find it all in the Church Catechism, which contains most of the new discoveries with which the age is bursting. Of course you should apologize to Billiter. He is your equal. He will go to the same heaven if he behaves himself and to the same hell if he doesn’t. Mrs. George Sitting down. And so will my husband the coal merchant. Hotchkiss If I were your husband’s superior here I should be his superior in heaven or hell: equality lies deeper than that. The coal merchant and I are in love with the same woman. That settles the question for me forever. He prowls across the kitchen to the garden door, deep in thought. Soames Psha! Mrs. George You don’t believe in women, do you, Anthony? He might as well say that he and George both like fried fish. Hotchkiss I