Misalliance

Their gain. Our loss, Tarleton, believe me, our loss. Tarleton Well, why not? Averages out the human race. Makes the nigger half an Englishman. Makes the Englishman half a nigger. Lord Summerhays Speaking as the unfortunate Englishman in question, I don’t like the process. If I had my life to live over again, I’d stay at home and supercivilize myself. Tarleton Nonsense! don’t be selfish. Think how you’ve improved the other chaps. Look at the Spanish empire! Bad job for Spain, but splendid for South America. Look at what the Romans did for Britain! They burst up and had to clear out; but think of all they taught us! They were the making of us: I believe there was a Roman camp on Hindhead: I’ll show it to you tomorrow. That’s the good side of Imperialism: it’s unselfish. I despise the Little Englanders: they’re always thinking about England. Smallminded. I’m for the Parliament of man, the federation of the world. Read Tennyson. He settles down again. Then there’s the great food question. Lord Summerhays Apprehensively. Need we go into that this afternoon? Tarleton No; but I wish you’d tell the Chickabiddy that the Jinghiskahns eat no end of toasted cheese, and that it’s the secret of their amazing health and long life! Lord Summerhays Unfortunately they are neither healthy nor long lived. And they don’t eat toasted cheese. Tarleton There you are! They would be if they ate it. Anyhow, say what you like, provided the moral is a Welsh rabbit for my supper. Lord Summerhays British morality in a nutshell! Tarleton Hugely amused. Yes. Ha ha! Awful hypocrites, ain’t we? They are interrupted by excited cries from the grounds. Hypatia Papa! Mamma! Come out as fast as you can. Quick. Quick. Bentley Hello, governor! Come out. An aeroplane. Look, look. Tarleton Starting up. Aeroplane! Did he say an aeroplane? Lord Summerhays Aeroplane! A shadow falls on the pavilion; and some of the glass at the top is shattered and falls on the floor. Tarleton and Lord Summerhays rush out through the pavilion into the garden. Hypatia Take care. Take care of the chimney. Bentley Come this side: it’s coming right where you’re standing. Tarleton Hallo! where the devil are you coming? you’ll have my roof off. Lord Summerhays He’s lost control. Mrs. Tarleton Look, look, Hypatia. There are two people in it. Bentley They’ve cleared it. Well steered! Tarleton Yes; but they’re coming slam into the greenhouse. Lord Summerhays Look out for the glass. Mrs. Tarleton They’ll break all the glass. They’ll spoil all the grapes. Bentley Mind where you’re coming. He’ll save it. No: they’re down. An appalling crash of breaking glass is heard. Everybody shrieks. Mrs. Tarleton Oh, are they killed? John: are they killed? Lord Summerhays Are you hurt? Is anything broken? Can you stand? Hypatia Oh, you must be hurt. Are you sure? Shall I get you some water? Or some wine? Tarleton Are you all right? Sure you won’t have some brandy just to take off the shock. The Aviator No, thank you. Quite right. Not a scratch. I assure you I’m all right. Bentley What luck! And what a smash! You are a lucky chap, I can tell you. The Aviator and Tarleton come in through the pavilion, followed by Lord Summerhays and Bentley, the Aviator on Tarleton’s right. Bentley passes the Aviator and turns to have an admiring look at him. Lord Summerhays overtakes Tarleton less pointedly on the opposite side with the same object. The Aviator I’m really very sorry. I’m afraid I’ve knocked your vinery into a cocked hat. Effusively. You don’t mind, do you? Tarleton Not a bit. Come in and have some tea. Stay to dinner. Stay over the weekend. All my life I’ve wanted to fly. The Aviator Taking off his goggles. You’re really more than kind. Bentley Why, its Joey Percival. Percival Hallo, Ben! That you? Tarleton What! The man with three fathers! Percival Oh! has Ben been talking about me? Tarleton Consider yourself as one of the family⁠—if you will do me the honor. And your friend too. Where’s your friend? Percival Oh, by the way! before he comes in: let me explain. I don’t know him. Tarleton Eh? Percival Haven’t even looked at him. I’m trying to make a club record with a passenger. The club supplied the passenger. He just got in; and I’ve been too busy handling the aeroplane to look at him. I haven’t said a word to him; and I can’t answer for him socially; but he’s an ideal passenger for a flyer. He saved me from a smash. Lord Summerhays I saw it. It was extraordinary. When you were thrown out he held on to the top bar with one hand. You came past him in the air, going straight for the glass. He caught you and turned you off into the flower bed, and then lighted beside you like a bird. Percival How he kept his head I can’t imagine. Frankly, I didn’t. The Passenger, also begoggled, comes in through the pavilion with Johnny and the two ladies. The Passenger comes between Percival and Tarleton, Mrs. Tarleton between Lord Summerhays and her husband, Hypatia between Percival and Bentley, and Johnny to Bentley’s right. Tarleton Just discussing your prowess, my dear sir. Magnificent. You’ll stay to dinner. You’ll stay the night. Stay over the week. The Chickabiddy will be delighted. Mrs. Tarleton Won’t you take off your goggles and have some tea? The Passenger begins to remove the goggles. Tarleton Do. Have a wash. Johnny: take the gentleman to your room: I’ll look after Mr. Percival. They must⁠— By this time the passenger has got the goggles off, and stands revealed as a remarkably good-looking woman. All together. Mrs. Tarleton Well I never!!! Bentley In a whisper. Oh, I say! Johnny By George! Lord Summerhays A lady! Hypatia A woman! Tarleton To Percival. You never told me⁠— Percival I hadn’t the least idea⁠—