Misalliance

epub:type="z3998:name-title">Mrs. Tarleton Well, this is a nice thing to happen! And look at the greenhouse! It’ll cost thirty pounds to mend it. People have no right to do such things. And you invited them to dinner too! What sort of woman is that to have in our house when you know that all Hindhead will be calling on us to see that aeroplane? Bunny: come with me and help me to get all the people out of the grounds: I declare they came running as if they’d sprung up out of the earth. She makes for the inner door. Tarleton No: don’t you trouble, Chickabiddy: I’ll tackle em. Mrs. Tarleton Indeed you’ll do nothing of the kind: you’ll stay here quietly with Lord Summerhays. You’d invite them all to dinner. Come, Bunny. She goes out, followed by Bentley. Lord Summerhays sits down again. Tarleton Singularly beautiful woman Summerhays. What do you make of her? She must be a princess. What’s this family of warriors and statesmen that risk their lives every day? Lord Summerhays They are evidently not warriors and statesmen, or they wouldn’t do that. Tarleton Well, then, who the devil are they? Lord Summerhays I think I know. The last time I saw that lady, she did something I should not have thought possible. Tarleton What was that? Lord Summerhays Well, she walked backwards along a taut wire without a balancing pole and turned a somersault in the middle. I remember that her name was Lina, and that the other name was foreign; though I don’t recollect it. Tarleton Szcz! You couldn’t have forgotten that if you’d heard it. Lord Summerhays I didn’t hear it: I only saw it on a program. But it’s clear she’s an acrobat. It explains how she saved Percival. And it accounts for her family pride. Tarleton An acrobat, eh? Good, good, good! Summerhays: that brings her within reach. That’s better than a princess. I steeled this evergreen heart of mine when I thought she was a princess. Now I shall let it be touched. She is accessible. Good. Lord Summerhays I hope you are not serious. Remember: you have a family. You have a position. You are not in your first youth. Tarleton

No matter.

There’s magic in the night
When the heart is young.

My heart is young. Besides, I’m a married man, not a widower like you. A married man can do anything he likes if his wife don’t mind. A widower can’t be too careful. Not that I would have you think me an unprincipled man or a bad husband. I’m not. But I’ve a superabundance of vitality. Read Pepys’ Diary.

Lord Summerhays The woman is your guest, Tarleton. Tarleton Well, is she? A woman I bring into my house is my guest. A woman you bring into my house is my guest. But a woman who drops bang down out of the sky into my greenhouse and smashes every blessed pane of glass in it must take her chance. Lord Summerhays Still, you know that my name must not be associated with any scandal. You’ll be careful, won’t you? Tarleton Oh Lord, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I was only joking, of course. Mrs. Tarleton comes back through the inner door. Mrs. Tarleton Well I never! John: I don’t think that young woman’s right in her head. Do you know what she’s just asked for? Tarleton Champagne? Mrs. Tarleton No. She wants a Bible and six oranges. Tarleton What? Mrs. Tarleton A Bible and six oranges. Tarleton I understand the oranges: she’s doing an orange cure of some sort. But what on earth does she want the Bible for? Mrs. Tarleton I’m sure I can’t imagine. She can’t be right in her head. Lord Summerhays Perhaps she wants to read it. Mrs. Tarleton But why should she, on a weekday, at all events. What would you advise me to do, Lord Summerhays? Lord Summerhays Well, is there a Bible in the house? Tarleton Stacks of em. There’s the family Bible, and the Dore Bible, and the parallel revised version Bible, and the Doves Press Bible, and Johnny’s Bible and Bobby’s Bible and Patsy’s Bible, and the Chickabiddy’s Bible and my Bible; and I daresay the servants could raise a few more between them. Let her have the lot. Mrs. Tarleton Don’t talk like that before Lord Summerhays, John. Lord Summerhays It doesn’t matter, Mrs. Tarleton: in Jinghiskahn it was a punishable offence to expose a Bible for sale. The empire has no religion. Lina comes in. She has left her cap in Hypatia’s room. She stops on the landing just inside the door, and speaks over the handrail. Lina Oh, Mrs. Tarleton, shall I be making myself very troublesome if I ask for a music-stand in my room as well? Tarleton Not at all. You can have the piano if you like. Or the gramophone. Have the gramophone. Lina No, thank you: no music. Mrs. Tarleton Going to the steps. Do you think it’s good for you to eat so many oranges? Aren’t you afraid of getting jaundice? Lina Coming down. Not in the least. But billiard balls will do quite as well. Mrs. Tarleton But you can’t eat billiard balls, child! Tarleton Get em, Chickabiddy. I understand. He imitates a juggler tossing up balls. Eh? Lina Going to him, past his wife. Just so. Tarleton Billiard balls and cues. Plates, knives, and forks. Two paraffin lamps and a hatstand. Lina No: that is popular low-class business. In our family we touch nothing but classical work. Anybody can do lamps and hatstands. I can do silver bullets. That is really hard. She passes on to Lord Summerhays, and looks gravely down at him as he sits by the writing table. Mrs. Tarleton Well, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about; and I only hope you know yourselves. However, you shall have what you want, of course. She goes up the steps and leaves the room. Lord Summerhays Will you forgive my curiosity? What is the Bible for? Lina To quiet my soul. Lord Summerhays With a sigh. Ah yes, yes. It no longer quiets mine, I