Misalliance

epub:type="z3998:stage-direction">An embarrassed pause. Percival I assure you if I’d had the faintest notion that my passenger was a lady I shouldn’t have left you to shift for yourself in that selfish way. Lord Summerhays The lady seems to have shifted for both very effectually, sir. Percival Saved my life. I admit it most gratefully. Tarleton I must apologize, madam, for having offered you the civilities appropriate to the opposite sex. And yet, why opposite? We are all human: males and females of the same species. When the dress is the same the distinction vanishes. I’m proud to receive in my house a lady of evident refinement and distinction. Allow me to introduce myself: Tarleton: John Tarleton seeing conjecture in the passenger’s eye⁠—yes, yes: Tarleton’s Underwear. My wife, Mrs. Tarleton: you’ll excuse me for having in what I had taken to be a confidence between man and man alluded to her as the Chickabiddy. My daughter Hypatia, who has always wanted some adventure to drop out of the sky, and is now, I hope, satisfied at last. Lord Summerhays: a man known wherever the British flag waves. His son Bentley, engaged to Hypatia. Mr. Joseph Percival, the promising son of three highly intellectual fathers. Hypatia Startled. Bentley’s friend? Bentley nods. Tarleton Continuing, to the passenger. May I now ask to be allowed the pleasure of knowing your name? The Passenger My name is Lina Szczepanowska. Pronouncing it Sh-Chepanovska. Percival Sh⁠—I beg your pardon? Lina Szczepanowska. Percival Dubiously. Thank you. Tarleton Very politely. Would you mind saying it again? Lina Say fish. Tarleton Fish. Lina Say church. Tarleton Church. Lina Say fish church. Tarleton Remonstrating. But it’s not good sense. Lina Inexorable. Say fish church. Tarleton Fish church. Lina Again. Tarleton No, but⁠—resigning himself fish church. Lina Now say Szczepanowska. Tarleton Szczepanowska. Got it, by Gad. A sibilant whispering becomes audible: they are all saying Sh-ch to themselves. Szczepanowska! Not an English name, is it? Lina Polish. I’m a Pole. Tarleton Ah yes. Interesting nation. Lucky people to get the government of their country taken off their hands. Nothing to do but cultivate themselves. Same as we took Gibraltar off the hands of the Spaniards. Saves the Spanish taxpayer. Jolly good thing for us if the Germans took Portsmouth. Sit down, won’t you? The group breaks up. Johnny and Bentley hurry to the pavilion and fetch the two wicker chairs. Johnny gives his to Lina. Hypatia and Percival take the chairs at the worktable. Lord Summerhays gives the chair at the vestibule end of the writing table to Mrs. Tarleton; and Bentley replaces it with a wicker chair, which Lord Summerhays takes. Johnny remains standing behind the worktable, Bentley behind his father. Mrs. Tarleton To Lina. Have some tea now, won’t you? Lina I never drink tea. Tarleton Sitting down at the end of the writing table nearest Lina. Bad thing to aeroplane on, I should imagine. Too jumpy. Been up much? Lina Not in an aeroplane. I’ve parachuted; but that’s child’s play. Mrs. Tarleton But aren’t you very foolish to run such a dreadful risk? Lina You can’t live without running risks. Mrs. Tarleton Oh, what a thing to say! Didn’t you know you might have been killed? Lina That was why I went up. Hypatia Of course. Can’t you understand the fascination of the thing? the novelty! the daring! the sense of something happening! Lina Oh no. It’s too tame a business for that. I went up for family reasons. Tarleton Eh? What? Family reasons? Mrs. Tarleton I hope it wasn’t to spite your mother? Percival Quickly. Or your husband? Lina I’m not married. And why should I want to spite my mother? Hypatia Aside to Percival. That was clever of you, Mr. Percival. Percival What? Hypatia To find out. Tarleton I’m in a difficulty. I can’t understand a lady going up in an aeroplane for family reasons. It’s rude to be curious and ask questions; but then it’s inhuman to be indifferent, as if you didn’t care. Lina I’ll tell you with pleasure. For the last hundred and fifty years, not a single day has passed without some member of my family risking his life⁠—or her life. It’s a point of honor with us to keep up that tradition. Usually several of us do it; but it happens that just at this moment it is being kept up by one of my brothers only. Early this morning I got a telegram from him to say that there had been a fire, and that he could do nothing for the rest of the week. Fortunately I had an invitation from the Aerial League to see this gentleman try to break the passenger record. I appealed to the President of the League to let me save the honor of my family. He arranged it for me. Tarleton Oh, I must be dreaming. This is stark raving nonsense. Lina Quietly. You are quite awake, sir. Johnny We can’t all be dreaming the same thing, Governor. Tarleton Of course not, you duffer; but then I’m dreaming you as well as the lady. Mrs. Tarleton Don’t be silly, John. The lady is only joking, I’m sure. To Lina. I suppose your luggage is in the aeroplane. Percival Luggage was out of the question. If I stay to dinner I’m afraid I can’t change unless you’ll lend me some clothes. Mrs. Tarleton Do you mean neither of you? Percival I’m afraid so. Mrs. Tarleton Oh well, never mind: Hypatia will lend the lady a gown. Lina Thank you: I’m quite comfortable as I am. I am not accustomed to gowns: they hamper me and make me feel ridiculous; so if you don’t mind I shall not change. Mrs. Tarleton Well, I’m beginning to think I’m doing a bit of dreaming myself. Hypatia Impatiently. Oh, it’s all right, mamma. Johnny: look after Mr. Percival. To Lina, rising. Come with me. Lina follows her to the inner door. They all rise. Johnny To Percival. I’ll show you. Percival Thank you. Lina goes out with Hypatia, and Percival with Johnny.