Misalliance

unlawful entry into his house, where I secreted myself in a portable Turkish bath⁠— Bentley Go slow, old man. Just a moment. “Turkish bath”⁠—yes? Tarleton Continuing.⁠—with a pistol, with which I threatened to take the life of the said John Tarleton⁠— Mrs. Tarleton Oh, John! You might have been killed. Tarleton —and was prevented from doing so only by the timely arrival of the celebrated Miss Lina Szczepanowska. Mrs. Tarleton Is she celebrated? Apologetically. I never dreamt⁠— Bentley Look here: I’m awfully sorry; but I can’t spell Szczepanowska. Percival I think it’s S, z, c, z⁠—Lina gives him her visiting-card. Thank you. He throws it on Bentley’s blotter. Bentley Thanks awfully. He writes the name. Tarleton To Percival. Now it’s your turn. Percival Dictating. I further confess that I was guilty of uttering an abominable calumny concerning Miss Hypatia Tarleton, for which there was not a shred of foundation. Impressive silence whilst Bentley writes. Bentley “foundation”? Percival I apologize most humbly to the lady and her family for my conduct⁠—he waits for Bentley to write. Bentley “conduct”? Percival —and I promise Mr. Tarleton not to repeat it, and to amend my life⁠— Bentley “amend my life”? Percival —and to do what in me lies to prove worthy of his kindness in giving me another chance⁠— Bentley “another chance”? Percival —and refraining from delivering me up to the punishment I so richly deserve. Bentley “richly deserve.” Percival To Hypatia. Does that satisfy you, Miss Tarleton? Hypatia Yes: that will teach him to tell lies next time. Bentley Rising to make place for Gunner and handing him the pen. You mean it will teach him to tell the truth next time. Tarleton Ahem! Do you, Patsy? Percival Be good enough to sign. Gunner sits down helplessly and dips the pen in the ink. I hope what you are signing is no mere form of words to you, and that you not only say you are sorry, but that you are sorry. Lord Summerhays and Johnny come in through the pavilion door. Mrs. Tarleton Stop. Mr. Percival: I think, on Hypatia’s account, Lord Summerhays ought to be told about this. Lord Summerhays, wondering what the matter is, comes forward between Percival and Lina. Johnny stops beside Hypatia. Percival Certainly. Tarleton Uneasily. Take my advice, and cut it short. Get rid of him. Mrs. Tarleton Hypatia ought to have her character cleared. Tarleton You let well alone, Chickabiddy. Most of our characters will bear a little careful dusting; but they won’t bear scouring. Patsy is jolly well out of it. What does it matter, anyhow? Percival Mr. Tarleton: we have already said either too much or not enough. Lord Summerhays: will you be kind enough to witness the declaration this man has just signed? Gunner I haven’t yet. Am I to sign now? Percival Of course. Gunner, who is now incapable of doing anything on his own initiative, signs. Now stand up and read your declaration to this gentleman. Gunner makes a vague movement and looks stupidly round. Percival adds peremptorily, Now, please. Gunner Rising apprehensively and reading in a hardly audible voice, like a very sick man. I, John Brown, of 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, do hereby voluntarily confess that on the 31st May 1909 I trespassed on the land of John Tarleton at Hindhead, and effected an unlawful entry into his house, where I secreted myself in a portable Turkish bath, with a pistol, with which I threatened to take the life of the said John Tarleton, and was prevented from doing so only by the timely arrival of the celebrated Miss Lena Sh-Sh-sheepanossika. I further confess that I was guilty of uttering an abominable calumny concerning Miss Hypatia Tarleton, for which there was not a shred of foundation. I apologize most humbly to the lady and her family for my conduct; and I promise Mr. Tarleton not to repeat it, and to amend my life, and to do what in me lies to prove worthy of his kindness in giving me another chance and refraining from delivering me up to the punishment I so richly deserve. A short and painful silence follows. Then Percival speaks. Percival Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays? Lord Summerhays Oh quite, quite. Percival To Hypatia. Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton. Hypatia Coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays. I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival. Percival First bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless. We need not trouble you any further. Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion. Johnny With less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion. That’s your way. The gardener will show you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way. Gunner Oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room. Yes, sir. I⁠—He turns again, appealing to Tarleton. Mayn’t I have my mother’s photographs back again? Mrs. Tarleton pricks up her ears. Tarleton Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs. Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him. Mrs. Tarleton What’s this, John? What were you doing with his mother’s photographs? Tarleton Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it’s all right. Mrs. Tarleton Snatching the photographs from Gunner’s irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance. Lucy Titmus! Oh John, John! Tarleton Grimly, to Gunner. Young man: you’re a fool; but you’ve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would. I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences⁠—or rather I must take them. Mrs. Tarleton To Gunner. Are you Lucy’s son? Gunner Yes. Mrs. Tarleton And why didn’t you come to me? I didn’t turn my back