Misalliance

me of any trustworthy method of selecting a wife, I shall be happy to make use of it. I await your suggestions. He looks with polite attention to Lord Summerhays, who, having nothing to say, avoids his eye. He looks to Tarleton, who purses his lips glumly and rattles his money in his pockets without a word. Apparently neither of you has anything to suggest. Then Patsy will do as well as another, provided the money is forthcoming. Hypatia Oh, you beauty, you beauty! Tarleton When I married Patsy’s mother, I was in love with her. Percival For the first time? Tarleton Yes: for the first time. Percival For the last time? Lord Summerhays Revolted. Sir: you are in the presence of his daughter. Hypatia Oh, don’t mind me. I don’t care. I’m accustomed to Papa’s adventures. Tarleton Blushing painfully. Patsy, my child: that was not⁠—not delicate. Hypatia Well, papa, you’ve never shown any delicacy in talking to me about my conduct; and I really don’t see why I shouldn’t talk to you about yours. It’s such nonsense! Do you think young people don’t know? Lord Summerhays I’m sure they don’t feel. Tarleton: this is too horrible, too brutal. If neither of these young people have any⁠—any⁠—any⁠— Percival Shall we say paternal sentimentality? I’m extremely sorry to shock you; but you must remember that I’ve been educated to discuss human affairs with three fathers simultaneously. I’m an adult person. Patsy is an adult person. You do not inspire me with veneration. Apparently you do not inspire Patsy with veneration. That may surprise you. It may pain you. I’m sorry. It can’t be helped. What about the money? Tarleton You don’t inspire me with generosity, young man. Hypatia Laughing with genuine amusement. He had you there, Joey. Tarleton I haven’t been a bad father to you, Patsy. Hypatia I don’t say you have, dear. If only I could persuade you I’ve grown up, we should get along perfectly. Tarleton Do you remember Bill Burt? Hypatia Why? Tarleton To the others. Bill Burt was a laborer here. I was going to sack him for kicking his father. He said his father had kicked him until he was big enough to kick back. Patsy begged him off. I asked that man what it felt like the first time he kicked his father, and found that it was just like kicking any other man. He laughed and said that it was the old man that knew what it felt like. Think of that, Summerhays! think of that! Hypatia I haven’t kicked you, papa. Tarleton You’ve kicked me harder than Bill Burt ever kicked. Lord Summerhays It’s no use, Tarleton. Spare yourself. Do you seriously expect these young people, at their age, to sympathize with what this gentleman calls your paternal sentimentality? Tarleton Wistfully. Is it nothing to you but paternal sentimentality, Patsy? Hypatia Well, I greatly prefer your superabundant vitality, papa. Tarleton Violently. Hold your tongue, you young devil. The young are all alike: hard, coarse, shallow, cruel, selfish, dirty-minded. You can clear out of my house as soon as you can coax him to take you; and the sooner the better. To Percival. I think you said your price was fifteen hundred a year. Take it. And I wish you joy of your bargain. Percival If you wish to know who I am⁠— Tarleton I don’t care a tinker’s curse who you are or what you are. You’re willing to take that girl off my hands for fifteen hundred a year: that’s all that concerns me. Tell her who you are if you like: it’s her affair, not mine. Hypatia Don’t answer him, Joey: it won’t last. Lord Summerhays, I’m sorry about Bentley; but Joey’s the only man for me. Lord Summerhays It may⁠— Hypatia Please don’t say it may break your poor boy’s heart. It’s much more likely to break yours. Lord Summerhays Oh! Tarleton Springing to his feet. Leave the room. Do you hear: leave the room. Percival Aren’t we getting a little cross? Don’t be angry, Mr. Tarleton. Read Marcus Aurelius. Tarleton Don’t you dare make fun of me. Take your aeroplane out of my vinery and yourself out of my house. Percival Rising, to Hypatia. I’m afraid I shall have to dine at the Beacon, Patsy. Hypatia Rising. Do. I dine with you. Tarleton Did you hear me tell you to leave the room? Hypatia I did. To Percival. You see what living with one’s parents means, Joey. It means living in a house where you can be ordered to leave the room. I’ve got to obey: it’s his house, not mine. Tarleton Who pays for it? Go and support yourself as I did if you want to be independent. Hypatia I wanted to and you wouldn’t let me. How can I support myself when I’m a prisoner? Tarleton Hold your tongue. Hypatia Keep your temper. Percival Coming between them. Lord Summerhays: you’ll join me, I’m sure, in pointing out to both father and daughter that they have now reached that very common stage in family life at which anything but a blow would be an anticlimax. Do you seriously want to beat Patsy, Mr. Tarleton? Tarleton Yes. I want to thrash the life out of her. If she doesn’t get out of my reach, I’ll do it. He sits down and grasps the writing table to restrain himself. Hypatia Coolly going to him and leaning with her breast on his writhing shoulders. Oh, if you want to beat me just to relieve your feelings⁠—just really and truly for the fun of it and the satisfaction of it, beat away. I don’t grudge you that. Tarleton Almost in hysterics. I used to think that this sort of thing went on in other families but that it never could happen in ours. And now⁠—He is broken with emotion, and continues lamentably, I can’t say the right thing. I can’t do the right thing. I don’t know what is the right thing. I’m beaten; and she knows it. Summerhays: tell me what to do. Lord Summerhays When my council in Jinghiskahn reached the point of