The Apple Cart

on the scaffold, spinning out his prayers to put off the inevitable execution as long as possible. Nothing that you can say will make any difference. You know you must sign. Why not sign and have done with it? Nicobar Now you’re talking, Joe. Balbus That’s the stuff to give him. Pliny Gulp it down, sir. It won’t get any sweeter by keeping: what? Lysistrata Oh, for God’s sake, sign, sir. This is torture to me. Magnus I perceive, gentlemen, that I have come to the end of your patience. I will tax it no further: you have been very forbearing; and I thank you for it. I will say no more by way of discussion; but I must have until five o’clock this evening to consider my decision. At that hour, if I can find no other way out, I will sign without another word. Meanwhile, ladies and gentlemen, au revoir! He rises. All rise. He marches out. Proteus His last wriggle. Never mind: we have him safe enough. What about lunch? I am starving. Will you lunch with me, Lizzie. Lysistrata Don’t speak to me. She rushes out distractedly. Amanda Poor darling Lizzie! She’s a regular old true blue die hard. If only I had her brains and education! or if she had my variety talent! what a queen she’d make! Like old Queen Elizabeth, eh? Don’t grieve, Joe: I’ll lunch with you since you’re so pressing. Crassus Come and lunch with me⁠—all of you. Amanda What opulence! Can you afford it? Crassus Breakages will pay. They have a standing account at the Ritz. Over five thousand a year, it comes to. Proteus Right. Let us spoil the Egyptians. Boanerges With Roman dignity. My lunch will cost me one and sixpence; and I shall pay for it myself. He stalks out. Amanda Calling after him. Don’t make a beast of yourself, Bill. Ta ta! Proteus Come on, come on: it’s ever so late. They all hurry out. Sempronius and Pamphilius, entering, have to stand aside to let them pass before returning to their desks. Proteus, with Amanda on his arm, stops in the doorway on seeing them. Proteus Have you two been listening, may I ask? Pamphilius Well, it would be rather inconvenient wouldn’t it, if we had to be told everything that passed? Sempronius Once for all, Mr. Proteus, the King’s private secretaries must hear everything, see everything, and know everything. Proteus Singularly enough, Mr. Sempronius, I haven’t the slightest objection. He goes. Amanda Going with him. Goodbye, Semmy. So long Pam. Seating themselves at their writing tables and yawning prodigiously. Sempronius
Pamphilius Ou‑ou‑ou‑ou‑ou‑fff!!!

An Interlude

Orinthia’s boudoir at half-past fifteen on the same day. She is at her writing-table scribbling notes. She is romantically beautiful, and beautifully dressed. As the table is against the wall near a corner, with the other wall on her left, her back alone is visible from the middle of the room. The door is near the corner diagonally opposite. There is a large settee in the middle of the room.

The King enters and waits on the threshold.

Orinthia	Crossly, without looking round. Who is that?
Magnus	His Majesty the King.
Orinthia	I don’t want to see him.
Magnus	How soon will you be disengaged?
Orinthia	I didn’t say I was engaged. Tell the king I don’t want to see him.
Magnus	He awaits your pleasure. He comes in and seats himself on the settee.
Orinthia	Go away. A pause. I won’t speak to you. Another pause. If my private rooms are to be broken into at any moment because they are in the palace, and the king is not a gentleman, I must take a house outside. I am writing to the agents about one now.
Magnus	What is our quarrel today, belovèd?
Orinthia	Ask your conscience.
Magnus	I have none when you are concerned. You must tell me.
	She takes a book from the table and rises; then sweeps superbly forward to the settee and flings the book into his hands.
Orinthia	There!
Magnus	What is this?
Orinthia	Page 16. Look at it.
Magnus	Looking at the title on the back of the book. Songs of Our Great Great Grandparents. What page did you say?
Orinthia	Between her teeth. Sixteen.
Magnus	Opening the book and finding the page, his eye lighting up with recognition as he looks at it. Ah! “The Pilgrim of Love!”
Orinthia	Read the first three words⁠—if you dare.
Magnus	Smiling as he caresses the phrase. “Orinthia, my belovèd.”
Orinthia	The name you pretended to invent specially for me, the only women in the world for you. Picked up out of the rubbish basket in a secondhand bookseller’s! And I thought you were a poet!
Magnus	Well, one poet may consecrate a name for another. Orinthia is a name full of magic for me. It could not be that if I had invented it myself. I heard it at a concert of ancient music when I was a child; and I have treasured it ever since.
Orinthia	You always have a pretty excuse. You are the King of liars and humbugs. You cannot understand how a falsehood like that wounds me.
Magnus	Remorsefully, stretching out his arms towards her. Belovèd: I am sorry.
Orinthia	Put your hands in your pockets: they shall not touch me ever again.
Magnus	Obeying. Don’t pretend to be hurt unless you really are, dearest. It wrings my heart.
Orinthia	Since when have you set up a heart? Did you buy that, too, secondhand?
Magnus	I have something in me that winces when you are hurt⁠—or pretend to be.
Orinthia	Contemptuously. Yes: I have only to squeal, and you will take me up and pet me as you would a puppy run over by a car. Sitting down beside him, but beyond arm’s length. That is what you give me when my heart demands love. I had rather you kicked me.
Magnus	I should like to kick you sometimes, when you are specially aggravating. But I shouldn’t do it well. I should be afraid of hurting you all the time.
Orinthia	I believe you