The Apple Cart

ruin. We two also have our orbits, and must keep an infinite distance between us to avoid a disastrous collision. Keeping our distance is the whole secret of good manners; and without good manners human society is intolerable and impossible. Orinthia Would any other woman stand your sermons, and even like them? Magnus Orinthia: we are only two children at play; and you must be content to be my queen in fairyland. And rising I must go back to my work. Orinthia What work have you that is more important than being with me? Magnus None. Orinthia Then sit down. Magnus Unfortunately, this silly business of government must be carried on. And there is a crisis this evening, as usual. Orinthia But the crisis is not until five: I heard all about it from Sempronius. Why do you encourage that greedy schemer Proteus? He humbugs you. He humbugs everybody. He even humbugs himself; and of course he humbugs that Cabinet which is a disgrace to you: it is like an overcrowded third class carriage. Why do you allow such riffraff to waste your time? After all, what are you paid for? To be a king: that is, to wipe your boots on common people. Magnus Yes: but this king business, as the Americans call it, has got itself so mixed up with democracy that half the country expects me to wipe my perfectly polished boots on the Cabinet, and the other half expects me to let the Cabinet wipe its muddy boots on me. The Crisis at five o’clock is to decide which of us is to be the doormat. Orinthia And you will condescend to fight with Proteus for power? Magnus Oh no: I never fight. But I sometimes win. Orinthia If you let yourself be beaten by that trickster and poseur, never dare to approach me again. Magnus Proteus is a clever fellow: even on occasion a fine fellow. It would give me no satisfaction to beat him: I hate beating people. But there would be some innocent fun in outwitting him. Orinthia Magnus: you are a mollycoddle. If you were a real man you would just delight in beating him to a jelly. Magnus A real man would never do as a king. I am only an idol, my love; and all I can do is to draw the line at being a cruel idol. He looks at his watch. Now I must really be off. Au revoir. Orinthia Looking at her wrist watch. But it is only twenty-five minutes past four. You have heaps of time before five. Magnus Yes; but tea is at half-past four. Orinthia Catching him by the arm with a snakelike dart. Never mind your tea. I will give you your tea. Magnus Impossible, belovèd. Jemima does not like to be kept waiting. Orinthia Oh, bother Jemima! You shall not leave me to go to Jemima. She pulls him back so vigorously that he falls into the seat beside her. Magnus My dear, I must. Orinthia No, not today. Listen, Magnus. I have something very particular to say to you. Magnus You have not. You are only trying to make me late to annoy my wife. He tries to rise, but is pulled back. Let me go, please. Orinthia Holding on. Why are you so afraid of your wife? You are the laughing stock of London, you poor henpecked darling. Magnus Henpecked! What do you call this? At least my wife does not restrain me by bodily violence. Orinthia I will not be deserted for your old Dutch. Magnus Listen, Orinthia. Don’t be absurd. You know I must go. Do be good. Orinthia Only ten minutes more. Magnus It is half-past already. He tries to rise; but she holds him back. Magnus Pausing for breath. You are doing this out of sheer devilment. You are so abominably strong that I cannot break loose without hurting you. Must I call the guard? Orinthia Do, do. It will be in all the papers tomorrow. Magnus Fiend. Summoning all his dignity. Orinthia: I command you. Orinthia Laughs wildly. !!! Magnus Furious. Very well, then, you she-devil: you shall let go. He tackles her in earnest. She flings her arms round him and holds on with mischievous enjoyment. There is a tapping at the door; they do not hear it. As he is breaking loose she suddenly shifts her grip to his waist and drags him on to the floor, where they roll over one another. Sempronius enters. He stares at the scandalous scene for a moment; then hastily slips out; shuts the door; clears his throat and blows his nose noisily; and knocks loudly and repeatedly. The two combatants cease hostilities and scramble hastily to their feet. Magnus Come in. Sempronius Entering. Her Majesty sent me to remind you that tea is waiting, sir. Magnus Thank you. He goes quickly out. Orinthia Panting but greatly pleased with herself. The King forgets everything when he is here. So do I, I am afraid. I am so sorry. Sempronius Stiffly. No explanations are needed. I saw what happened. He goes out. Orinthia The beast! He must have looked through the keyhole. She throws her hand up with a gesture of laughing defiance, and dances back to her seat at the writing-table.

Act II

Later in the afternoon. The Terrace of the Palace. A low balustrade separates it from the lawn. Terrace chairs in abundance, ranged along the balustrade. Some dining room chairs also, not ranged, but standing about as if they had just been occupied. The terrace is accessible from the lawn by a central flight of steps.

The King and Queen are sitting apart near the corners of the steps, the Queen to the King’s right. He is reading the evening paper: she is knitting. She has a little work table on her right, with a small gong on it.

The Queen	Why did you tell them to leave the chairs when they took away the tea?
Magnus	I shall receive the Cabinet here.
The Queen	Here! Why?
Magnus	Well, I think