The Apple Cart

the open air and the evening light will have a quieting effect on them. They cannot make speeches at me so easily as in a room. The Queen Are you sure? When Robert asked Boanerges where he learnt to speak so beautifully, he said “In Hyde Park.” Magnus Yes; but with a crowd to stimulate him. The Queen Robert says you have tamed Boanerges. Magnus No: I have not tamed him. I have taught him how to behave. I have to valet all the beginners; but that does not tame them: it teaches them how to use their strength instead of wasting it in making fools of themselves. So much the worse for me when I have to fight them. The Queen You get no thanks for it. They think you are only humbugging them. Magnus Well, so I am, in the elementary lessons. But when it comes to real business humbug is no use: they pick it up themselves too quickly. Pamphilius enters along the terrace, from the Queen’s side. Magnus Looking at his watch. Good Heavens! They haven’t come, have they? It’s not five yet. Pamphilius No, sir. It’s the American ambassador. The Queen Resenting this a little. Has he an audience? Pamphilius No, ma’am. He is rather excited about something, I think. I can’t get anything out of him. He says he must see His Majesty at once. The Queen Must!! An American must see the King at once, without an audience! Well! Magnus Rising. Send him in, Pam. Pamphilius goes out. The Queen I should have told him to write for an audience, and then kept him waiting a week for it. Magnus What! When we still owe America that old war debt. And with a mad imperialist president like Bossfield! No you wouldn’t, my dear: you would be crawlingly civil to him, as I am going to be, confound him! Pamphilius Reappearing. His Excellency the American Ambassador. Mr. Vanhattan. He retires as Mr. Vanhattan enters in an effusive condition, and, like a man assured of an enthusiastic welcome, hurries to the Queen, and salutes her with a handshake so prolonged that she stares in astonishment, first at him, and then appealingly at the King, with her hands being vigorously wrung and waved up and down all the time. Magnus What on earth is the matter, Mr. Vanhattan? You are shaking Her Majesty’s rings off. Vanhattan Desisting. Her Majesty will excuse me when she learns the nature of my errand here. This, King Magnus, is a great historic scene: one of the greatest, perhaps, that history has ever recorded or will ever again record. Magnus Have you had tea? Vanhattan Tea! Who can think of tea at such a moment as this? The Queen Rather coldly. It is hard for us to share your enthusiasm in complete ignorance of its cause. Vanhattan That is true, ma’am. I am just behaving like a crazy man. But you shall hear. You shall judge, and then you shall say whether I exaggerate the importance⁠—the immensity⁠—of an occasion that cannot be exaggerated. Magnus Goodness gracious! Won’t you sit down? Vanhattan Taking a chair and placing it between them. I thank your Majesty. He sits. Magnus You have some exciting news for us, apparently. Is it private or official? Vanhattan Official, sir. No mistake about it. What I am going to tell you is authentic from the United States of America to the British Empire. The Queen Perhaps I had better go. Vanhattan No, ma’am: you shall not go. Whatever may be the limits of your privileges as the consort of your sovereign, it is your right as an Englishwoman to learn what I have come here to communicate. Magnus My dear Vanhattan, what the devil is the matter? Vanhattan King Magnus: between your country and mine there is a debt. Magnus Does that matter, now that our capitalists have invested so heavily in American concerns that after paying yourselves the interest on the debt you have to send us two thousand million dollars a year to balance the account. Vanhattan King Magnus: for the moment, forget figures. Between your country and mine there is not only a debt but a frontier: the frontier that has on it not a single gun nor a single soldier, and across which the American citizen every day shakes the hand of the Canadian subject of your throne. Magnus There is also the frontier of the ocean, which is somewhat more expensively defended at our joint expense by the League of Nations. Vanhattan Rising to give his words more impressiveness. Sir: the debt is cancelled. The frontier no longer exists. The Queen How can that be? Magnus Am I to understand, Mr. Vanhattan, that by some convulsion of Nature the continent of North America has been submerged in the Atlantic? Vanhattan Something even more wonderful than that has happened. One may say that the Atlantic Ocean has been submerged in the British Empire. Magnus I think you had better tell us as succinctly as possible what has happened. Pray sit down. Vanhattan Resuming his seat. You are aware, sir, that the United States of America at one time formed a part of your empire. Magnus There is a tradition to that effect. Vanhattan No mere tradition, sir. An undoubted historical fact. In the eighteenth century⁠— Magnus That is a long time ago. Vanhattan Centuries count for but little in the lifetimes of great nations, sir. Let me recall the parable of the prodigal son. Magnus Oh really, Mr. Vanhattan, that was a very very long time ago. I take it that something important has happened since yesterday. Vanhattan It has. It has indeed, King Magnus. Magnus Then what is it? I have not time to attend to the eighteenth century and the prodigal son at this moment. The Queen The King has a Cabinet meeting in ten minutes, Mr. Vanhattan. Vanhattan I should like to see the faces of your Cabinet ministers, King Magnus, when they hear what I have to tell you. Magnus So should I. But I am not in a position to tell it to them, because I don’t know what it is. Vanhattan The