The Apple Cart

the capital of the British Commonwealth is shifted to Washington? Nicobar We’ll see it shifted to Melbourne or Montreal or Johannesburg first. Magnus It would not stay there. It will stay at a real centre of gravity only. Proteus We are agreed about that. If it shifts at all it will shift either west to Washington or east to Moscow. Boanerges Moscow thinks a lot of itself. But what has Moscow to teach us that we cannot teach ourselves? Moscow is built on English history, written in London by Karl Marx. Proteus Yes; and the English king has sidetracked you again. To Magnus. What about the ultimatum, sir? You promised us your decision at five o’clock. It is now a quarter past. Magnus Are you inexorably determined to force this issue to its logical end? You know how unEnglish it is to do that? Proteus My people came from Scotland. Lysistrata I wish they had stayed there. I am English: every bone in my body. Boanerges Vociferously. Same here! Proteus God help England if she had no Scots to think for her! Magnus What does the Cabinet say to that? Amanda All their people came from Scotland or Ireland or Wales or Jerusalem or somewhere, sir. It is no use appealing to English sentiment here. Crassus Politics are not suited to the English, if you ask me. Magnus Then I, the only Englishman left in politics, apparently, am to be reduced to complete nullity? Proteus Bluntly. Yes. You cannot frighten us out of our position by painting it red. I could paint your position black if I liked. In plain terms we require from you an unconditional surrender. If you refuse it then I go to the country on the question whether England is to be an absolute monarchy or a constitutional one. We are all agreed on that: there will be no resignations. I have letters from the absent members of the Government: those present will speak for themselves. All The Other Men Agreed, agreed. Proteus Now, what is your answer? Magnus The day for absolute monarchies is past. You think you can do without me; and I know that I cannot do without you. I decide, of course, in favor of a constitutional monarchy. The Men Greatly relieved and delighted. Hear! hear! Magnus Wait a moment. Sudden silence and mistrust. Proteus So! There is a catch in it, is there? Magnus Not exactly a catch. But you have driven me to face the fact that I am unfitted to be a constitutional monarch. I am by nature incapable of the necessary self-effacement. Amanda Well, that’s true, at all events. You and I are a pair, sir. Magnus Thank you. Therefore, whilst accepting your constitutional principle without the slightest reserve, I cannot sign your ultimatum, because by doing so I should be making personal promises which I know I should break⁠—which in fact I must break because I have forces within me which your constitutional limits cannot hold in check. Balbus How can you accept our principle if you don’t sign the ultimatum? Magnus Oh, there is no difficulty about that. When an honest man finds himself incapable of discharging the duties of a public post, he resigns. Proteus Alarmed. Resigns! What are you driving at? Crassus A king cannot resign. Nicobar You might as well talk of beheading yourself. You can’t behead yourself. Boanerges Other people can, though. Magnus Do not let us quarrel about words, gentlemen. I cannot resign. But I can abdicate. All The Rest Starting to their feet. Abdicate! They stare at him in consternation. Amanda Whistling a descending minor scale very expressively. !!!!!!!! She sits down. Magnus Of course, abdicate. Lysistrata: you have been a teacher of history. You can assure your colleagues that there is nothing unprecedented in an abdication. The Emperor Charles the Fifth, for instance⁠— Lysistrata Oh, Charles the Fifth be⁠—be bothered! he’s not good enough. Sir: I have stood by you as far as I dared. Don’t throw me over. You must not abdicate. She sits down, distressed. Proteus You cannot abdicate except by my advice. Magnus I am acting upon your advice. Proteus Nonsense! He sits down. Balbus Ridiculous! He sits down. Pliny You’re not serious, you know. He sits down. Nicobar You can’t upset the apple cart like this. He sits down. Crassus I must say this is not playing the game. He sits down. Boanerges Powerfully. Well, why not? Why not? Though as an old Republican I have no respect for His Majesty as a King, I have a great respect for him as a Strong Man. But he is not the only pebble on the beach. Why not have done with this superstition of monarchy, and bring the British Commonwealth into line with all the other great Powers today as a republic? He sits down. Magnus My abdication does not involve that, Mr. Boanerges. I am abdicating to save the monarchy, not to destroy it. I shall be succeeded by my son Robert, Prince of Wales. He will make an admirable constitutional monarch. Pliny Oh, come! Don’t be hard on the lad, sir. He has plenty of brains. Magnus Oh yes, yes, yes: I did not mean that he is a nonentity: quite the contrary: he is much cleverer than I am. But I have never been able to induce him to take any interest in parliamentary politics. He prefers intellectual pursuits. Nicobar Don’t you believe it. He is up to his neck in business. Magnus Just so. He asks me why I waste my time with you here pretending to govern the country when it is really governed by Breakages, Limited. And really I hardly know how to answer him. Crassus Things are like that nowadays. My son says just the same. Lysistrata Personally I get on very well with the Prince; but somehow I do not feel that he is interested in what I am doing. Balbus He isn’t. He won’t interfere with you as long as you don’t interfere with him. Just the right king for us. Not pigheaded. Not meddlesome. Thinks that nothing we do matters a rap. What do you say, Joe? Proteus After all,