The Apple Cart

to making gestures? What’s the game this time? Boanerges Shame! Proteus Shut up, you gaby. To the King. I say, what’s the game? Magnus There is no imposing on you, Prime Minister. The game is, of course, that when I come back into politics I shall be in a better position as a commoner than as a peer. I shall seek a parliamentary seat. Proteus You in the House of Commons! Magnus Blandly. It is my intention to offer myself to the Royal Borough of Windsor as a candidate at the forthcoming General Election. All the rest except Boanerges and the ladies rise in consternation. Proteus This is treachery. Balbus A dirty trick. Nicobar The meanest on record. Pliny He’ll be at the top of the poll. Crassus There won’t be any poll: it will be a walkover. Balbus This shows what all your fine manners and friendly ways are worth. Nicobar Hypocrite! Crassus Humbug! Lysistrata I wish your Majesty every success. Amanda Hear hear! Fair play, boys. Why shouldn’t he go into parliament with us? Boanerges Well said! well said! Why not? The Other Male Ministers Ya‑a‑a‑ah! They sit down in utter disgust. Proteus Very sullen. And when you are in Parliament, what then? Magnus There are several possibilities. I shall naturally endeavor to form a party. My son King Robert will have to call on some Party leader who can depend on the support of the House of Commons to form a Government. He may call on you. He may even call on me. Amanda Breaks the glum silence by whistling a bar or two of the National Anthem. !! Magnus Whatever happens, it will be a great relief to us to be able to speak out quite frankly about one another in public. You have never been able to tell the British people what you really think of me: no real criticism of the King is possible. I have never been able to speak my mind as to your various capacities and characters. All that reserve, that tedious affectation, that unwholesome concealment will end. I hope you look forward to our new footing as pleasurably as I do. Lysistrata I am delighted, sir. You will fight Breakages for me. Amanda It will be awful fun. Boanerges Now, Mr. Prime Minister, we are waiting for you. What have you to say about it? Proteus Rising and speaking slowly, with his brows deeply knitted. Has Your Majesty got that ultimatum on you? Magnus Produces it from his breast pocket and presents it to him. ! Proteus With measured emphasis, after tearing the paper up into four pieces at two deliberate strokes, and throwing the pieces away. There is not going to be any abdication. There is not going to be any general election. There is not going to be any ultimatum. We go on as before. The crisis is a washout. To the King, with deadly concentration. I will never forgive you for this. You stole your ace of trumps from the hand I played this morning. He takes his hat from the balustrade and goes away through the park. Boanerges Rising. That was a very deplorable exhibition of temper on the part of the Prime Minister, sir. It was not the gesture of a Strong Man. I will remonstrate with him. You may depend on me. He takes his hat and follows Proteus in a serious and dignified manner. Nicobar Rising. Well, I shall not say what I think. He is taking his hat when the King addresses him. Magnus So I have not upset the apple cart after all, Mr. Nicobar. Nicobar You can upset it as soon as you like for all I care. I am going out of politics. Politics is a mug’s game. He goes. Crassus Rising reluctantly and taking his hat. If Nick goes, I shall have to go too. Magnus Can you really tear yourself away from politics? Crassus Only too glad to be well out of them, if Breakages will let me. They shoved me into it; and I daresay they’ll find another job for me. He goes. Pliny Cheerful to the last as he, too, goes for his hat. Well, I am glad nothing’s happened. You know, sir, nothing ever really does happen in the Cabinet. Never mind their bit of temper. They’ll feed out of your hand tomorrow. He goes. Balbus After taking his hat. Now that they’re all gone I don’t mind saying that if anything should ever happen to the throne, and your Majesty should become a President with a Cabinet to pick, you might easily find a worse Home Secretary than me, with all my faults. Magnus I shall bear it in mind. By the way, if you should happen to overtake the Prime Minister, will you be so good as to remind him that we quite forgot to settle that little affair of the proposal of America to annex the British Commonwealth. Balbus By the Lord, so we did! Well, that’s a good one! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! He goes out laughing heartily. Magnus They don’t take it in, Lizzie: not one bit. It is as if another planet were crashing into us. The kingdom and the power and the glory will pass from us and leave us naked, face to face with our real selves at last. Lysistrata So much the better, if by our real selves you mean the old English stock that was unlike any other. Nowadays men all over the world are as much alike as hotel dinners. It’s no use pretending that the America of George Washington is going to swallow up the England of Queen Anne. The America of George Washington is as dead as Queen Anne. What they call an American is only a wop pretending to be a Pilgrim Father. He is no more Uncle Jonathan than you are John Bull. Magnus Yes: we live in a world of wops, all melting into one another; and when all the frontiers are down London may be outvoted by Tennessee,